“We’ll get in trouble for this,” I said, closing the door as gently as possible, as if someone might hear it click and we’d be sent to see the headmaster for a flogging.
“Remember all those nights we used to sneak out of dorms to go to the cinema in Richmond?” Jonty said, making himself comfortable on my bed.
“We only did that once.”
“Did we?”
“You abandoned me halfway through to go hang out by the towpath and fondle Laura Pettigrew’s tits.”
“Ah yes! Good old Heavy Pettigrew.” Jonty disappeared into memory. “Collected virginities like Pokémon. Absolutely relentless. Did she track you down in the end?”
I shuddered. “Mercifully not.”
“Oh, shame. Who punched your V-card, then? I know her brother was sweet on you.”
I winced. I wasn’t ashamed of being a virgin, but I wasn’t going to admit my status to Jonty or he’d take it up like a charitable cause. I’d end up as part of an Instagram campaign. Fortunately, Jonty was easy to distract.
“Tea?” I pointed to the kettle on the gas ring.
“Splendid suggestion, Dub-Dub! Don’t mind if I do. Have you got oat milk? Lactose intolerant these days. If I get so much as a whiff of an unwashed cow creamer, I’m shitting for Britain. Still, keeps you slim.” He flopped back onto the bed. “So, Bunny Winters cheats at Scrabble, hey? Escándalo!”
I’d forgotten how completely overwhelming Jonty’s presence could be. While the kettle boiled, I listened to him catching up on old times. The entire time I was terrified either Petey Boy or, God forbid, Indira might burst through the door to make an arrest. There were cameras throughout the house. Surely it was only a matter of minutes before someone noticed Jonty Boche was missing and came to collect their errant schoolboy? I didn’t fancy opening the door to either of them with Jonty sprawled across my bed, so I suggested we take our tea up to the study. As Jonty padded up the stairs, wittering on about his beloveddormice, I quickly snuck open the door to check the hall for any sign of rampaging producers. The coast was clear, but the little robot camera mounted in the corner of the hall turned its eye towards me, its red LED blinking. I slammed the door shut.
Upstairs, Jonty was flopped in Dad’s old armchair like he owned it, my copy ofThe Page’s Questin his lap, the envelope in his hands.
“I think you’re meant to open these,” he said, waving it about.
I snatched the letter out of his hand and tossed it onto my father’s desk, nearly spilling my tea.
“It looks kind of angry. All those red letters.”
“It’s nothing.”
I perched on the edge of the other chair. Fortunately, Jonty had the attention span of a lobotomised squirrel.
“I adored your old man,” he said, looking around a room. “A true British eccentric. I remember he used to go up to the roof to do yoga first thing in the morning. Stark bollock naked. Arse up, saluting the sun, dangly old scrotum visible from space. Must have been astronauts chundering their cornflakes up all over the International Space Station.”
He tossed my book onto the coffee table and reached for his tea. “You’ll never guess who I bumped into earlier.”
I shrugged. “Oscar-winning actor Dame Judi Dench?”
He frowned. “No, Petey Boy. The producer. Chum of Ludo’s, dresses like a garage mechanic, looks like he was assembled from a flat-pack. And he was asking me questions aboutyou.” Jonty’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “I’m telling you now, Dub-Dub, he’s hot for you. Absolutely roasting. Oiled up, generously salted, and slapping his rump with buttered rosemary. You should get in there.”
My pulse broke into a light canter. I couldn’t stop it. Not wanting to look too keen, I scoffed loudly.
“Don’t be ridiculous. If Petey Boy thinks of me at all, he thinks I’m a nuisance.”
Now Jonty scoffed. “Noooooo! No, no, no, no, no, noooooo. Perish the thought!” He batted the idea away with his hand. “He’s into you all right. Made a point of asking me what your ‘deal’ was. If that’s not a sure sign his old tip’s tingling for you, I don’t know what is.”
I fidgeted on my chair, feeling uncomfortable. “And what did you tell him?”
“I bigged you up, old chap. Pointed out all your finest qualities! Level six human paladin with an oath of devotion. Brain so remarkable it should be studied by science. So impressively hung the lads all call you the National Gallery. That sort of thing.”
I laughed. “Well, he’s under no illusions there. He burst into my bathroom uninvited about half an hour ago and saw the whole exhibition for free.”
Jonty’s hand shot up into his loose black curls. “My God, he moves fast! I can’t have left him more than a few minutes earlier. Imagine if the British government had that kind of efficiency. We’d still have an empire.” Jonty kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. “So, what happened?”
“He was so flustered he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”
