‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘I’ve tried to find her. I’ve written to the army posted in Bremen and the Red Cross working there. I’ve even thought about going back and looking for her, but I eventually found out that her address no longer exists...’
‘And what if you did find her?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe it is best not to look for her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because what would you say? “Hello, Elsa. I just wanted to find out if you are still alive. Ah! Excellent! I can see you are. Right, I’m off now. Goodbye and good luck.”’ Ben raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Look, Sam, things are still difficult in Germany. It will be years before they recover. She’s scrabbling around trying to survive and you’d be turning up at her door with the only aim to resolve your guilt and curiosity.’
‘I promised her I would try to find her again. I want to know that she is all right.’
‘A letter would achieve that.’
‘I’ve written countless letters and still don’t know how she is. I should never have left them. We could see Bremen had been bombed.’
Ben sat forward. ‘What could you have done? If you’d stayed behind enemy lines you’d have been shot. It’s a miracle you survived at all. If she was a good woman, which by your own account she was, then she would have been glad you were behind the Allies’ front line and no longer in enemy territory.’ They heard Helene descending the stairs. ‘You have to stop beating yourself up about it. Or do something about it.’
‘Maybe I don’t want to just find out if she is okay.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘What was it like for Helene?’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘To leave Germany and live in England?’
‘Are you serious? Are you thinking of asking this woman to marry you and bringing her to England?’
‘You did.’
‘But that was different. I got to know Helene during peacetime and we saw each other often before we married. You met Elsa during the war when everything was so much more—’
‘Intense? Dangerous? You don’t think my feelings are genuine?’
‘Yes. No.’ Ben rubbed his head as if to clear his thoughts. ‘I don’t know. Who am I to judge? We are at peace now.’
‘If she survived . . . If she hasn’t married . . . If we find we still have feelings for each other . . .’
‘That’s a lot of ifs,’ Ben argued.
‘You said you’ve not regretted marrying a German.’
Ben scratched the back of his neck. ‘Well... I say a lot of things that get me into trouble. Just ask Helene.’
They sat back as Helene opened the door and popped her head through the crack. ‘He wants you to read him a story.’
Ben stood as Helene retreated to the kitchen. ‘I have to go.’ He paused at the door and stared at his hand lingering on the door handle. ‘I’m just afraid it won’t be good news for you, Sam. If she rejects you or if you find that she’s died... well, either could break a man.’
‘I’m already broken, Ben. I have to find her and know what happened to her and Klara. And if I find them, I want to be able to offer Elsa more than a simple hello. But I’m not a fool. If she feels the same way as me and agrees, she will have to make sacrifices that might cause her a lot of pain and hurt. Seeing her live a life that she might discover she does not really want would destroy me.’
‘You have thought a lot about this.’
‘I think of little else.’
