Carson could park a literal tank, and like all transportation corps soldiers, he likely had legendary spatial awareness. He knew exactly how close we were, yet he stayed put. Statistics probability equations I hadn’t used since college crowded my brain as I calculated the chances he might welcome a move.
I’d seldom had so much riding on being right.
Carson was the best potential friend I’d had in years. Did I really want to risk our growing friendship? A vision of my solitary kitchen flashed before my eyes, a reminder of the loneliness that awaited me if I were wrong.
Even so, I wanted with the force of a solar storm. The heat represented by each tiny star above had nothing on the heat coursing through me. Maybe?—
“Should get back.” Abruptly, Carson sat up. The moment that had stretched on and on disappeared into a black hole of nothingness. Had he given up on waiting for me? Had I done the right thing in resisting the pull between us?
I had no clue. Not a one. I hoisted myself up to sitting, rubbing at my bleary eyes.
“Yeah, let’s get you back to the ranch.” And me back to my silent home. The loneliness I’d sought to avoid threatened to swamp me anyway. The only consolation I had was that at least I hadn’t lost a friend over a single impulsive action.
But oh, how I wanted.
Chapter Nine
Carson
August rolled on,hot and dry and with entirely too much time for me to replay stargazing with Jude. This sunny morning, I was alone in the arena with a stubborn Cinder and lingering memories of that moment between us. We’d almost…something. Not sure exactly what, which was part of why my thoughts kept circling back to Jude. The want in his eyes had been clear enough, but so was whatever internal debate he was having.
I knew full well that plenty of guys who fooled around with guys had conflicted feelings. I’d always preferred to simply let someone else make the move rather than force an encounter that might be regretted later. As a result, my experience was limited to a few late-night mutual jerk-off sessions and other such casual things. Jude had looked ready to kiss me, a novelty in its own right, almost as surprising as how I’d been ready to let him.
“Giddyup.” I coaxed Cinder forward, hoping to out-trot my ruminations. “Come on. Doc’s orders.”
Of course the mention of Jude put my brain right back in the same place. Kat had mentioned he might stop by later, and I’d had a low thrum of anticipation ever since breakfast. I’d mucked the stalls quickly to earn a little extra time exercising Cinder. Cinder was back to eating regularly, but all the extra attentionseemed to help. Finally, we reached something of an agreement, and Cinder consented to trot in a circle.
“Hey, Carson.” Colt, not Jude, stood at the gate to the arena. Darn him for not being Jude, and darn me for caring. “You certainly look at home up there.”
“Horse sense comes back.” I nodded to acknowledge Colt’s praise as I directed Cinder closer to the gate. My helmet was stifling, but complaining to my big brother about that restriction would get me nowhere.
“I see.” Colt smiled. He likely meant to be encouraging, but I bristled at his near-parental concern. “You getting on okay? Everyone treating you well?”
“All good.” I kept a loose hold on the reins and held my posture in check, despite the urge to shift in the saddle. Thanks to the military, I had plenty of experience masking irritation. I wasn’t lying, however. I got along fine with the other hands, when people weren’t fussing over me, had finally learned all their names, and even joined in a few card games. “Quit worrying.”
“It’s my job.” Colt was never going to stop being the older brother. I wished he’d head on to the sheriff’s office or whatever other business he had today. “You do seem to be fitting in. How are the headaches?”
“Fine.” Like my speech and coordination, I’d noticed a few improvements over the past couple of weeks. Maybe there was something to the fresh air and hard work of ranch life, but more likely, my diligence in continuing the therapy exercises on my own was paying off. “Little wins.”
“That’s good.” Colt’s smile shifted, ever so slightly more calculating. Ah. We were getting to the real reason for his visit. “Maverick’s been bugging me about having you around for dinner soon. Maybe tomorrow night?”
“Suppose so.” I couldn’t summon a ton of enthusiasm for a command appearance at a family dinner, one where I might be called upon to make more conversation amid all that domestic bliss.
“I…uh…Maverick’s a good guy.” Colt quirked his lips. “I know it’s probably a bit weird, me being married again, and to Maverick.”
“I’ve got no problems.” We hadn’t had much discussion about Colt’s life changes, but my discomfort had nothing to do with Maverick’s gender or the unexpected revelation about Colt’s sexuality. I might prefer to play my own cards closer to my chest, but I wasn’t judgmental.
“Good.” Colt’s smile loosened back up. “So you’ll do dinner? We don’t want you getting too lonely.”
“I won’t.” I’d settled into something of a routine on the ranch. Wake up early. Chores. Some company at dinner. Maybe some cards. The occasional text with Jude. The only times I truly felt lonely were when I caught Alder gazing at Grayson or saw Colt and Maverick all happy. I’d never been one to yearn for someone to come home to, but they sure made it look appealing.
Colt didn’t stick around much beyond working out the details for dinner, leaving me to finish Cinder’s exercise. I returned her to her stall and gave her a good brushing, more of that attention she seemed to crave. Next, I prepared a couple of horses for ranch guests at Kat’s request. Luckily, I didn’t have to interact with the guests as Kat took over once I had everyone saddled.
Right after she left with the guests, Jude came striding into the barn. Unlike with Colt, I didn’t have to force a wide grin. As muddled as my thoughts were around him, I was still happy to see him again in person. Merely the sight of him toting his medical bag in his black cowboy hat and the summer-weight plaid shirt he filled out nicely made me feel lighter, a strange bubbly sensation in my chest.
“What’s up, Doc?” I joked, earning a groan from Jude.
“Very funny.” Shaking his head at my corniness, he returned my smile. “I came by for another look at the rescues and a few other cases.”
