He really was not a hugger. Not like me. He’d made that comment about practising them with me, but then neither of us had spoken of it again.
I was about to pull away and apologize when two arms clamped tightly around me.
Warden Hallum was hugging me back.
He’d done so before, back when we’d first met. But this hug was night and day to that one. Our first embrace had been incredibly stiff. He’d stood there, awkward and still, like a big lump of stone.
This time, his arms felt breathlessly alive around me. His chest throbbed against mine in time with his breathing.
“OK, this is like, the best hug ever,” I said. “Have you been practising with someone else behind my back?”
“I believe I told you that I have no interest in hugging any other humans.”
“Fine. You must’ve been practicing with Xennet and Dorn, then.”
His chest shook slightly, and a huff stirred strands of my hair.
Holy fucking cannoli. Jesus fucking Christ. Did I just make Warden Hallum, King of the Stoic Tight-Asses, laugh?!
“No,” he said after a moment. “I have not been practising human hugs with Xennet and Dorn.”
“Could have fooled me.” I could hear the smile in my own voice. “Because their hugs are also top tier.”
“But not as good as this one.”
“Right.”
He didn’t seem like he was about to release me, so I let my eyes close, breathing in his scent. Basking in that intense, physical warmth that had always seemed like such a contrast to his cool composure.
It felt good. Too good.
So good that I forced myself to make some shaky excuse about getting ready so that I could pull away from him. He let his arms drop at once, but not before a quick contraction in his biceps. Like, just for the tiniest of seconds, his body was rebelling against what his brain was telling it to do.
Or maybe I was just delusional. Trying to trick my brain into believing that he might actually…
Return my feelings.
Feelings which included what was turning out to be the biggest, most inconvenient crush of my entire goddamn life.
I doubted Warden Hallum even did crushes. That he was capable of them. I couldn’t imagine him getting all spooled up inside the way I was right now as I entered my room and shut the door.
“Get your shit together!” I whispered, frantically fanning my face.
Fanning wasn’t enough. I gave each cheek a hard slap.
Well. That didn’t really work either. Now I was just freaking out with a stinging face
“No. I’m not freaking out,” I said aloud. Like that might make it true. But then I remembered that fantabulous Zabrian hearing, and I lowered my voice further. “I am just experiencing a minor attraction to somebody. That’s it.”
Minor. Yeah. I could handle that.
It didn’t matter that we were living together, our bodies in such close proximity that I sometimes felt like I might internally combust. And that the only way to stop that combustion was for him to take his pants off.
Soon enough, I wouldn’t even have to be his roommate anymore. The snow would melt. The hospital would be finished. And I’d hopefully get to regain a tiny little slice of my sanity.
That should have been a relief. But it wasn’t. Thinking about the hospital’s completion and my subsequent moving out left me a bit like a deflated balloon. Maybe a deflated balloon animal with a sad and droopy face for extra pathetic points.
Lordy.
