The transaction took less than two minutes, and she was off again, pedaling with all her might toward the Ashburys’ house. But exhaustion soon took over. She got off her bicycle and walked the last few blocks.
Her heart was a rock in her chest. Hard. Lifeless. And thevoid inside of her was growing. The more she fought against yielding her heart to God, the worse the void seemed to get. But honestly, why would God even want her heart back? If she wasn’t worthy of Carter’s love, she’d hardly be worthy of God’s. She hadn’t done anything at all to please Him. Despite what her mother said about not being able to earn God’s love, there had to be something she needed to do to gain His acceptance.
She slowed her pace, not ready to reach the house. The last thing she wanted was to have to face Marvella with her joyful spirit and wisdom. The woman seemed to know all about the void in Eleanor. And yet, she didn’t make Eleanor feel bad about her state before the Lord. She just asked probing questions that were like a mirror into Eleanor’s soul.
That was almost worse.
Eleanor could hardly stand the thought.
What would she see there? Certainly nothing of value.
Not to Carter.
Not to God.
17
SUNDAY, JULY3, 1904
Eleanor accompanied Marvella and the Judge to church on Sunday. Word had come via a railroad worker that her father and Mr. Grinnell wouldn’t make it back until Monday morning on the Fourth of July. They’d be there just in time for the celebration, and with them would be Louis Hill. Mr. Hill had intended to come in prior to that, but when he learned that Grinnell and Briggs were studying the eastern parts of the planned park, he stopped to join them.
The Judge said it was of little relevance for Louis Hill to come back to Kalispell. But then word had been sent that Hill wanted to talk to the people about how often the trainwouldcome to Kalispell. Which had given many hope.
Others thought it was all a ruse.
More than one argument had started over the tension. And until things were certain, disagreements were bound to increase. Which could lead to violence.
Something Eleanor had no desire to witness.
She followed the Ashburys to the same pew they sat in every Sunday, and Marvella handed her a hymnal. In a few moments, they were all on their feet singing songs Eleanor didn’t really know. She sang along as best she could, but her mind remained on her own misery.
What should she do? She wanted to speak to her father about her feelings. She wanted to ask him about his beliefs. And maybe share how she was struggling with faith and God.
After singing, prayers were offered, and then the pastor took the pulpit. He welcomed the congregation, offered a prayer of thanksgiving for the day the Lord had given, and launched into his sermon.
“Nothing in this world happens by chance.”
What? Eleanor stared at the man. How could he say such a thing? Nothing?
“Throughout God’s Word we can see where everything He created was made with a purpose and order. He didn’t create the plants and vegetation until the sun was in place. He didn’t create fish before there was water to put them in. He had a specific plan. He created man fully formed and ready to work, but not before He had a garden to tend.
“God didn’t send His prophets willy-nilly into the world. He knew where He needed each one. Knew what they would say and do and who would answer His call. He knew when He sent His precious son Jesus to the earth that there would be many who would reject him ... kill him. And still God made His plans. He did nothing by chance.”
Well, that seemed true. Despite her confusion and feelings about God, she had never been able to make sense of the idea oforder out of chaoswithout a Creator working to put it all into place.
“God is a God of order. He formed the earth and all that is in it, knowing exactly how it would all fit together. God is in the details of His creation. He knows each mountain and lake ... each person. God told Jeremiah, ‘Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;’ and in Matthew 10, Jesus tells us that the very hairs on our head are numbered.” The balding pastor paused and chuckled. “Although my count changes daily.” The congregation joined him in laughter.
“Nothing happens by chance. There is order. God’s perfect order. We don’t always understand it or comprehend the reasonings behind it, but God has a plan and purpose in our lives. He has called us to order ... to peace of heart and mind.”
What would that be like? Peace not just of heart, but of mind? Was God really calling her to that? Had He known her before she was formed in her mother’s womb? Did God truly give her life with a purpose just for her?
If so, whatwasthat purpose?
Maybe that’s why she felt so lost. God ordered her world only to have her disorder it by closing herself off from Him. Mother had assured her that God knew all, including the choices each soul would make. If that were true, then He knew the choices Eleanor would make. He knew the pain and struggles she would have and the decision she made to push Him away.
No, not just that. She rejected Him.
Such a harsh word. Carter had rejected her, and it hurt. It hurt her more than she could say. She wasn’t looking for a husband, yet when Carter made it clear he wasn’t looking for a wife and that even if he were, she wouldn’tbe the one he’d choose, it devastated her. Made her feel unimportant.
