“Pennies?” I was so indignant I put down my knife. “I’ve saved us hundreds of pounds.”
“Congratulations, darling!”
Aunty Karma appeared in the doorway in a white terry towelling dressing gown.
“And whose robe is that?” I asked.
Karma selected the chair opposite Mother. “What are we congratulating?”
“William,” Mother said, pouring out the coffee. “He managed the toilet last night, all by himself.”
Aunty Karma frowned.
“Six hours it took me,” I said, dipping my soldier into my egg. “I didn’t think I was ever going to winkle it out.”
Aunty Karma grimaced. “Do you think it’s your diet?”
Mother laughed. When I explained I’d spent my night coaxing a dead wood pigeon out of a two-hundred-year-old S-bend, Aunty Karma howled, too, which made Mother start up. It was like an incontinence commercial. Then something caught Aunty Karma’s eye, and she stopped.
“Is that a camera?” She folded in on herself, shielding her face.
I glanced up at the corner of the ceiling.
“They’ve set them up all over the house. Don’t worry. They’re not turned on yet. No one’s filming you in your nightie.”
“Every camera is filming, if someone wants it to be filming.” Karma shuffled around to turn her back to it. “You never know who could be watching.”
I sat there in astonishment, toast soldier poised in mid-air.
“Aunty Karma, you don’thaveto tell me, of course. I make no judgement. Who among us hasn’t sinned? But… are you on the run?”
Mum rolled her eyes and cut into a grapefruit. Aunty Karma shook her head. To have seen her the previous night, at her paganest witchiest, you would never have guessed my mother’s best friend was a weekend warrior of the dark web. To be honest,Mum and I normally took extreme care to avoid any topic that might bring up the subject. Everyone’s tedious when they’re on their soapbox. Ask me whether Brandon Osmond’sAKingdom of Vipers and Valourseries is better epic fantasy than D. R. R. Fanshaw’sKnights-Erranttrilogy, and you’ll see what I mean.
“If you’d seen the things I’ve seen online,” Aunty Karma said, “you’d be more protective of your privacy. Someone could easily hack into the system. Someone could be watching us right now.”
“I wish you’d told me earlier. I’d have done my hair.”
“You can laugh, William, but?—”
I held up a hand. It was time to change the subject or we’d be here all day. “The correct form of address is ‘my lord,’ if you please, Aunty Karma.”
“You cheeky little upstart, I used to change your nappies! You might be built like a shire pony, William Winters, but you’re not too big to put over my knee.”
“In front of the cameras? What would that footage be worth on the dark web? If it’s enough to rewire the west wing, I’m game.”
“William, really!” Mum said, horrified.
“Needs must, Mother.”
Aunty Karma shook her head. “I don’t know how you can voluntarily live with cameras everywhere like this.”
“I’m not. I’m moving up into the folly this afternoon. There are no cameras up there.”
“The folly?” Mother said, her eyes glazing. I hadn’t had the heart to tell her until now. I knew how she’d be. Avoiding her gaze, I went to dip my soldier but discovered I’d run out of dippy egg.
“Do we have any more soft-boiled eggs?”
“Why the folly, darling?” Mum asked.
