“I can affirm that in my own family. My father often said to never admit defeat, nor to being wrong. It makes a man look weak, and to his way of thinking, that was the worst possible offense a man could make.”
“It’s not easy to accept one’s flaws and mistakes.” Emma shrugged. “But after all I’ve been through these last few weeks, it’s even harder to face the future based on my skills and abilities alone. I truly have nothing of myself to recommend to anyone.”
“You do yourself an injustice.” Colton eyed her quite seriously. “You’ve touched our family in a most special way. The things you’ve accomplished with Rose alone commend you to all.”
Tears came to Emma’s eyes. “I love Rosie. I loved Tommy too. But now I know that I didn’t love him as a wife should love a husband.”
“How do you know that?”
“Even as we made our vows, I can’t say I wholly believed them or meant to keep them. I know that sounds terrible, and it is. But I wasn’t sure that I would remain for better or worse. I wanted a good life—a good time. Tommy did too. We scoffed at tradition and all that came with it.”
“Yet you wanted to marry. And as I recall, you told me you were the one to restrict your arrangement with Tommy unless there was a marriage.”
She nodded as a single tear fell. “I did make that demand, more out of fear of what might happen if we didn’t. I didn’t want to find myself in Stella’s position.”
“And you honestly thought Tommy would do that to you?”
“I didn’t know.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Stella proves that possibility.”
Colton handed her his handkerchief. “I don’t think Tommy would have ever done that to you. His relationship with you was far more serious. I’d never seen him even consider marriage before you. As much as it was understood by him, he loved you.”
“I know in his way he loved me. Just as I loved him in my own way. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t right, and I keep thinking that everything happened as punishment for mocking God. I was a wretch of a person.”
“But now you’re not?” he asked with a grin.
“Now I’m forgiven, and while I have a lot to make up for, I’m ashamed of the way I acted. Tommy and I had nobusiness getting married. It was purely driven by ... well, I hope you won’t find this offensive, but by Tommy’s physical desire.”
Colton knew his own feelings for Emma. He thought of her constantly, even dreamed of her. He could well imagine his brother feeling the same way. But Emma apparently didn’t return the feelings.
“That’s what I mean by not loving him the way I should have. I didn’t return the passion he felt. I’m surprised to admit this to you of all people, but I just wanted to travel and see the world, and Tommy promised we could do it together. We both agreed that we should be married to do such a thing. We didn’t want to hurt our families or even ruin our own reputations beyond what we’d already done.”
“I never thought of either of you as having a ruined reputation.”
“Perhaps not, but we walked very close to the edge of that. Yet another thing that I’m sorry for.” Emma shook her head. “Tommy only wanted to please me. He told me he couldn’t see himself marrying anyone else, so we might as well do the deed.” She sniffed back tears and laughed. “Those were his exact words. And being the person I was then, I didn’t care. I didn’t believe in forever.”
“And now?”
“Now, forever is all too real. I know there is more than just this life, Colton. I’ve no doubt whatsoever. Lying there with that bullet wound, I was terrified of death because everything I’d ever been taught came back to me.”
“But there are a great many religions and mythologies, Emma. How can you be sure that Christianity points the only way to the only God?”
She frowned and considered his question. “I suppose I must take it on faith. People I love and admire have told me it’s true and pointed me to the Bible as truth. I have only twochoices. I can either accept it as true or regard it as a lie. I choose to accept it as true and do so through faith, which, as I recall from Ephesians chapter two, is not of myself. The grace and faith given of God is a gift—a gift I refused for a great many years.”
“But now you want it?”
She nodded. “Most assuredly. I’m still quite uncertain as to how it will present itself in my life, but I know I felt immediate comfort when I sought God’s forgiveness.”
Colton couldn’t imagine the comfort of which she spoke. He had sought comfort his entire life and was never able to find it. His father assured him it came through hard work and achievement, but then his father associated comfort with accomplishment. He had no use for religion or matters of the spirit. Colton’s mother had, however. He could still remember some of her comments to him. Fleeting memories of how much each person needed God. How the human soul craved God’s companionship because it had been God who had breathed life into man in the first place. That encounter left mankind always longing for more. Colton had often wondered if she was right.
“We’ll leave for church around ten in the morning. We plan to walk because it’s not all that far. You’re quite welcome to join us.” She withdrew a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her eyes.
“Well, that does bring up another thought.” Colton didn’t want to commit himself to services. “You and Rosie will need to have access to a carriage. I’m certain there are places that you would prefer to drive.”
“We can just rent a carriage and horse from the livery when that’s needed. I have no place to keep an animal, nor anyone to care for him. I could take care of the chores myself but for now would prefer not to have that responsibility.”
“You need to hire an entire staff,” he reminded.
She looked dubious. “I don’t know that I want to hire a bunch of people to intrude on my privacy, or on Rosie’s.”
