Chapter Twenty-One
The choices we make, the million decisions we take every day, are often unfelt, unnoticed. But sometimes, the after-shocks are felt for years and years. If I hadn’t gone swimming, maybe I wouldn’t have lost the baby. If I had told Red about the baby in the first place, I would have had to tell him about the miscarriage. If I’d just been honest, then maybe our lives would havebeen so different.
‘Red… it’s…’
‘Tab?’ He interrupted. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes… fine.’ Where to start? What to say? Just,I wanted to hear your voice. I really want to see you.‘Have you heard about Mary? She’s had to go away. I don’t know if she told you.’
‘Yeah…’ He hesitated and I knew immediately that he knew her reason. ‘Yeah, she cancelled our film club so… so, I was aware.’ He wasn’tgoing to betray any confidences that was for sure. There was silence for a moment.
‘And you, Tab?’ he said. ‘How are you? And Rosie?’
‘She’s not… she’s not so good.’ I could feel my whole body unfold as I began to confide. ‘Red, she hasn’t been doing any work. None at all. She’s just been sitting there in her room, writing over and over again that she hates her life.’ He was silent as I spokeand all the worry I had been feeling for the last months bubbled up and I started to cry. ‘It must have been so awful for her. I feel that it’s my fault. I didn’t ask any questions. I just assumed she was okay and she was upstairs in her room and I didn’t bother to check on her. I should have done. And now Michael thinks milk is the answer. And so…’
‘I’ll come round,’ he said, firmly. ‘We couldgo for a walk.’
That was exactly what I needed. I breathed out in relief. ‘Thank you Red. I’ll just check on Rosie and see if she’s okay with me popping out.’
If I could turn back time, I would never have gone swimming. And I would have told Red from the moment I found out I was pregnant. But then I became someone else, the girl who lost a grandmother and an unborn child within a week. And ifI could turn back time, I would have noticed what was going on with Rosie. I would have seen it, she wouldn’t have been so alone.
Red wasn’t my answer, my knight in shining armour. And I could never tell him about what had happened. I should have told him years ago,whenit happened, but it was too late now.
But we could still try and be friends. Notfriendsfriends but acquaintances who shareda special history. That counted for something, didn’t it? And I wanted to see him. In fact, I wanted to see him more than anything, however awkward and strange and weird it all was.
Rosie was sitting downstairs, watching television when I got home.
‘Hello,’ I said. ‘You’re looking… better.’
‘Am I?’
‘Yes. How are you feeling?’
‘A bit better.’ She gave a smile.
‘Well, then, that must be why.’
‘Would you be all right, if I went for a walk. With Red?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah, I think I’ll survive.’
‘Sure?’
‘Sure.’
Doorbell. I ran to open it.
*
‘We could go down to the harbour? It wouldn’t take long,’ he said.
‘Yeah, that would be nice.’
We began to walk, side by side, the closest, physically, we’d been in years. I was so aware of his body, one that I used to know every inch of. Hisarm brushed mine for a moment and the warmth, the intimacy of that movement was all too fleeting.
‘So, Rosie…’ he began.
I remembered how this felt, talking and walking. One of us listening, while the other unburdened or entertained or explained or whatever we used to do. He was a good listener, was Red. All those years away had not dimmed his ability to listen as though there was only one thingin the world he was interested in, and that was what you were saying. And with everyone else, you were just imparting information, bringing them up to speed on certain life events. With Red, it always had been, an unburdening, an opening up. And he was there, listening with his whole body.
