‘Rosaleen was chatting to all her friends at the Forty Foot. She hadn’t been in the water all year. And everyonewas so happy to see her back and I had to wait for her for ages before she finished talking to them. But I didn’t mind really because the sun was out.’
*
I stopped speaking for a moment, thinking of Rosaleen and me. We walked home, my arm in hers, because she wasn’t able to cycle, her asking me all about the phone call I’d received from Red. He’d found a place for us. Haight Ashbury. Not luxurious,he’d said. But it was perfect. Perfect for us. I hadn’t told him my secret. I thought I’d tell him when I was there. It might mean coming home to Ireland sooner than we’d thought. Or we could stay there. I imagined us, our lives together, getting jobs and buying a house. Bringing up a little American child. Who would never know the delights of Cadburys or Tayto crisps but would race home-madego-carts and have lemonade stalls. I’d walked home in the sun, thinking that I could never be this happy again. I’d see Red next week and I’d tell him and… and…
‘So, Rosaleen and I went home, together, talking all the way, about San Francisco and my plans. It’s funny because I always thought she and Nora were chalk and cheese but Nora is so like her in so many ways. Maybe I’d just never noticedand she always was. Or maybe it’s just getting older. Anyway, when we got inside, we had a cup of tea and I told her…’
‘Told her what?’
‘That I was pregnant.’
‘What?’
‘Pregnant. I mean, it was an accident, it wasn’t meant to happen but I wanted it. I mean, I loved Red and I knew he loved me. I wanted the baby.’
‘Oh my God…’
‘But she died that day. Granny Nora and I organised the funeral,got everything organised… but I hadn’t told Red about the… you know… the baby.’
‘Did Granny Nora know?’
I nodded.
‘But why didn’t you tell Red? It was his baby too.’
‘I know. But it was going to be a surprise and I thought I’d wait and then… well, sometimes you don’t think straight… Anyway, I was still meant to be leaving right after the funeral. I was determined to go. And then I would tellhim. It was only a week. And even all that week, being so sad about Rosaleen, the baby kept me going. My lovely baby… it was like I knew him or her – I never knew which – it was as though we already knew each other.’ Rosie’s face was full of sympathy.
‘I thought about what he or she would be like,’ I went on. ‘Would they look like me or Red, or be entirely their own self? I couldn’t wait untilI was able to bring my baby to the Forty Foot and swim there, just like Rosaleen and I used to. So, the morning of the funeral, I woke up and for some reason I wanted to go swimming. It was the one place which I most associated with Rosaleen. But…’ I stopped, not wanting to cry or do anything that might upset Rosie.
‘Go on…’
‘Well…’ I could still feel the cold instantly leeching into my skin,soaking my bones, so cold, it made me gasp as I paddled around, trying to get warm. ‘Well, I lost the baby. And I thought it was because I went swimming. I thought the water had done something, like it was powerful.’
‘Really?’ Rosie’s eyes were wide-open, as she tried to make sense of everything. ‘Oh Mum…’
It was devastating. Red and I were over. Life shifted entirely in a different direction.Permanently altered, forever scarred, I thought I was an entirely new Tabitha but it was only recently, since Red had come home, that I had realised that she was still there. She’d just been hiding.
Before
Me, floating on my back, feet sticking up out of the salty blue of the sea. I put my hands on my belly. I don’t feel any different. Or wait… was that a flutter? The shift of a million cellsworking day and night to create this new life, this baby inside me. ‘I can’t wait to meet you,’ I say to myself, to my baby. But when I turn over and plunge again under the water, I gasp with the shock, my body immediately numb and a strange feeling in my stomach, cramp gripping my insides, cold settling into my bones. Eventually I pull myself out and shiver while I get dressed, my body getting colderand colder on the cycle home.
Later Nora and I stood in the church together, my body frozen, teeth chattering under Red’s old winter jumper I’d pulled from my wardrobe. I thought of Red in the warmth of San Francisco. I’d be there too, just as soon as Nora and I organised everything here. It would do me good to get away. I didn’t want to be in this house without Rosaleen.
But it was later thatevening when I began to feel really unwell, when the pains in my stomach began to jar, causing my legs to wobble. Eventually, I fell onto my bed, the pain making me double up. I knew what was happening, but even when I saw the blood, I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. And I lay there, quiet in that moment, when no one could tell me for sure that everything wasn’t okay. I had lostmy grandmother and my child in one day. Lying on my bed, the house dark, writhing in agony, too much in pain and too confused to turn on the lights. Knowing I should go to hospital but that would make it real, official and all I wanted was a few moments longer with my baby. I was still a mother. In that space between life and death, between fantasy and reality, where a tiny part of me could stillpretend that everything was all right.
*
Rosie was holding my hand. ‘Who looked after you?’ she said, quietly.
‘Nora. She… well, she was amazing. Stayed with me for months afterwards, refused to go down to West Cork,’ I said. ‘Which itself was a miracle, knowing that a tepee in Mizen Head was waiting for her. And a vat of something unspeakable involving lentils…’ I was desperately trying tomake light of what happened. I didn’t want to burden Rosie. I didn’t want her to worry aboutmeas well. ‘Yes. I remember she brewed me some kind of tea, involving liquorice root. She says it had healing properties. She was wrong. It just made me think I could never have a sherbet dip-dab ever again.’
Rosie very nearly laughed.
‘The thing is,’ I went on. ‘I didn’t think I’d recover, really.I had never thought that losing a baby, someone you had never met, something that was an accident, not planned, could mean… could mean so much.’ I managed to keep my voice steady, well aware that I didn’t want to freak Rosie out too much.
‘And that’s why you never swim there?’
I nodded. ‘I can’t. I just can’t.’
‘The point of all this, Rosie, why I’m burbling on, is that I do understand. I knowwhat it’s like when you don’t know what’s coming next and you feel overwhelmed…’
‘That’s how I feel. I’m scared.’
We were still holding hands.
‘We all feel like that. Lifeisscary. The trick is just accepting that. Feel the fear, but know that things do get better. After all, I had you.’
