She nodded, her lip wobbling.
‘Because it doesn’t matter. Exams don’t actually matter. Going to college doesn’t matter. None of those things will make you happy. Not really. Well, they will but true happiness is something that comes from in here.’ And I pressed my hand to her heart. ‘Get that right, andthe rest is easy.’
She nodded again.
‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’
‘I was doing all right… I thought. All last year, I kept up with everything. All the work, the study events. I did well in my mock exams… remember?’
‘You did brilliantly.’
‘I thought I was going to be okay even though there was this feeling starting to spread inside me. It was like it had taken root and every dayI could feel it getting bigger. Not hugely but there was a feeling every morning, when I opened my eyes.’
‘What was it?’
‘Like a ball or a knot or stuff, right in the middle of me. And I couldn’t concentrate. Or eat. It was like it was this alien inside me…’ She gave a wonky smile. ‘That sounds weird.’
I shook my head. ‘No it doesn’t. Nothing you say ever sounds weird. Go on.’
‘Well, I firstfelt this thing, this alien, last summer. All I could think about was September when this year would start. Thelastyear. The most important year. No one has been able to talk to me about anything but the exams for ages now. It was all,when are you doing the Leaving, what subjects are you doing? What college?I felt like screaming and all the time I had to be nice and polite and tell them overand over again. Everyone asks you, Mum. Not just family members but people in the shop, the guys down in the sailing club. Even the postman asked me!’
‘And then…’
‘Well, I didn’t do any work all summer. I kept convincing myself that I would start in September and that I would be brilliant, keep to study timetables and go for walks and just be… you know… methodical. Cool. But… I don’t know. Ijust didn’t. And then Jake finished with me…’
‘It’s not easy, is it? A relationship ending like that.’
She shook her head. ‘No. No, it’s not. And, it didn’t help my alien. It just kind of doubled in size overnight. Sometimes I would feel as though it was going to take over my whole body. I felt so scared. I mean, we haven’t had to be in school since January. All the study events were optional,if you were able to do it at home, then they didn’t bother you. And I just let it all get on top of me.’
‘Don’t they have counselling services? Someone you can talk to?’
‘Yeah, they are always saying, if you need help, you can go and talk to Miss Byrne.’
‘Oh, sweetheart, why didn’t you?’
‘I felt ashamed,’ she said. ‘Embarrassed. Like I was a failure. Which I am.’
‘You’re not. You’re absolutelynot. Doing well in exams does not signify success in life, just in exams. It’s how you deal with things when they go wrong. What you learn, how you bounce back, what you take with you to the next experience. Do you see? But why didn’t you talk to me? I could have helped…’
‘I kept thinking, if I could just get working, I’d be all right. I kept thinking, I would start tomorrow. It wasn’t too late.And then it was Christmas…’
‘Christmas!’
‘Yeah…’ She hung her head. ‘It goes back as far as then. But I thought, I’d just take that time off and then start in January. It wasn’t too late. But I just couldn’t do it.’
‘And the hating your life… when did you start doing that?’
‘Once I wrote it, and then wrote it again, I swear it helped… just naming what I felt was good for me.’
I put my armaround her and squeezed her. ‘Couldn’t you have talked to your friends if you couldn’t talk to me?’ I said gently.
‘It was easier not to see them. I couldn’t do with all their exam talk and college talk. So I said that you had said I couldn’t go out or contact them…’
‘Really?’ I said.
‘It was just easier that way.’
‘Okay, let’s not worry about any of that now. You’ve got your first exam ina week.’
