“Do you plan to wear black for a full year? I mean ... well,I don’t discredit the fact that you were legally wed, but it seems a bit much to—”
Emma waved off the comment. “I don’t know yet what I plan. Tommy wouldn’t have wanted me to wear black for even a week, but it suits my mood right now and makes my status clear to anyone who sees me.”
The footman arrived with the tea cart and wheeled it near Emma. “We’ll serve ourselves, thank you.” She waited until he was gone, then turned back to Clara. “To answer your concerns about my eating, I’m doing just fine. I even occasionally raid the icebox in the middle of the night.”
Clara got to her feet before Emma could stand. “I’ll serve us. Tell me why you asked me here today.” She held up a small plate and gave a nod to the tray.
“Tea with cream and one of the little sandwiches would be fine for now.” Emma wasn’t hungry, but given her sister’s worries, she wanted to prove she was eating.
Clara put it together and handed Emma the tea first and then the sandwich plate. She chose for herself, then reclaimed her seat.
Emma sipped her tea and then set it aside. “I’m moving back to Cheyenne. I’ve made up my mind that I need to do this. I want to put the past behind me, but I feel like there’s much in Cheyenne that I need to tend to. Pardons to be asked, forgiveness sought.”
“And just how will you do that?”
Shaking her head slowly, Emma contemplated the question. “I’ve asked myself that over and over. I suppose to those I’ve wronged, I could apologize and ask if there’s something I could do to show my regret.”
“But some things can’t be bought and paid for.” Clara picked up her tea. “You can’t pay to mend someone’s broken heart or wounded feelings.”
Memories of the various young men Emma had courtedcame to mind. “Who’s to say how such a thing might go? All I can do is apologize and ask forgiveness. If they don’t give it—and I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t—then I have to accept that.”
“I suppose there’s little else to be done,” Clara admitted.
“I want to start with my family. I spoke to Papa before he left, and of course he said I owed him no apology and that no forgiveness was due because he held nothing against me. I can’t very well seek it from Mama, except I did ask God to tell her how sorry I am. I don’t know if heaven works that way, but God knows my heart. I want more than anything for her to know that I’ve made a change to my life.
“As for other people, honestly, I’m not sure of what to say or, in some cases, of any particular wrong to point out. I do want to seek your forgiveness, however.”
“Mine?” Clara looked at Emma for a few moments. “I can’t think of thing that I need to forgive. I used to worry about you something fierce, I suppose. You did upset me on several occasions, but usually that was experienced secondhand. Mama would write letters and ask me to pray for you. She’d never say exactly what trouble you were up to, but she asked me to pray.”
“And did you?”
Clara laughed. “All the time. For you and James. You were both such ambitious souls. Always going your own way and doing things that were considered unacceptable. To tell you the truth, there was a part of me that envied your ability to throw caution to the wind and dare to do things that were dangerous. I remember that time when you stood on the back of your horse at a full gallop. My heart nearly stopped. I know Mama felt faint.”
“I was ten, and I remember it well. There was something inside me that was willing to risk life and limb. But not anymore.”
“You came too close to death.”
Emma sipped her tea. She had seen death up close, and it was too intimidating. She didn’t care to see it again. At least not in that horrible state of being alone. Of hearing the loud beat of your own heart and wondering if it might stop at any given moment.
“A lot of the things you did were just antics based on a desire to feel that sense of elation and excitement that you craved.” Clara shook her head. “I never longed for that. I liked things safe and simple. David takes enough risks for us both. But I don’t feel you owe me an apology for anything.”
“There were so many times that I worried you. You’re ten years older than me, and I know people said things. I overheard a good many of those conversations. People were only too happy to point out my failings, be they teachers at school, store clerks, or church folk. I wasn’t polite enough. I spoke my mind too often. I didn’t come home when I should have. I didn’t abide by our parents’ rules. Just as I ignored God’s rules for most of my life.”
“Worse still, you ignored His love.”
Clara’s matter-of-fact statement caused Emma’s breath to catch. That was it. She had chosen to live like the prodigal son and in doing so had missed out on the love that her heavenly Father offered. She’d cast off His love, His security, and His protection.
“Well, things are changing now. I still don’t know exactly what it all means or how I will live, but I have sought God’s forgiveness.”
“That’s a wonderful place to start. Now you need to know Him for yourself. You knew Him through Mother and Father, since children learn that way. But you need your own relationship with Jesus—something that will get you through the truly bad times with comfort and the good times with great joy.”
“I suppose that makes sense.” Emma put her cup down and wiped her hands on a linen napkin. “Look, I want you to know that while you might not think I owe you an apology or anything else, I appreciate that you took me in when Mama was at her wit’s end with me.”
“I needed you. With all the work on the ranch and the kids so little and needy, you gave me a great deal of relief. Then there were all those times I miscarried, and you were there for me, nursing me through and comforting me. I doubt I’d still be alive had you not been with me these last nine years.”
“I could have done so much more. My mind was always on doing just enough so that I could head to town and meet up with my friends and have a good time. Going around unescorted. I hate to think of the ruckus I might have raised had I been a boy instead of a girl.” Emma smiled and shook her head. “I hope Rachel and Leah never give you the kind of trouble I gave everyone.”
“My daughters will no doubt try my patience, but, Emma, I can assure you that no matter what they do, I will always love them. Just as Mama loved you.”
