“It’s for, like, three more weeks, bruv.”
“I’m not merely the lord of the manor, I’m Buckford’s custodian, its caretaker for my lifetime. I have a responsibility to look after it.”
This privileged idiot had clearly fallen for the same horseshit “family legacy” speech as my brother and sister. Still, he was very sexy when he was passionate. He was very sexy when he wasn’t passionate, too, but there was something incredibly hot about him coming over all masterful like that. Apparently, he was even sexy when he wasn’t being very helpful.
Indira blew out a stream of smoke. “We could tell them he’s gay. Take him off the table that way.”
“I already tried that,” William said. “They sent Tom up to test out the theory.”
“Tom’s into guys?” Indira asked.
“Into, verging on assault, I would say,” William said. “And it didn’t work, because I had three more women visit me after Tom, one of whom spat so badly when she spoke I had to have a shower. The papers call me the bisexual baron, no one is going to believe I’m off limits based on my advertised preferences alone.”
Indira sucked on her cigarette. “Unless we take you off the table likecompletelycompletely.”
William looked horrified. “You want to… murder me?”
“No, you fucking dafty.” Smoke was leaking from Indira’s head like a Victorian chimney. “We tell them you’re already in a committed relationship.”
“Genius,” I said. Possibly laying it on a bit thick.
William looked wary. “With whom?”
Cigarette burning away between her fingers, Indira pointed at me.Oh God!William looked aghast.
“Got a better idea?” she asked.
I looked at William, William looked at me, we both seemed to consider it for a second, then we shrugged in unison. I might not have come up with the solution, but surely the next best thing was to be an integral part of it?
“Go pack your things, Petey Boy, you’re moving into that fucking Rapunzel tower with Lord Rumpled Sportsman here.”
William threw his hand up into his hair. “Hold on, there’s only onetinybed.”
I was eager to be helpful. “I don’t mind if?—”
“No, I’m not having that,” Indira said. She pointed at William. “You I don’t give a fuck about. But Peter I have a duty of care for. You’ve got two hundred rooms, you must have a spare couch you can drag up there.”
William wavered. “We might have an old trundle bed in the attic? Bramley will know.”
“Problem solved.” Indira sucked deeply on her cigarette, one eye squinting against the smoke. “Peter, when you do the morning rundown with the cast at breakfast tomorrow, you’re going to announce Lord Juicyballs here is your boyfriend.”
William and I glanced at each other. He looked petrified.
“Take him with you. Put on a show. Convince them you’re so in love you can’t keep your hands off each other. You’re up his arse like a rat up a drainpipe every chance you get. Fuck it. In fact, tell them you’re engaged. Let’s really lock this down. You’re both very flattered and all that, but Mr Darcy is shagging Mr Wickham.”
“Wickham?” It was a bit much. “Can’t I be Bingley?”
Indira, emotionless, sucked on her cigarette like it was sustaining her existence.
“Do you think they’ll swallow it?” William asked.
He was right. “It is a bit convenient, isn’t it? We’re filming in his house and I’m his fiancé?”
“Tell them that’s how we got permission to film here.” Indira blew out her smoke. “You’re a smart kid. Use your fucking imagination. We need you to convince the cast you’re in love. It can’t be fucking hard. Six of them have already told our cameras they’re in love, and they only met four days ago.”
The next morning the whole cast—lords, ladies, and servants, all dressed in their Regency gear—gathered in Buckford Hall’s dining room for breakfast. It was the daily routine: The show’s catering company laid out all the options, buffet-style, and the cast helped themselves. They could sit with and chat to whomever they wanted. Our installed cameras filmed the whole thing, in case something vital to the narrative happened, but it was understood this footage wasn’t generally used. At some point, either I or one of the other assistant producers would interrupt to deliver the rundown for the day. I stood in the hallway with William, summoning the courage to make my entrance.
“Take a few deep breaths,” William said. I met his grey eyes, and he smiled reassuringly.
