“It’s not like we haven’t been apart before. You’ll get used to it.”
“But it’s different knowing you’re here. I... I need you in my life.”
“And this life with me in it, what would it look like?”
I glance up at him. “I don’t know.” I tug at the hem of his shirt. “I hadn’t gotten that far. I had to see you.”
Ollie sighs and releases his hands from behind his head. He gets to his feet, and the hem of his shirt pulls free from my grasp, leaving me empty-handed as I look up at him.
“That’s a problem, love,” he says. “Because I have thought about it. A lot. I’ve been thinking about it for years.”
“Our life can look like whatever you want it to look like,” I say. “Just come home.”
Ollie turns away from me. I look out at the harbor and think of theTitanic, sensing that this conversation is sinking fast.
“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to come here?” he says, still not looking at me. “I wish I could tell you everything that’s happened. I’ve had to face fifteen fucking years away from here, from Jack and Mum. It doesn’t matter that Da’s dead. It was all still here waiting for me.”
“How is your mom?”
He shrugs. “It’s complicated. She misses him, but at the same time... she’s relieved? And guilty. It’s a fucking mess, really. I don’t know if me being here is making it worse or better. Jack says better, but...” He shakes his head.
“I can’t even imagine.” I get to my feet and stand just behind him, resting my hand on his elbow.
“I wanted to call you every day, Nina. Some days, the first thing I’d do is look up what the next flight back to the US was. I’ve got them all memorized now,” he says. “You have no idea how many times I almost bought the next ticket back to you.”
“So come home,” I say.
He turns to me. “I am home, Nina. I’m glad I’m here. I would’ve needed to deal with all of this at some point. I always said Da was why I couldn’t come back here, but I could’ve come without seeing him. And you... Even when we weren’t speaking, even when I was seeing someone else, I told myself that I couldn’t leave you. But I was just using you as an excuse not to deal with everything I left behind. I’m sorry for that, kitten.”
“What... what are you saying?”
Alarm passes over his face. “Oh, no, darling,” he says. He steps nearer and takes my face in his hands, tilting it up to look into his. “You misunderstand me. Loving you wasn’t just an excuse. I love you, for real. Always have, still do, likely always will.” A flutter of relief passes through me. Finally, he’s said it. Finally, he’s touching me. “But...”
“But what?” At the look on his face, my relief fades as quickly as it arrived. “Why do I feel like you’re about to break my heart?”
Ollie caresses my cheek with a thumb before letting me go. “My da was a nice guy, you know,” he says. “Beat the ever-loving shite out of us, but he wasn’t always like that. He could be downright likable. Most charming fella in town.”
I try to follow Ollie’s train of thought, but I’m not sure where he’s going with this. What does his dad have to do with us?
“Home could be real stressful-like. But there’d be these long stretches of time where we had the nice version of Da, the one everyone else knew. He’d feel guilty for what he’d done and apologize. He’d surprise us—get Mum flowers, me and Jack new bikes and stuff. He’d promise never to hurt us again. And every time... every fucking time, I’d believe him, even though I knew I shouldn’t. But he never changed, Nina. He never changed a damn thing. None of us did.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” I say.
“I’m not saying you remind me of my da, Nina. I couldn’t. You’re unlike him in a million ways.”
“Then what?”
Ollie takes my hand in his and looks down at it. He traces the lines on my palm as if they can spell out everything that’s happened between us. “I don’t know, Neen. We’ve been doing the same thing over and over. Every time we got close, I told myself that this time could be different, but it never was, becausewenever changed, neither of us. Then Da died, and I thought,To hell with this!I thought that maybe if I put everything on the line, things really would be different. We could break out of this on-and-off and in-between thing.”
He gives my hand a squeeze before letting go. “But it didn’t matter that I changed, because you didn’t. When you said you loved me... that you’d really be with me, I was so desperate to believe you. I was like my mum, hanging on to something that was never gonna happen.”
“No,” I say. I want to cover his mouth with a hand, to make him eat his words, to stop him from saying whatever he’s about to say. “It will be different this time. I promise.”
Ollie shakes his head. “I can’t know that, Nina. And neither can you, because you haven’t really thought about it. You don’t want to lose me, but you don’t know if you want what I do.”
“I do!” I say.
“Then what do you want, Nina?” he says. His voice is raised, but not angry. It’s desperate. “What do you see our future being?”
