When she was gone, Red was still waiting for an answer. ‘In old films? Um, probably anything with Jack Lemmon.The Apartment?’
We’d watched together years ago, loving every moment of it. Every time I’d seen it since, I thought of Red. He nodded, slowly. ‘Great film.’
‘Greatfilm,’ I echoed.
‘I’ll finish sweeping,’ he said, taking the broom. ‘Give me something to do.’ For a moment, he stood there and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. It was all there, in a flash. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to know why. I would have wanted to know the same. All those years on, if it were me, it would have dug away until I got answer. We were going to have to talk. I wasgoing to have to explain exactly why. ‘We should… I want…’ I began but my phone rang.
‘Do you mind if I take this? It’s my Rosie.’
I could barely make out what she was saying. She couldn’t speak and she was sobbing. She sounded terrified. I could feel the panic rise within me as well.
‘I’m coming home, Rosie! I’m coming home, sweetheart.’ Oh God, I needed to get home. My daughter needed me.
‘What’s wrong?’ Red said. ‘Is she all right?’
‘Rosie… she’s having another panic attack… I have to go…’ I suddenly remembered my car was it the garage that day having its annual check-up. ‘My car! I don’t have my car! I walked down…’ Tears were in my eyes as I started to panic, calculating how long it would take me to get home. Half an hour at a quick clip, if I was lucky.
‘I’ll drive you. Comeon.’
*
I raced into the house to find Rosie was tucked into a ball, on the bottom step of the stairs in the hall, arms wrapped across her body, head on her knees. I sat on the step beside her and put my arm around her back. ‘It’s all right, my darling,’ I said, gently, softly, my head close to hers. ‘It’s all right, everything’s all right.’
Her head shook, no. No, everything is not all right.
‘Breathe, that’s it. Come on. Keep going.’ I could feel her back rise and fall, juddery and shuddery, jagged, tortured breathing. ‘It’s all right.’ Her heart was jumping around, I could feel it through her T-shirt, beads of sweat around her hairline, her breathing still short and panicky. And then she lifted her tear-streaked face, her eyes watery and bloodshot.
‘Mum…’ she began to cry. ‘It wasso scary… I thought… I thought…’
‘It’s all right, it’s all right,’ I soothed and shushed her, finding a rhythm to my voice, low and hypnotic while I could feel her breathing become calmer and more regular. ‘That’s it, that’s right…’
Eventually, she pulled away and lifted her face. ‘It hurts,’ she said.
‘What does?’ I said, scanning my beautiful girl’s face and smoothing her hair, tucking strandsbehind her ear, her skin was hot.
‘Everything. My chest. My whole body. And inside.’
‘You’re going to be all right, okay? I’m here now.’ My mind was working overtime, making plans for the next five minutes, thinking further ahead and trying to decide if sitting her exams was a good idea, could/ should she resit next year? Maybe I should give up my job and just be here. I’d been so selfish goingout to work while she was struggling. Why hadn’t I done anything before?
‘It’s like a real thing,’ she said. ‘Everything inside is real.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Everything I think becomes real.’ She looked at me, willing me to understand.
‘Sweetheart…’
Before
Red and I swimming in the Forty foot, laughing. The sun overhead, one of those rare perfect summer days. Him swimming over to me andkissing me. ‘I love you, Tabitha Thomas,’ he said, ‘and I will love you forever.’
*
‘Rosie, listen to me. Maybe you should think about not doing your exams. Take a year off, you know, a breather.’
‘No way…’ there were tears in her eyes again. ‘I have to. You’re making a big deal out of it. Please? Anyway…’ But immediately tears began running down Rosie’s face. ‘I don’t know what to do… I can’tnotdomy exams. Nobody drops out.’
‘Ro…’ I said, gently, ‘what triggers it?’
