‘I couldn’t hide from them in that truck, Elsa. If I’d made one mistake—?’
‘Stop it! I don’t want to think about it.’
‘That is the problem right there! You didn’t think about it. You just hoped it wouldn’t happen.’
‘When he suggested it, he was being helpful and kind. He reminded me of Otto and his offer felt genuine. It turned out I was right. No harm came from it.’
Sam opened his arms to the sky as if talking to God above. ‘And that is my point!’ He turned to her. ‘Even now, you don’t realize the danger I was in. If that “kind” soldier was Otto, Otto would have happily picked up his gun and shot me too. When you are a soldier you do terrible things, Elsa. It turns nice people into killers. That is what war is.’
‘What do you want from me, Sam? What do you want me to say? I’ve said I’m sorry.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’ He kicked a stone on the ground. ‘I really don’t know how I feel about all of this.’
‘I don’t either.’
He looked at her, surprised. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Her eyes dropped to his lips. Their night together seemed like a distant, sweet dream they had not shared. She turned away and stared at the ground. For the first time she noticed the rumble of military vehicles had finally stopped.
‘I don’t know what I want,’ she whispered. ‘I thought I did, but I don’t.’
‘What does that mean?’ He caught her shoulders so she had to face him. ‘Do you want to travel to Bremen alone?’
‘I don’t know!’ She shrugged his hands off so she could think... and breathe. She inhaled deeply. ‘Those men... they were just like Otto. I don’t know what to think any more.’
‘Perhaps there are times to not think too much.’
‘If they had called me a traitor... if they had beaten or killed you... then I would have a reason to hate them. But they were nice to us at the house. Soldiers like Gerhard were my neighbours. They were the sons of my neighbours. My brother and father have experienced what they have. They are not faceless people to me, Sam. When I look at them they havethe faces and hearts of people I know. And I found myself sitting with them knowing I was betraying them.’
‘And this is what you feel?’
‘It is one part of what I feel.’ She stepped away from him.
‘And the other part?’
‘Is the opposite. I resent them for wanting to hurt you and I shouldn’t feel like that because I know that if they were British soldiers and you were German, they would have shot you too. And why should that be any better?’
When Sam didn’t reply, she answered for him. ‘It isn’t. The right thing to do is for me to be on the side of my own people, but when I am, I feel wrong. I feel wrong whatever I do.’
Sam frowned as her words sunk in. ‘I thought it didn’t matter touswhat side we are on.’
‘I thought it didn’t matter either. But you have made it clear that it does.’
A muscle worked in Sam’s jaw. He repositioned his rucksack over his shoulder. ‘You can leave me anytime, Elsa. We are not tied together.’
‘Aren’t we? It feels like it.’
‘No, we are not. In fact, you may travel quicker without me. You could catch a train.’
‘I have no money. Besides, many of the tracks have been blown up.’
‘Get a lift. You will no longer be saddled with your deaf and dumb brother.’
‘Saddled? I don’t understand.’
‘You will no longer be a traitor if you continue your journey without me. In fact, I can travel faster without you too. I can sleep under any hedge when I’m alone, but with you and Klara I have to find shelter. I won’t have to worry about either of you any more.’
She stepped in front of him and pushed hard on his chest. ‘Don’t talk like that. Stop it! Stop it!’
