"Because I was afraid. Afraid you'd look at me exactly the way you're looking at me right now."
The honesty of it cut deeper than anything else he'd said.
"I can't do this." I wrapped my arms around myself, holding the pieces together. "I can't stand here and try to figure out what's real and what's obligation. I can't look at you without wondering if you'd even be here if Mateo hadn't asked."
"I would. Lucy, I swear?—"
"I have to go," I decided. "I need time. I need to think. And I can't do that here, looking at you."
I walked away before he could say anything else. Before I could change my mind. Before the part of me that still wanted him could win out over the part that felt shattered.
Owen was in the bay, Gabrielle still cradled against his chest. He took one look at my face and didn't ask questions—just handed her over, his eyes full of something I couldn't bear to see. Pity, maybe. Or understanding. I didn't know which was worse.
I strapped Gabrielle into her carrier with shaking hands, not looking at anyone, feeling the weight of the whole crew's eyes on my back as I pushed through the bay doors and into the parking lot.
I called Joanna from the car.
My hands were shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone. Gabrielle was crying in the back seat, picking up on my distress; my own tears in the front seat fueled the panic, and her wails filled the small space until I could hardly think.
"Lucy?" Joanna's voice, warm and worried. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"Can I stay with you?" The words came out broken, barely intelligible. "Please. I need—I can't go home. Can I stay with you?"
"Of course you can. Of course. Come right now. I'll put the kettle on."
She didn't ask why. Didn't ask what had happened, who had hurt me, or why I was crying so hard. She just said yes, the way she always did, the way my mother would have.
I drove to her house on autopilot. Pulled into her driveway. Sat there for a long moment, staring at nothing. My mind was running fast through the words I'd heard, trying to make sense of the wreckage.
Cal didn't follow me. Maybe he just wanted to give me space.
I watched the rearview mirror the whole way, half expecting to see his truck behind me, hoping for it, half needing time to think. But the road stayed empty. I felt abandoned, realizing that he had truly let me go.
That was the answer, wasn't it? If he really loved me, he would have followed. He would have fought. He would have done something other than stand there and let me walk away.
But he didn't. Because I was right. Because some part of him knew I was right.
I was just a promise he'd been trying to keep. And promises weren't the same as love.
Joanna opened her door and pulled me inside, took the baby from my arms, and held me while I fell apart.
Because that's what mothers do. And mine was gone, and so was the man I thought I was falling for.
Turns out, you can lose someone without them dying. You just have to learn that they were never really yours.
CHAPTER 17
Lucy
Three daysat Joanna's house, and I was existing in fragments. Following a routine that felt almost programmed: Wake up. Feed Gabrielle. Change Gabrielle. Hold Gabrielle while she slept, her small weight the only thing anchoring me to the present. Watch the hours blur past. Try not to think about Cal. Fail. Try again.
Joanna's guest room was small and warm, filled with quilts her grandmother had made and photos of her grown children on the walls. It should have felt comforting. Instead, it felt like hiding. Like I was sixteen again, or like I was running from Evan. Those moments where I waited for the world to stop being dangerous.
Gabrielle, innocent like the baby she was, didn't know anything was wrong. She kept her life the way it always was: She ate when she was hungry, slept when she was tired, smiled her gummy smile when I made faces at her. Her world was simple: warmth,milk, the sound of my voice. I envied her. Part of me wished I could see the world that way. Small and safe.
My phone sat on the nightstand, screen down. I thought Cal had texted three times. Part of me felt like he didn't want to let me go; another part thought he was doing it out of pure protocol.
Despite everything, I hadn't read any of them.
