Unlike me, Killen always knew how to ask the right questions.
Even when the answers would have only caused him more pain.
Because the truth is, I didn’t ask the future if he would cheat, I asked it if the two of us had a future, and that’s what it showed me in reply. Not the blurry kind of vision that’s open to interpretation—this offering was crystal fucking clear, awash with both sights and feelings. I’d tasted no shame in it, no hesitation, no guilt. What Killen felt when he kissed the blond-haired girl with the roaming hands was love, and lust, and absolute need. Which would have been the worst part if not for the fact that allIfelt was relief.
That’s why I was so keen to believe it.
Because the thing about the future is that once you see it, you can change it, and if you change it, was it ever the future at all? Except for the fact it was. An inevitability, but at the same time, notan excuse to do nothing, and this vision was all the excuse I needed to call us quits.
“Look, I get that I’m the last person you want to see right now, but I need a spell.” I skip us past the pleasantries and get straight to the point.
“You need a spell,” he repeats, staring at me as though possessed. “In the middle of the night. From your ex.”
“From aBlue,” I correct. And as much as I’d rather not tell Killen this next part, he can’t rid me of Saleen’s compulsion if he doesn’t know it exists. “I lost a bet and found myself at the wrong end of a Red.” Though I do massage the truth just a little, since he doesn’t need to know thewhysthat led to me being compelled.
“And you want the magic accelerated off?”
“I don’t like not being in control of my own mind.”
“Funny, because I don’t like doing favors for my ex-girlfriend.”
I had a feeling he might say that.
That’s why I came prepared.
“It’s not a favor if you’re getting something in return,” I say, tossing him a hefty purse.
“Pass.” A flash of embarrassment colors his cheeks, the heat glowing stark against the smokey shadows. “Go pay some other Blue.”
“Don’t be an idiot. I know you need it.” The words escape before I can stop them, twisting his hard-cut features into an angry mask, his embarrassment turning to offence.
“I don’twantyour money, Raya,” he grits, stubborn as ever. Killen never did like talking about money, or more precisely, talking about his family’s lack of money compared to the wealth of mine. It used to drive me nuts when we were still together, because coin—or a lack thereof—does not a good Shade make. Hells, Killen is a far better Shade than I’ve ever been. Smart, meticulous, thorough, a natural hand at channeling his gift. Which is why I didn’t just go to some other Blue; I came to the one I could trust to do the job well.
“Fine, but I’m going to leave it here whether you help me or not, so you can either have it for no reason, or for a spell. Your choice,” I say, knowing full well that he’s less likely to accept a gift than a trade,choose charity over favor. And for a long moment, I see the need to argue in his eyes, to tell me not to bother leaving the purse because he’ll only find a way to give it back. But the truth of the matter is, he does need it. He’s needed it ever since his father left and his mother grew too depressed to leave the house. Killen can’t afford to let this much coin slip through his fingers. No matter how much getting it from me might sting.
“Whatever.” He finally relents with a sigh, sending a sharp ache shooting through my ribs. I don’t like hurting Killen. I never liked hurting Killen—that’s why I stayed with him so long in the first place.
Because I did love him.
I loved his kind heart, and his crooked smile, and his unending capacity for compassion and grace.
I just didn’t love him the same way he loved me.
“Anything I should know about the spell I’m accelerating?” Killen asks, snapping me out of my regret.
“Just that it’s a compulsion spell with about a week’s worth of juice left.” I steal a quick glance at Damian, to ensure that we’re not being overheard.
“Relax, he’d sleep through an invasion.”
“Right, yeah. I remember.” It’s a stupid—stupid—thing to say, and it hangs awkwardly between us, like the memory of a life unmade. I remember a lot of things about this room, and this bed, and all those nights we spent pretending Damian didn’t exist. I remember running my fingers through Killen’s hair and along his sun-kissed shoulders, stealing kisses between classes and getting sucked into conversations that stretched on for hours on end. I remember that it wasn’t all bad, actually. That even the wrong guy feels right, sometimes. But most importantly, I remember that if it were up to Killen, we’d still be together—which is why I shouldn’t make things worse by giving that admission air.
Unlike with Saleen, I don’t have to brace myself for Killen’s spell. A Blue’s power is the most curious of magics in that you can only feel it working if it’s used to accelerate a physical process within the body, otherwise, it’s all about watching the desired result unveil. With just a flick of his hand, Killen could turn a light drizzle into a rainstorm,bake a loaf of bread the second it touches the oven, speed up the task of reading a book or filling a well.He could even kill with it.I shudder as his eyes close in concentration, as he places two fingers at each of my temples and orders the color in his blood to wake. If he felt like breaking the law, Killen could command my heart to beat right through my chest or force my blood to circulate so fast it wore a hole through my veins. He could quite literally age me to death between heartbeats.
“Okay—that’s you sorted.”
But of course, Killen doesn’t do any of those things, and he pulls away before the static charge building between us grows thick enough to spark a blaze. “I designed the spell to affect any and all Red magic, so your mind should be fully yours again.”
“Thanks.” I silently probe for any hint of Saleen’s compulsion, testing to ensure the validity of Killen’s claim.
