I shook my head. ‘I never told him. He doesn’t know about you or anything. Rosie knows, though. I told her the other week.’
‘She’s dealing with a lot lately.’
‘Yes, yes she is.’ I thought of Rosie andhow much she’d been through. She’d be all right though, I was sure of it. She was made of strong stuff. Like her great-grandmother. Like her grandmother. Like her mother. She was a Thomas after all.
‘It was horrible not knowing,’ he said. ‘You not taking my calls. I even sent Dad around to try and find out what was going on.’
‘I know…’
He shook his head. ‘You should have told me,’ he said.‘Not because I had a right to know. That was your decision and I understand that. But because I was your friend. Your boyfriend. And I loved you. I loved you so much, Tab.’
‘I loved you too,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry.’
We looked at each other. ‘When did you meet Michael? God, that was horrible when I found out that you had got married. To Michael Fogarty. Jesus Christ!’
‘A year later,’ I said. ‘Heseemed to suit who I thought I was, what I’d become. I thought it was the right thing to do. And it meant I could try and have another child.’
He took my hand in his. ‘I don’t know what to say…’
‘Nor do I.’ His hand was warm and smooth. Just like I remembered. ‘Why did you stay away so long?’
‘You. I was hurt. Lonely. Angry. Sad. All of those things. You were gone. You were with Michael… youhad Rosie.’
‘Did you meet anyone?’
He nodded. ‘A few really nice women. All of them, I realise now, reminded me a little bit of you. You know, something about their hair, or the way they used their hands or the colour of their eyes.’ He shook his head, looking down. ‘But I just couldn’t get it together to be the man, the partner, they wanted, they deserved. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. AndI wanted a child. I really wanted a child, but it seemed so wrong to have one with someone I knew that I would never love…’ He stopped again, as though he couldn’t quite form the words. He cleared his throat. ‘As much as you. I wish I had or could, and I tried, all these years to…’ He stopped speaking. He was scanning my face.
‘To what?’ My voice was practically a whisper.
‘To forget you, tofind someone else to fall in love with. To move on.’
‘Me too.’ I blinked away my tears. ‘I didn’t forget you either. I thought about you every day. But I couldn’t turn back time. I’d made all these decisions and then I had Rosie. It was too late. I wanted her to have a father and to have a normal home.’
‘I don’t regret all of it,’ he said. ‘I haven’t spent the last 18 years wishing everythingwas different. I’ve been happy… I’ve loved living in the States, I have learned so much about the world. But I compartmentalised, you know? I kept you and Ireland andustightly locked away. It didn’t stop me from having fun and being happy and content, but it did stop me from being fully who I am…’
‘Me too,’ I whispered. ‘Me too. That’s how I feel. I wouldn’t change a thing about Rosie, youknow that. But I have felt the loss of you, the lack of you, for all these years. It’s like I cut off my own arm, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what you were…’
‘Yourarm?’ he deadpanned, defusing all intensity, and I laughed.
‘Myrightarm, does that make it better?’
‘A little.’ He smiled at me.
‘But it’s true…’
For a moment, we stood looking at each other, the gulf of all thoseyears we hadn’t spent together, the fear of an unknown future, but the need to be close, to make up for lost time, the desire to touch each other was too much. And he felt the same. Strong arms pulled me into his chest and I fitted in exactly as I used to, my spot, tucked right in there, close to him, up against his body, the warmth of him.
‘Tabitha…’ His voice in my ear. ‘I never stopped.’
And maybe it was the way he sounded, or the smell of him, the heat of his body, the memories of long nights and days in bed, but something burned inside me that hadn’t for a long time. And it was Red who ignited me, always had… always would.
‘Nor did I. I’m sorry, Red.’
‘Me too,’ he said. ‘Sorry you went through that. But no regrets. You have Rosie and she is all that matters. You know, Tab?’He gave my forehead a little tiny kiss. ‘You haven’t changed.’ And another one. ‘Not one bit, not in any way.’ Two quick ones, closer to my mouth this time. ‘When I saw you again after all those years in your office, it was as though I had stepped back in time.’ And again, on my cheek, edging closer. ‘The way you spoke, the way you looked. Your beautiful face, your lovely voice… it was all I coulddo to stop myself from throwing myself on you and refusing to let go.’ And he kissed me on the lips, a long and lingering and gloriously deep kiss. He was right, sometimes time does stand still, feelings can just stay there for years and years. There we were, Red and Tab. Together again.
And there was something I needed to say. ‘I love you, Red.’
‘And I love you, my darling Tabitha.’
Darling.It beat Mammy any day.
