“Janelle ran off.”
She’s gone.
Ruger and I spend all morning searching for her. Zayna offers to help, but Ruger doesn’t want to rule out foul play. I know there isn’t foul play. She just doesn’t want to be with me. We made love for the first time last night and it was all a fucked up ruse so Janelle could get me to lower my guard and escape. She used me. I feel like a fool.
Zayna makes us lunch and I stop long enough to eat, but I’m quiet despite their best efforts to talk to me. There’s nothing productive that I have to say. We got on our bikes to search the area, which means that if Janelle left, she must have hitchhiked. Or worse. Somebody might have seen her hitchhiking and kidnapped her.
“What was she thinking?” Zayna says, halfway through lunch. Ruger has been about as quiet as I have been, but when he looks up towards Zayna, a flicker of unmistakable tension passes through the room.
“I don’t know,” Ruger responds calmly. “Perhaps you said something to her.”
“Why are you blaming me?”
“When you leave two women together, they make trouble.”
“That is not true.”
“When I left you and Juliette alone, you made trouble. In particular, you like to run your mouth and put ideas in people’s heads because of all that education business.”
I suspect they’re going to start fighting, but I desperately want to be wrong about that. The longer they spend fighting, the less time we spend collectively figuring out how to get Janelle back. Would she have gone back to the East Coast? She might have fled to Mexico, Canada or kept going along the Route 66 highway. My kidnapping theory might be true too.
This country is so damned big that you don’t realize how easy it is to disappear until you’re missing somebody. Then the whole damn country feels like an enormous whale belly that could spit Janelle up anywhere. Zayna’s fork slams down on her plate, so my argument forecast hovers close to the truth.
“Enough with the sexist commentary, Ruger.”
“It’s not sexist if I’m telling you the truth. You spoke to her and then she ran off.”
“Maybe something else happened,” Zayna says, doing what makes the most sense in her situation to take the heat off of her. Ruger’s attention comes my way and I can feel his eyes searing into me. It’s like getting in trouble for losing my virginity all over again. Dad was all pissed off that I was screwing around with a woman twice my age and Ruger’s pointed stare brings back that old wave of guilt.
I slept with her and then she ran. That’s what happened.
“Did you kill her?” Ruger asks. “Is this some ruse because you wanted her dead or something?”
“I spent all fucking morning looking for her,” I snarl at him. “Don’t you dare suggest something like that ever again, you fucking bastard.”
“Okay,” Ruger says, trying to calm me down with a stern, almost fatherly look, but there’s nothing that could get me calm aside from seeing Janelle’s face. Ruger wants to break down my walls and investigate the Janelle situation. I don’t know how to explain it to him or what to explain. I wait for him to say something and our eyes stay locked at a deadly impasse until Zayna sighs with frustration. Ruger finally speaks.
“When we bring her back, I need to know you take this seriously.”
“Take what seriously? I’m not neglecting our business at all.”
“Never mind,” Ruger says. “Let’s just find her.”
I don’t know where to start or where she could have gone, but I just know that I can’t leave Janelle out in the big wide world alone. I can’t trust that she’ll be okay just because she left me. Too much has happened to us on this ride West and I won’t be able to sleep knowing I put her in harm’s way. From the first time I laid eyes on Janelle, I felt thisurgeto protect her that was almost fatherly.
I’ve never felt like this before and I can’t let go of this feeling.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Janelle
Idon’t have anything that I need on me. Rana tells me that she’ll drive out to this small town, just fifteen miles from where I escaped, and then we’ll drive back to Boston together. She doesn’t ask any questions that I seem reluctant to answer. I’m lucky to have a friend like her, but I feel guilty, especially since I haven’t worked for a while and Zeb was covering all my expenses, which he will most likely withdraw immediately once he finds out I ran away.
After fifteen hours in this motel that Rana paid for over the phone, I feel deeply mournful of Zeb and the night we had together. I had to leave him. It’s the right thing to do. Women my age can’t just follow our feelings and chase murderous bikers across the country. Once Rana and I get back to Boston, I’ll do everything in my power to get into another LPN-to-RN program and work off my debts.
This was the wake up call that I needed. It’s not Zeb’s fault. He was never cruel to me. I can see how badly he wanted to protect me. I’m just not cut out for his lifestyle. And the kind of darkness Zayna told me about chilled me to my core. I know he wants me to be at his side, but Ican’t be that girl.
Or maybe I’m just too much of a coward.
