“No, not Adriel—Killen,” I say. “I have to go after Killen.”
“Erm . . . but . . . wouldn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of what you did in the first place?” Her head cocks with the question. “If he, you know, sees that she isn’t you?”
“No, that’s not—I’m not going to do anything,” I tell her. Or rather, I’m not going toundoit. “It’s just . . . letting them leave was a bad idea; I need to make sure he’s safe. And look, none of you have to come, okay?” I hurry to add before she can protest. “You should all go back to Saleen’s, see if anything Adriel said leads to something new in the books. I’ll catch up.”
“Uh-uh.” Akari crosses her arms and worries at her bottom lip. “That’s not a good idea. What if something happens and we need to find you?”
“Then I’ll . . . take . . . Ezzo with me.” I volunteer him for the task without thinking. “He can track you; you can scry him—if you don’t mind coming, I mean?” I turn to give him the option, all too aware that, once again, I reduced him to the usefulness of his gift.
“It’s fine,” he says, less to me than to Cemmy and Chase. “If we’re going to split up, doing it like this does make sense.”
“Great, then let’s go.” I practically wrench him from the table, steering us out of the tavern before the others can muster up another reason to object—which Chase very much looks about to.
“Raya, would you please slow down?” Ezzo sighs as I barrel us into the street. “They can’t have gone far. We’ll find them.”
And he’s right; we do find them. It only takes a few minutes of searching to stumble across the courtesan’s melodic laugh and her cascade of golden waves.
“There—in the park.” She and Killen are sat beneath the canopy of a weeping willow, cuddled together in a way that stings far worse than watching them kiss. It’s like looking back at an old memory, of a boy who’s happy and a girl who’s pretending to be, a Blue who deserved better then and deserves better now.So much fucking better than this.
“Come on, let’s phase. We can keep an eye on them from the Gray.” Ezzo blinks me away by the elbow, lending the scene around us a wholly different feel. The air strips of sound and color, the trees blooming to smokey charcoal, the water in the stone fountain darkening to glossy black ink. This late in the night, there aren’t that many others here, only a few scattered echoes passing through the park like phantoms, so even if Ezzo wasn’t as well versed as he is at tracking flickers, we’d still be in no danger of losing them.
“He’s important to you, isn’t he?” he asks, voice kinder than it’s been all evening.
“He was.” I sink down to the grass and wrap my arms around my knees, keeping my eyes fixed firmly on the sky, the wildflowers, the path that snakes between privets; on anything other than Killen.
“And he wanted to be again?” Ezzo guesses at the reason that led him to the tavern, why he left the Academy to come searching for me.
“Yeah.”
“But that’s not what you want?”
“Not because he did anything wrong.” It feels important for me to say that, for him to know that Killen did nothing that would warrant . . .this. “He just thought we would be forever and I didn’t—even though I wish I did.” As if on cue, Killen’s echo shifts closer to the courtesan’s, their lights encircling each other playfully until I grow violently ill.
“We don’t always get forever, Raya.” There’s a sadness to Ezzo’s words that speaks of experience, to a loss he’s had to endure because ofusprobably. Because for a Hue, even tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. “If you didn’t love him, then you did the right thing.”
I assume he’s talking about the break-up rather than this horror I’m now inflicting.
“I owe you an apology, Ezzo.” Since I can’t tell Killen I’m sorry, I placate my conscience by apologizing to him.
“For?”
My kind. My contempt. My beliefs. Lying to get out of the Academy for the sole purpose of handing him in.
“All the really crappy things I’ve said to you these past two days.” As far as apologies go, this one feels wildly deficient, but it’s the only way I can bring myself to begin.
“I can deal with a few insults, Raya.” Ezzo bristles, as though he’d hoped I’d say something else. “What I want to know is what happensafterwe stop the Meridian.” He turns to look at me head-on, spelling his distrust clear. “How sorry are you going to be when you no longerneed my gift?” Those words sound even harsher coming from him than they did me.
“Enough to lie to the Council,” I say—and I mean it. “I have no intention of telling them about you or Cemmy or Chase.” For while I can’t call off the trackers’ search for them or change four centuries’ worth of deceit, I can control what I do.
I can stop perpetuating this vicious cycle.
Win back his goodwill.
“Then your apology is accepted,” Ezzo says, shooting me a small smile.
He doesn’t do that a lot, I realize—and even when he does, the action feels mechanical, a smile in name only that never seems to reach his eyes. Which is a shame because Ezzo’s face is truly lovely when he smiles. It’s lovely when he doesn’t, too, if I’m honest, but there’s something about the way his lips crook and his angles soften that makes it impossible not to smile back. In fact, sitting here, engulfed in the glittering darkness, I finally understand what the future thinks I’ll one day see in him, how easy it would be to forget the rules now that I’ve learned they’re based on a lie. Because somewhere between escaping the Golden Stag tavern and forcing him to follow my ex to this park, my certainty has shifted—or at least, my feelings have, the conviction that I could never,ever, fall for an illegal half. I mean, hells, we’ve only known each other a shortwhile and already, I can see exactly how necessity might slowly breed closeness—might gradually turn into love. I’m no longer even sure I should be fighting it.
You’ve already self-fulfilled one prophecy, so why not just give the future what it wants?Why keep pushing and pushing against it when I could just lean over and kiss Ezzo right now, find out if every part of my vision is fundamental.
