Finally, when she was certain the coffee was warm, she got up and poured him a mug. Then she took down another mug and poured one for herself. She brought the coffee to the table and reclaimed her seat.
She didn’t say a word but lifted the cup to her lips. The coffee smelled earthy and strong, just as she knew Edward preferred it. She sipped it slowly, refraining from grimacing at the bitter taste.
Edward took up his cup and held it for several long moments. When he spoke, it wasn’t at all what Marybeth had expected.
“Have you ever been angry at God?”
She nodded. “Sure. When Pa died and Pastor Orton came to take Carrie, I was plenty mad.”
He looked at her, and his expression softened. “I never thought of it ... never knew you felt that way. You said nothing. In fact, you seemed so ... sure of Him.”
Marybeth put down her coffee. “I was sure of God. I just wasn’t sure what He was up to, why He was letting things happen the way they were. I felt abandoned, and that stirred up my anger. I think that’s how I’ve always dealt with my fear. If I’m angry, I don’t feel so weak and helpless.” He said nothing, and Marybeth decided to brave a question. “Are you angry with God?”
“I am. Although maybe not so much now that I realize it. I’m troubled by it and know it’s not right. He’s a good Father, and He’s blessed me in many ways, but I just feel this hardness ... this frustration. He took Janey and the boy and left me with nothing. I never felt so alone in my life.”
“I know how that feels.” She spoke before she thought it through and wished she could take back her words.
Edward met her gaze. “I know you do, and I know that I’ve done that to you. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you for saying so. It helps that you realize what I’m feeling.”
“Maybe we should both leave this place.”
“Would that resolve the problem for you ... for us?” She tried her best to keep her words tender. “You’re angry, Edward, because you don’t want to deal with the pain. Until you are able to let go of that pain and give Janey and the boy over to God willingly, that hurt will just go on and on. It’s not enough that you love me. That won’t heal your hurt. In fact, it just complicates it, and I suppose in many ways ... makes it worse.”
Marybeth was surprised by her own words. She hadn’t fully realized it before, but now it seemed that God was helping her to see exactly what she needed to know in order to move forward.
“Cheyenne isn’t the reason for our problems. It isn’t worth the pain and the misery in my book. But a love discovered...” She reached out and touched his hand. “That’s worth everything. I’m not giving up on you ... or love.”
23
“Would you take these pieces of cake to Melody and Clancy on your way to work?” Marybeth asked.
Edward had just pulled on his coat and hat. He glanced at the covered plate. “You didn’t give them all the cake, did you?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m just sending three pieces. Since her dad got hurt, Melody’s had less time to bake, and I thought they might enjoy this.”
“They’ll enjoy it. I know I did. You’re a good cook, Marybeth.”
He had been trying to say something nice to her every day since their early morning talk. He knew she deserved more, but for now this was what he could give. He could treat her with decency and respect. He could praise her accomplishments and thank her for the way she took care of him and their household. And while he did that, he was praying and asking God to help him let go of his anger. He had sought God’s forgiveness as well. Being mad at God had isolated him in a way he hadn’t even recognized. Edward couldn’t feel at peace with anyone and be angry at God. He was glad to finally realize this.
Still, he had no idea what to do about Marybeth and his feelings for her. He didn’t truly want an annulment or separation. Could he let go of his fears and be a real husband to her? Could he trust God with their future?
He reached for the plate. “I suppose I’ll take it by,” he said, smiling. “Clancy is probably gonna love it and want more.”
“Oh, Melody is a terrific cook, as you well know. She’s quite talented and will make someone a wonderful wife one day.”
Edward nodded and opened the door. “I got to get goin’ if I’m gonna make work on time.”
It was amazing what a difference a week’s time had made. Now with it nearing the end of March, the air had warmed. The days were far more bearable, and there were even spots greening up here and there.
When he reached the little tent neighborhood, Edward immediately remembered their arrival in Cheyenne. The tent they had rented was now leased to another family, and he couldn’t help but wonder how they were managing in the tiny confines.
At the Doyle tent, Edward paused to call out. “Anyone at home?”
Melody appeared almost immediately. “I was just heading over to your place. Come in, Edward.” She pulled back the inside flap and turned to her father. “Look who’s here, Da.”
“Edward Vogel. It’s good to be seein’ ya, son. How’s the family?”
