“I’ll have a word.”
“Thank you.”
Without dropping eye contact, Indira took a deep drag of her cigarette, then blew her smoke out in a long, steady stream.
“How are you feeling about all this?” Her tone had completely changed, as if the tobacco had achieved what the sage could not.
“It’s all terribly exciting,” I said. I meant it. I wasn’t only thinking about the balance of the £250,000 fee and what it would mean for saving the estate. It was genuinely thrilling to have so much activity and energy around the old place. There hadn’t been much of that around Buckford lately. Not since the accident and the terrible months that followed.
Indira smiled. “Good. Is the house ready?”
“Absolutely.” Instinctively, I turned to stare back at the crumbling family pile, which was looking glorious in the spring sunshine. “We’ve moved all the important artefacts into storage—anything fragile, irreplaceable, readily nickable, or important to the nation—as requested.” I turned back to Indira. “Including Bramley, who I’ve shipped off to the Dower House for the duration. Mother’s terribly pleased.”
Indira sucked on her cigarette, her gaze fixed on the house. “I’ll drop him five grand if he locks her inside for the duration.”
I thought it politic to pretend the woman with the big cheque hadn’t suggested imprisoning my mother and pushed on. “Your set dresser fellows have been beavering away like absolute champions these last couple of weeks. Everything looks good to go. If you need me for some reason, at any time, if there’s an emergency, I’ll be lodging up in the folly.” I pointed to the tower. “There’s no phone reception anywhere around the house, and the Wi-Fi doesn’t reach up there for some reason, but send someone up to knock on the door if you need me.”
Indira glowered. “You’re staying in the fucking house while we’re filming?”
“Well, I, um, er, Iam, actually. Is that a problem?”
“Can’t you go somewhere else?”
“Not really,” I said, trying not to sound too tentative. “You’ve booked up all the accommodation within a ten-mile radius. And if you make me move in with my mother, I’ll cancel this deal and give you your deposit back.”
It was a bald-faced lie, and on the inside I was flapping my hands and screaming in panic she would call my bluff. Indira threw her cigarette to the ground and stamped it out with the toe of her pink Adidas trainers. My fingers were itching to pick it up, but I resisted that too.
“Fine,” she said. “But if you get in my shot, or if there’s so much as a stray mouse squeakfrom your fucking Rapunzel tower—anything that ruins my footage—I’m taking you, your mother, your butler, your dog, and the emotional support duck, and I’m inserting one of you inside the other like a human turducken. Are we clear?”
I was becoming slightly obsessed with this woman. She was so completely terrifying that I didn’t dare mention that I didn’t have a dog.
“Absolutely,” I said. “There are at least a thousand books up there. You won’t hear a peep out of me. I’m planning to reread the entireKnights-Errantser?—”
“Your butler’s trying to get your attention,” Indira said, nodding.
“Oh, he’s not my butler,” I said, turning to look over my shoulder. “We don’t use that term, he’s actually the estate’s chief operating off?—”
My eyes landed on Bramley. He was stumbling across the gravel of the carriage court, completely drenched, plunger in hand.
“You’ve got to be joking.”
“I’m afraid not, my lord,” he said, pulling up beside me.
“What’s happening?” Indira asked, straight-backed and alert.
“Victorian waterworks,” I explained. “Bit temperamental.”
Indira rolled her eyes. “Get a plumber on it, pronto.”
“No need to call a plumber, I can fix it. I’ve already fixed it once.”
Indira’s eyebrows shot up. “Lord Buckford, if you’ve fixed it once and it’s still broken, you haven’t fixed it. You’ve unfucked it for five minutes. Now it’s fucked again. Need I remind you your contract says all facilities used by cast and crew must be in good working order? The crew is already here. The cast is arriving in the morning. I suggest you get a professional onto it, toot suite, or, believe me, I’ll soon wipe that posh pretty-boy smile off that ruddy-cheeked face of yours—because the cost of every delay you cause is coming off your cheque. Are we clear?”
I was a bit taken aback, to be honest. But she’d said all that without taking a breath, and smoke was billowing out of her nostrils like a dragon despite the fact she’d stubbed her cigarette out at least a full minute earlier.
“I’ll get right onto it,” I said, turning to dash towards the house. Bramley trotted along behind me, plunger aloft.
“Shall I call down to the village for the plumber, my lord?” Bramley asked, as we shuffled through the entrance hall towards the grand staircase.
