“How do I shut off my brain?” I whisper. “It won't stop. Every time I close my eyes, it just starts again.”
He slides his hand up to the base of my skull as he says, “There are ways. You could give someone else control for a while. Let your body take over, and your head gets quiet.” His hand stills. “But only if you want it. And only if you trust me.”
The words land deep in my chest.
“I trust you.”
“That's not the same as saying yes.”
“Yes.” I pull my hands from my eyes and look at him. “Yes, I want that.”
His body goes rigid as he cocks his head to the side. “Are you certain, golubka?”
I take a deep breath, gathering the courage to be as honest as I’ve ever been.
“Pyotr.” I keep my eyes on his as my hand finds his belt. “Tonight… I don’t want careful. I don’t want gentle.”
He catches my wrist and sucks in a breath. His voice drops low enough to vibrate through my knees. “Then tell me what you want.”
My pulse hammers so hard I feel it in my throat. “I want you to be harder with me.”
“Say what you mean, Daria. Say it.”
I draw my bottom lip between my teeth before I respond, “I want you to spank me.”
He doesn’t move. For three full seconds, the only sound is my breathing.
“Why?”
“Because it quiets my head.” I swallow against the knot in my throat. “I need it given, not taken, from someone I trust.”
He releases me and drags his thumb in a single line down the inside of my forearm, following the vein. Then he stands, towering over me, and offers his hand.
I take it. He pulls me to my feet like I weigh nothing.
“Stop means stop,” he reminds me as he steers me toward the bedroom with one hand on the small of my back. “You say that word, and everything stops. No questions or negotiations.”
“I remember.”
“I need you to say it back.”
“Stop means stop.”
He closes the bedroom door behind us and turns me around to face him. Then, he cups my jaw with one palm and runs histhumb across my bottom lip, and I feel the roughness of every callus.
“I have conditions,” he tells me. “You count out loud. Every single slap, you count. Second, you keep your eyes on me. You don’t look away.”
I nod.
“Words, golubka.”
“I count out loud. I keep my eyes on you.”
He holds my gaze for one more heartbeat. Whatever he’s searching for, he seems to find it, because something releases in his shoulders. He sits on the edge of the bed and draws me forward until I’m standing between his knees.
“You don’t ever have to earn me with pain.” He says this so quietly I almost miss it. “But if this is what you want, you’ll take it the way I give it.”
“Yes.”
