“Look at me,” Ollie says. When I turn to face him, his eyes dart to my mouth. For a moment, I think he’s about to kiss me. If he did, I’d kiss him back, even though I shouldn’t. I’ve got a Pavlovian response to that fucking tea.
Ollie leans toward me, pausing when his mouth is a mere breath away from mine. “I don’t want toonlyhave fun with you, Nina. I’m notcapableof only having fun with you.”
“Then what do you want?”
He pulls away with a sigh. “Everything. Jesus, girl. Why is that so hard to understand?”
There is a beat of silence as we stare at each other, and Ollie’s anger flattens into an unnerving calm.
“I have a theory,” he says. “Do you want to hear it?”
I don’t say anything, because I do want to hear it. I want someone to explain to me why I’m incapable of either taking him or letting him go.
“You’re scared.”
“I’m not scared.”
Ollie continues as if he hasn’t heard me. “You can’t admit you love me because it feels like giving up control. So you just keep doing the same thing over and over again, bringing me as close as you can stand and then shoving me away. You’re stuck, Nina, and I can’t do it anymore. I love you, but once charter season is over, I’m done.”
The wordstucksmacks me over the top of the head like one of his precious cast-iron frying pans. “Stuck?”
“Think, Nina. What about your life has changed over the last ten years?”
“My life is perfect.”
“Oh, it’s perfect, all right. Perfectly in control. You pretend you’re all fun and games, but you’re not, Nina. You’re calculating. You and your fecking rules. Are you even having fun? Because I don’t think you are. Not really. I get why you feel like you can’t risk the chance of something going wrong. I do, but—”
“But what? I’ll say,Yes, Ollie, let’s be together!and suddenly I’ll have a whole new life? Be a whole new person? Is that what you want? I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to where I am, and my life might notlookdifferent to you, but I can assure you that not drowning in debt, not having anyone else’s mistakes tying me down,feelsdifferent.”
Ollie’s expression softens. “I know—”
“I know you do. You know exactly what it’s like to be hurt again and again by the people you trusted.”
“I won’t hurt you.”
“You don’twantto hurt me. Intentions are wonderful, Ollie, but they aren’t real.”
He throws up his hands. “Fine! I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you. But you can’t live like this, Nina.”
“I can live however I want. That’s the point.” I finish organizing Ollie’s drawer, then grab his sheet and nudge him aside so I can fit it around the mattress on the bottom bunk.
“Nina, stop.”
“Why?” I tuck the first corner of the sheet swiftly into place. “Go ahead. Have the bottom bunk. Plunge us into darkness for the next four months. What do I care?”
“C’mon, Neen, don’t be like that.”
I yank the second corner so hard it makes the first come undone. Ollie falls quiet. When all four corners are in place, I smooth the sheetand turn to face him. His eyes are as humorless as they were on New Year’s Eve, and I want to run my fingers through his hair and soothe the hurt I see in them. But I can’t. Not now. Not when I’m the cause of it.
Xav’s voice breaks the silence when it comes on over the radio. “Nina, Ollie, this is Xav.”
“The preference sheet meeting,” I say. I unclip my radio from my shorts. “Nina and Ollie here, over.”
“Quit dicking around and get up to the wheelhouse. Now.”
I shoot Ollie a glare. “Already on our way.”
Ollie yanks on a shirt and storms from the room. I watch him go, then take a deep breath before I step out into the hallway and face the confused expressions of my crewmates.
