‘Tab,’ he said, quietly. ‘There is one thing, though. Why did you marry Michael? I’m sorry. That sounds rude, I know it does and it’s none of my business. But I knew you once and, going by that, I just don’t get it. I mean, you’re the daughter of Nora. And you marry aProgressive Conservative.’ He stopped. ‘I know I shouldn’task, but it never made sense. None of it did and then you marry someone like Michael Fogarty. When Dad wrote and told me… it made me think that I didn’t know you. And that was really difficult. But maybe I didn’t. And maybe you’re happy now and you made all the right decisions and then that’s good. But reassure me, tell me that you’re happy.’
He was looking at me intently, puzzled, curious. WhenI didn’t answer immediately, he broke away and stared out to sea.
‘Tab, it’s none of my business. But I’ve never come up with an answer. Not…’ he gave an awkward smile, ‘that I’m so amazing. But I thoughtwewere amazing. And so…’
‘I know. I thought we were too.’ I let his words and his feelings soak into me, hearing every word, every nuance. His loneliness and pain. His disappointment. I’dfelt it too but mine was a different story. I needed to hear his.
‘And as soon as I saw you again, I involved myself in your life. Like I used to. It was just instinct, wanting to be there, taking care of you. The protest, me tackling you about it when I’d been in the school for less than twenty-four hours and you being so gracious by my intrusion. And then calling round to give that book toRosie because I felt so worried about you. Both of you. It’s crazy.’
‘Red…’
‘Being back here is a mistake. I know that now,’ he went on. ‘I thought we could be friends because there was so much I still liked, the way you try and make people laugh. The way you play with your hair. Your beautiful face…’ He looked at me again. ‘I thought I could do it. I would take anything, any crumbs you wouldgive me. You were all I thought about for all those years and from that first moment I felt that same pull towards you, stronger than ever, and I didn’t know what to do, to ignore it, to ignore you or try to find a way of being close to you. As a friend. Iwantedto. I wanted to so much… And here I am now, still lonely, still on my own and I get nothing. Again.’
‘Red, please…’ I was trying toprocess everything. He still cared about me? He felt the same way? But I couldn’t say how I felt because what would he say when I told him about my miscarriage. How angry would he be then?
‘Forget it Tab,’ he said. ‘My fault. All of this. My messiah complex, think I can sort everyone else out and not look after me. You’d have thought I might have learned something in the intervening years. Butit seems not.’
‘Red…’
‘I missedyou, Tab. More than anything. More than tea. More than Irish chocolate.’ He didn’t smile. He meant it. ‘More than watching the Irish soccer team play an international. More thanDad. I missedyou. But I can’t do it. I’m not coming back next term, I don’t even know if I’ll stay in Ireland.’
‘Me?’ The full force of my action hit me. His words didn’t just permeate,they fused themselves to my cortex. He had lovedme?
‘And I still do,’ he said. ‘All the time. You know at Clodagh’s party? I was standing there, chatting to you, acting as if we could do this, be friends. I was enjoying myself. I like being with you Tab. Always have done. But then it hit me. Again. That love, full force, full on love. I mean, I can’t do this… I can’t. I don’t want to be friendswith you. I wanteverything.’
‘Red, I’m sorry…’ Ifeel the same, I wanted to say.I feel exactly the same. I love you too.But how could I say it when I was married. I couldn’t say it. My throat dried up and I sat there, slightly stunned.
He turned to me. ‘How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday within me?Leonard Cohen wrote that and it was all I could think about for years… I couldn’tmove on because I was still consumed by you.’ Angry and furious now, he went on speaking, ‘I didn’t want to become bitter,’ he said. ‘It took all my strength, is taking all my strength, not to be angry and bitter. But I think I am losing that particular battle.’ He stood up, hands pushed into his jeans pockets. ‘I tried. I thought that I was over it enough. But… it’s hard, you know?’
And he stoodup and walked off, leaving me sitting on the bench as seagulls circled overhead. I didn’t call him or run after him. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to begin, so I just watched him walk away.
Before
‘I’ll see you in three months,’ Red had said. We couldn’t stop kissing each other at the departures gate. ‘Will you be all right?’
‘Yes, fine,’ I said. ‘I told you. I’ve got so manythings to do and then I’ll come and join you.’
‘I don’t know how I’m going to survive without you.’
‘Me too.’ Our foreheads were pressed together, our lips nearly touching. ‘I love you Tab,’ he said.
‘And I love you,’ I said. And I did love him. And I never stopped.
