‘Why?’
‘I just wondered. Because… well, she meddles in things and it just struck me that she might have said something to put you off me.’
‘Put me off you?’ He gave a short laugh. ‘It didn’t put me off you but it…’ He sighed and ruffled his hair.
‘So she did say something?’
He nodded. ‘I was insecure, I suppose…’
‘What did she say?’
‘That I wasn’t good enough for you. My background, farming and all that. No money. And at the time, perhaps I didn’t think I was either.’
‘Are you serious? What the actual…?’
‘When I came to the hotel that day… remember?’
‘Of course I remember…’ Rosie was frowning. ‘She spoke to you, then?’
He nodded. ‘When you weren’t there. She said that I wasn’t good enough for you and that she was going to find someone who was. Now I think she might have been jealous of you.’
‘Jealous of me?’ Rosie was still trying to compute this information.
‘You were so happy,’ he said, feeling awful at the memory of just how happy she had been, laughing and talking, holding his hand as they walked up from the station in Sandycove, excitedly pointing things out to him, telling him about her plans for the hotel. But now Rosie was silent. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
‘Did what she said affect your decision to leave?’
‘Partly. I was insecure. And it triggered me. I thought that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I had a confident front, but I’d grown up in a home where my father bullied me and put me and my brother down. And he’d just left us all for Sandra… and I was immature. And… well, what Lucinda said helped me make a difficult decision.’ He longed to take her hand, to feel her skin on his, to let her know how desperately sorry he was. But Rosie was completely still. ‘I’m really sorry,’ he said again.
She shook her head. ‘It’s not your fault. You were so young. And so was I. If Lucinda couldn’t control us, she didn’t want us to be happy. I just can’t work out if it’s malevolent or just meddling.’
‘I wish I’d talked to you, explained everything. But I was full of confusion at the time,’ he went on. ‘But I was happy too. As happy as you were.’ He looked at her, holding her gaze. ‘It was the best summer of my life.’
She smiled. ‘Mine too. And if it helps, I thought you were definitely good enough for me.’
‘I had to grow up a bit,’ he said. ‘Lose the chips on my shoulder. But at the time, I took what she said to heart. And I was leaving anyway and I made a rash decision to just end things.’ He paused. ‘I’ve had to live with that decision for the last ten years…’
‘Me too.’ She spoke softly.
He began to speak and then stopped. ‘Sometimes…’ He stopped again.
‘Go on.’
‘It’s just that sometimes… I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if we would have been okay. If you’d come with me or I’d stayed here, then we would have worked out. There were times in Boston, I was so lonely that I’d imagine an alternative universe, one where you were with me. Coming home and making dinner together. Going for walks. The beach.’ He shook his head, smiling. ‘There’s this little place called Rockport and it reminded me of Sandycove and sometimes, the loneliness was so bad, that I’d drive out there and almost, in my head, I’d feel you with me. Or every autumn, I’d walk in the public garden and look at the leaves. The colours are unbelievable and I don’t know… I just thought you’d like to see them…’
‘I would.’
‘So I’d imagine you with me. I mean, I don’t still imagine…’ He looked at her searchingly. He felt foolish, but he had to speak, this was his chance to apologise, to make right that wrong, his behaviour of leaving with no explanation was unforgivable. Whatever happened, he wasn’t going to leave her again without telling her the truth. He was done with pretending he was okay. He’d been lonely without her and no one he had met had filled the Rosie-shaped gap. ‘I know I sound like an idiot and we can’t change the past, I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t done lightly, and I didn’t forget about you.’
She nodded, silent for a moment, lost in her thoughts. ‘I was lonely too.’
‘You’re not still, are you?’
‘Oh no. I’m far too busy to be lonely. I mean, the hotel keeps me from thinking about too much.’
So she was fine, then. He was happy that she was fine. She had been lonely and now she wasn’t. But he still was. ‘That’s good that you’re okay. And I have to congratulate you on the hotel. It’s so beautiful…’ He paused. He wanted to tell her that she was beautiful and that, in the last ten years, she’d only become more so. ‘And you look really… really well.’
‘Thank you.’ She smiled at him and started the engine. ‘Come on. You’d better get ready for the rehearsal dinner. The drinks will have started already.’ And she turned the Land Rover around and headed back to Cliff Top.
