But eager for a living water that would always satisfy her.
“Jesus, I don’t know how to have You as living water, but...” She sniffed, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief. “Help me. I think I want to know You again. But I’m afraid.Afraid what I might have to give up. Afraid ... I’ve run too far. Afraid You won’t take me back.”
What was she saying? How could she be scared of running too far when she’d all but given up her belief in God? She chewed her lip and reread verse twenty-nine:Come, see a man, which told me all the things I ever did: is thisnot the Christ?
Jesus knew that woman had previously had five husbands, yet He ministered to her. He seemed to want her to worship Him. And though she should have been ashamed that Jesus knew her secrets, she wasn’t. She just ran and proclaimed to the whole town that Jesus was the Christ.
Ellie shook her head. She wasn’tquiteready for that. But she admired the woman’s passion.
Paging through the Scriptures, Ellie saw snatches of Jesus healing the blind and having compassion on those who were hungry. He helped a lame man walk and called Himself the Good Shepherd. These stories were familiar, as though they’d been sitting on the edge of her memory just waiting for her. Like puzzle pieces that didn’t yet fit together to make a whole picture ... but she knew they would.
She turned the page and scanned John 11.
Her heart stopped.
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
If He could do that for Lazarus, then why not for Ma—
Ellie closed her eyes. No. She wasn’t going back to those old feelings and hurts. With a steadying breath, she pressed on. Martha’s questions about Jesus’ absence and Mary’s tears of grief resonated deep within her. But then she read two words that turned her whole world upside down.
Jesus wept.
Ellie blinked and read the verse again. Jesus wept. He stood at the tomb of His friend, and He cried. She ran her finger across those words, a warmth spreading through her. The tears she’d been holding back began falling down her face.
Jesus understood! He knew what it was to feel grief. And loss. And that meant ...
He could handle her questions about why Mother had died and the confusion and anger she’d felt for so long. Just like He talked to Martha and Mary. He heard their questions and assured them with a truth that could not be denied.
Ellie sucked in a breath as she wept. The words blurred on the page. She pressed a handkerchief to her eyes and kept reading.
Could not this man, which opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even thisman should not have died?The question froze her. It was so similar to the question she had asked. Why hadn’t God saved Mother? Helped her in her darkest time of pain and suffering? Why did Mother cling to Jesus with such unyielding faith when she could scarcely breathe?
Ellie didn’t understand everything. But as she read these verses, the love of Jesus poured off the page. He’d loved Lazarus, Mary, and Martha. He’d loved her mother, who wasn’t suffering anymore. According to what Jesus told Martha, Mother was more alive now than she’d ever been on earth. The thought settled in her heart, wrapping around her like a soft blanket.
And ... Jesus understood her grief. The Son of God, who could raise someone from the dead, understood her loss.
She pressed on in her reading, her heart leaping with joywhen Jesus commanded Lazarus to come forth. She could only imagine the looks on Mary’s and Martha’s faces, on the faces of the people with them who had been mourning. She could see Lazarus coming from the tomb. Hear the voice of Jesus commanding the things that bound him to loose him and let him go.
As Ellie read what had happened for Lazarus, her bondage started to slip away. Her heart seemed to break and heal all at once. Peace flowed through her, filling all the cracks of hurt and confusion, restlessness and anger. She clutched the Bible to her chest, a smile breaking across her face.
Jesus.
He was the resurrection and the life!
Life.
That was how she felt right now. Like she had come to life again. More than that, Eleanor could feel the love of Jesus forher. The thought overwhelmed her and settled her at the same time.
“Lord, I’m so sorry for running. For being so angry.” She wiped at her face with her free hand. “I remember Marvella telling me that I had to turn to You and repent for my sins and give my life to You.” She choked back her tears. “I repent, Lord. My life is Yours, Jesus.”
MONDAY, JULY4, 1904
Ellie didn’t know when she’d finally drifted off to sleep, but when she awoke, the sun was already up, and she could hear Marvella shouting instructions to her servants. Ellie shifted and paused. Why were her arms so heavy? Ellieglanced down and a smile burst across her lips. Her arms were still wrapped around the Bible.
Father. She couldn’t wait to talk with him.
They had grown so close over the years since Mother died. Would he be offended that she’d turned back to God? She didn’t want to alienate him. He was all the family she had left. Surely he would understand and see the change in her and be happy for her.
