“Darling,” he whispers as he squeezes me tighter to him, but I cut him off and cry quietly, “I left her. I didn’t explain why I had to leave. I ran without looking back. I didn't contact her for six years. I don’t want it, I want her…”
Uncle Charms holds me even tighter, and my tears fall as I look over to Logan, his back to me, the lion on his cut proudly glaring at my family sitting behind him, reminding them who he is.
He probably hates me, and I wouldn’t blame him.
“He hasn’t stopped looking for you, Jas,” Uncle Charms murmurs, seeing where my focus has gone, and my bottom lip wobbles.
“He needs to move on,” I admit, and he squeezes me, making me look at him through my blurry eyes as tears trail my cheeks and he furrows his brows.
“You’ve found someone?” he accuses but I shake my head instantly, making him relax. “Okay, good, because that man isn’t moving on. Don’t get me wrong, sweetheart, he is pissed, but he still loves you, he’s still hung onto the future you two planned, heck, he still has all your belongings in his home.”
More tears fall as I look towards Logan again, my uncle’s words hard to believe, and I swallow hard as the man I could never get over twists his head, looking at all the people, like he can feel my eyes on him. Before his eyes can connect with mine, I quickly move down in the pew, and Uncle Charms sighs with disappointment before muttering, “He’s turned back around.”
I sit up and swallow hard, seeing that his attention is indeed back on the priest, his shoulders slumped.
“You sure you haven’t found someone else?” Uncle Charms asks with a hint of disappointment, but I shake my head, denying him again.
At work, several clients have tried to hit on me, and every time I tell them I have a daughter and a man, that I’m taken, even though I’m not.
I left Logan, if he moves on then it’ll be what I deserve as far as I’m concerned and even though it kills me, even though I feel like I’m suffocating, I won’t fight for him, for us. I’m protecting him and our daughter because for six years, I have known my mother meant her threat, I grew up with her, I felt her anger.
God, she tried to kill my daughter and his mother just put the nail in the coffin so to speak.
“There will never be anyone else,” I choke as the priest leads a prayer, and I grip my uncle's hand tighter as Cyndi Lauper, ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’, blares from the speakers while Granny’s casket is moved back into the burner, and I choke on a sob watching her disappear from my life forever.
“Come on, darling,” Uncle Charms croaks as he gently pulls me to the end of the pew, and I follow, knowing everyone will leave in a moment.
I take one last look at Logan, seeing his head down and Brady’s hand on his shoulder, which, well, it’s weird and it confuses me but instead of looking more into it, I leave knowing I won’t see him again.
***
“What caused you to run, Jasmine?” my uncle demands after five minutes of silence while he walks me to my car, and I swallow hard as I wipe my tears away. “And don’t try lying to me. I know you, I know how much that boy meant to you, so what on earth happened to make you want to run the way you did?”
“Mama threatened his life,” I admit as we stop next to my car and I look at him, his mouth parted in shock. “And his mama threatened my life if I didn’t leave town throwing a duffel bag of cash at my feet which I donated after explaining her son had a girl in waiting,” I finish.
“You should have told him,” he snaps, anger suddenly overtaking his features, and I shake my head and remind him, “She’s his mama, and we both know my mama would have gone through with her threat not caring that he is club. I did what was right for me, for him…”
I stop talking before I mention Aisling.
I know he’ll force me to speak to Logan if I bring our daughter into it, and don’t get me wrong, he would protect her with his life but I… she’s his mama. She said she would have killed my baby if it had survived my attack not realizing it had, then there’s my own mama.
“He’s hurting Jas,” Uncle Charms growls, and I snap back, “And what? I’m not? I’ve torn my heart out to keep him safe, to keep his club safe!”
I take a step back and shake my head, and I whisper, “I’ve been so goddamn lonely without him, I’ve felt cold.” I lock eyes with my uncle and I confess, “I’m hurting too and I will forever love Logan, forever hold him in my heart that he will always hold and I will forever regret leaving the way I did. But this is for the best because Mama, she isn’t the nicest person, she isn’t the woman you thought she was. She’s nasty, mean and dangerousand I know first-hand how she can combine all those traits together,” I sniffle, “She’s done things you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend, things I’ve kept to myself and no, I don’t want you telling Logan about any of this, or about me being here. Let him believe I was selfish, let him believe Granny didn’t mean anything to me because he needs to move on, he has to, even if I can’t.”
Wiping away the tears, I press up on my tiptoes and kiss my uncle's cheek as his tears fall before I climb into my car without looking at him again.
I know I sound like a martyr, I know I should at least tell Logan why I ran away, but then he’ll try and fight my family, bringing hell on his brothers, and he’ll fall out with his mother, and their relationship will suffer.
The cons outweigh the pros in this situation, and as I said to my uncle, I will always love him. I will never fall for someone else, heck, I didn’t even believe in love until him. But this is for the best, even if it hurts, even if I cry myself to sleep every night and have to be a single mama.
It’s for the best and I’ll keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face.
***
I walk into the motel room an hour later, wiping my face as exhaustion pulls me, my heart cracking with each step I take.
Coming back here, it’s brought everything back and breathing is becoming difficult, the urge to run after Logan and telling him everything, being selfish is tearing me apart.
