I was, very deliberately, riling him up.
“And as a gesture of my client’s enduring goodwill, they have this morning increased their offer by a further five million pounds, on the condition you withdraw the house from the market today.”
I shook my head. “Alas, I can’t do that, Horatio.”
The head was rattling now, great chunks of spittle flying everywhere, face completely blue like that kid inWilly Wonka.
“Why not?” he raged.
“Because—and this does seem to be a point you’ve failed to understand at every juncture, dear chap, which really is an appalling oversight for someone in your line of business—it’s not bloody well on the market. It’s never been on the market. It’s not going to be on the market. My family home will never be a hotel!”
That’s when the name-calling started.
“You are a joke, William. You’re humiliating yourself. You’re not a quarter of the man your brother was. Or your father.”
Fury welled inside me. Back at Petersham College, Horatio had led the gang of bullies who haunted my every waking move—and many of my nightmares. He and his little friends had been responsible for me seeking refuge in the school library and then, when I saw how he never picked on the beefy lads on the rugby team, for taking up rugger. He still knew how to press my buttons, and he was bashing at them with his fist now.
“It won’t work, Horatio,” I growled. “Now piss off back to Daddy and tell him you’ve failed. Yet again.”
That got him.
“You’ve always been an idiot, William, but at least now everyone can see how stupid you really are. I could have saved you from all this. Itriedto save you from all this. If you’d sold the estate when I first came to you, I could have spared you all this embarrassment.”
My parents taught me never to choose violence, but in that moment, the only thing stopping me bashing Horatio over the head with the hilt of my sword was the vision of Petey appearing behind him through the tent flaps. Apparently, no one had ever taught Petey not to choose violence because he calmly tapped Horatio on the shoulder and, when he turned around, planted his fist into the odious man’s eye socket.
Horatio fell to the floor, clutching his hands to his face and threatening to sue. Petey picked the newspaper off the ground and stood over Horatio like an East End heavy in a gangster film.
“You know who I am,” he said with menace. He pointed to the newspaper article. “You know who my people are. You come for me, mate, and we’re coming for you. And we’ll do you slowly, fingernail by fingernail, until you wish you’d never been born. Now I reckon, prima facie, William’s already got a dozen cases against you, civil and criminal. Enough to tie you up in court for years. I don’t even have to break your legs. What will my old man find once he starts grubbing about in your private affairs? You better hope you’re squeaky clean, bruv. Or you might be spending a lot of time as a guest of His Majesty. Now, I don’t know your people, but I reckon they’d probably consider you a bit of a failure when they visit you in Wormwood Scrubs. So why don’t you stop cowering on the ground, stop making threats you’re never going to follow through on, and fuck right off, you pathetic little pisswank.”
Horatio jumped to his feet and scuttled out across the common.
I stared at Petey in awe.
“What have I witnessed?”
Petey calmly unhooked the tent flap, shutting out the outside world, so the two of us were alone.
“Are you OK?” he said, grabbing my hand, his voice back to normal.
“Holy shit, that was hot. I mean, I would never condone violence. I’m certainly glad you didn’t have access to my sword. Butwow!You beat up my school bully.”
My erection was bashing against the inside of my armour like a battering ram. Petey wove his hands behind my neck and pulled me towards him, his eyes blazing with intensity.
“I want you to listen to me, William. You arenota failure. You’re magnificent. The people here love you and respect you and want you to succeed. So do I. I amsoproud to be your fake fiancé.”
I let my sword clatter to the ground, clasped my hands around Petey’s jaw, and dragged him into a deep, passionate kiss. As we pulled apart, Petey started jumping up and down, hands flapping, face contorted in disgust.
“Ew, ew, ew! I just invoked my parents. I’ve literally never done that in my entire life. I feel sodiiiiiiiirty.”
I didn’t feel dirty. I felt incredibly turned on. A switch had been flicked inside my brain.
Chapter 37
Petey
The brassy crackle of a medieval fanfare pierced the air, nearly making me jump out of my skin. I was sitting on a hay bale overlooking a huge expanse of common that had been roped off for the re-enactment. Around me, hundreds of locals chattered and squealed with excitement.
“There you are, Petey darling.”
