But Nana always knows, because she’s one of those all-knowing nanas. She knocks softly on the door, then pokes her head in, hair already perfectly coiffed for the day. When she sees me still in my fancy dress, her salt-and-pepper eyebrows furrow behind her glasses.
“What happened, darlin’?” She comes fully into the room and sits on the bed next to me, her little arm wrapped around me like she’d infuse me with any and all strength she has in her body if that’s what I needed.
My nose burns and my head dips to land on her shoulder. I inhale the sugar-and-mothballs scent, wishing I was made of sterner stuff like her.
“Silas said he loves me.”
Her hand tightens on my waist. “Oh, darlin’, I coulda told you that!”
A tear leaks out of my eyes and across the bridge of my nose. “But I didn’t say it back. In fact, I ran out of the restaurant.”
“Oh.”
She’s careful not to lace that simple word with judgement, but I feel it anyway.
“Yeah.”
The sound of my pitiful sniffle is the only sound in the room for a few long moments.
“Want to tell me about it?” Nana asks gently, pulling a tissue out of her sweater and handing it to me.
I swipe at my leaking nose and try to put feelings into words. That’s never been my area of expertise. I’d rather raise my middle fingers and scowl through my emotions.
“I guess…” My voice catches and I have to bitch-slap my emotions onto the back burner before I can speak again. “I just have some concerns that I’m jumping into a relationship too quickly. That I’m following Mom’s pattern.”
The words feel like slimy oil on my tongue. The idea of being like my mother, with her revolving door of boyfriends, is repulsive to me. It’s partially why I tried to make it work so long with my ex when I knew we were past our expiration date.
“Oh, darlin’, you are nothing like Chantilly!” Nana titters like my fears are a bit ridiculous. “I’m her mother, I should know.”
I lift my head and stare at her, trying to see if she’s just telling me what I want to hear. Nana holds my stare, nonplussed.
“We were way too lenient with her. We didn’t push her to go to school or to find a career. She was boy crazy, but we thought it was just a phase she’s grow out of. She just flitted through life with zero responsibilities.” Nana squeezes my waist. “You were the only thing she ever took seriously, and even then I have my suspicions she failed you simply because you outgrew her so early on. She loved you the best way she could, and yet sometimes that’s still not enough.”
Two more tears escape my eyes, but I dash them away with the tissue.
“You, on the other hand, Betsy Mae, have always been determined. Two college degrees? A string of successful jobs with glowing reviews from your bosses. Sure, you’ve just been hunting for direction, direction your mother didn’t even bother to look for. Nothing wrong with that.”
I snort. “There’s definitely something wrong with that. I’m thirty-four, Nana.”
Nana swipes her hand through the air. “Just a baby still.” She shifts so she’s looking right at me. “Stop trying to right your mother’s wrongs. This isyourlife to live, not hers. Stop living it in her shadow. Go do what you want. Live wildly and boldly, Betsy Mae!”
Despite the vise pressing down on my chest, my mouth hooks up on one side. “Have you met me? I don’t live wildly.”
Nana’s eyes practically sparkle. “Have you seen your boyfriend? I’d say that’s living boldly. That man is infatuated with you. Did you see the award you and Silas just won? The kiss you shared in the middle of the park?” She waggles her eyebrows.
I think of the way Silas told me he loved me. His blue eyes glowing with a softness that proved what he said. His big hands shaking as he bared his heart. Everything about Silas feels so trustworthy. He feels like someone I could sink into, no defenses needed.
No, that’s dishonest, and if I can’t be honest with myself, what do I even have left? Silas is someone I’vealreadyfallen for. My defenses are already crumbled at the feet of my Doc Martens. I’m in love with the man.
And that scares the shit out of me.
“In that beautiful heart of yours, what do you want, Betsy Mae? Answer that first, then let Silas know.”
Nana pats my hand, rises from the bed, and shoots me an encouraging smile before she leaves the room. I sit with her advice for a long while, then get sick of my own damn self and get dressed. My stomach’s churning too much for food, so I skip that, grab my keys, and point my SUV toward Jasper Lake. The sun is already creating a hellscape of harsh light and unbearable temperatures. As the warm wind ruffles my hair through theopen windows, I realize I’ve come to love the humidity though. It coats my skin and feels good on my bones.
I laugh out loud as I pull the car into the parking lot at the lake. I’ve been spending too much time with Nana if I’m talking about my bones and the weather.
The lake is busy, thanks to it being a warm weekend. Families and couples pack every spot on the sand. I slide on a pair of sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat and head north. The terrain gets a little more rocky over here, which keeps most of the swimmers away. I pick my way over the rocks, flip-flops slipping and sliding. I don’t stop until I’m the only person in sight. A large rock barely in the water’s edge calls to me. I head that way and plop down, letting the water lap all the way up my calves. I’ll probably burn my shoulders before I figure out what I want to do with my life, but at least I’ll get some of that precious vitamin D.
