“And you’d actually do it?” Fred chuckled. “Then my advice is go home and love your wife. You’ll be a lot happier if the two of you stop fighting your feelings and be the couple God obviously brought you together to be.”
“Fred, you aren’t hearing me.”
“I heard you loud and clear. You’re afraid.”
Edward couldn’t deny that. “I keep seein’ Janey writhing in pain. Keep hearing her cries and then the silence.”
“Losin’ a wife and son has to be the worst thing a man could go through. I’ve no doubt I’d be torn into pieces over it. Still, life is full of risk and death. You think Eve doesn’t worry every time I strap on this holster and go to work? You think she doesn’t fret over the boys and the possibility of them catching some disease that could kill them? You think I’m not worried about her givin’ birth to this next baby? But I can’t let fear take charge. Life wouldn’t be worth livin’ if I did.”
“But most of those things can’t be prevented. A man’s gotta work. Every job has its dangers. Diseases are everywhere, so a person is gonna get sick at one time or another. You can’t keep those things from happening. But I can stop Marybeth from dying in childbirth. We simply won’t have children.”
“I suppose I could quit my job. Hide my boys. Have nothing more to do with Eve. I could certainly lessen the chances of them dyin’ by taking them out of this place. But I’ve a feeling the next place would have just as many risks. Ed, we can’t keep life from happenin’, and we sure can’t stop death. But fear is somethin’ we can put an end to—if we choose to. There are an awful lot of verses in the Bible that talk about fear and bein’ afraid. I was just talking to the boys about that the other day. Psalm Fifty-Six for instance.”
Edward remembered Marybeth teaching Carrie to memorize verse three in that chapter. “‘What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.’”
Fred smiled. “Exactly. Do you remember the verse after that one?”
“No, I can’t say I do.”
They started walking again, and Fred chuckled. “Well, it fits pretty well for this situation. It says, ‘In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.’ You’re fearing what flesh can do. Try focusin’ on what God can do.”
“But God took Janey. He could have saved her.”
“He could have. No doubt about that.”
“He should have saved her and not me. I faced death and lived, but I should have died. A case of mistaken identity sent me to the hospital in Washington. If that hadn’t happened, I would have died. There was a price to pay.”
“You think Janey died because you cheated death? You think God isn’t in charge of life and death—that somehow you thwarted His plans for you, so He took your wife and son? I want you to really think about that for a minute.”
Ed knew he was right and blew out a heavy breath. “I guess it was easier to think that than believe God took Janey and the boy as a part of His plan.”
“God allows a lot that we don’t understand, and you’re still angry with Him for that. You’ve decided He’s not earned your trust back, so you’re gonna manage things your own way, but I don’t see that’s workin’ out too well for you.”
Edward considered his words. Was that what this was about? Had he taken offense with God for not saving Janey? Was he angry at God?
A spark deep within seemed to erupt into a flame. He was. He was angry at God. Angry that God hadn’t saved Janey and the boy. Only God had the power to give life and take it, so the entire responsibility rested with Him, and He had ignored Edward’s heart in the matter.
Or had He?
Thoughts of dark nights when Edward’s sorrow had been too great to bear came to mind. He remembered quite well those moments and the comfort that God gave. And what about those times when danger was threatening, and Edward had prayed for help, and God had provided it in some of the most unlikely ways? No, God hadn’t forgotten nor ignored him.
“I’m sorry if that was hard to hear.” Fred paused again and touched Edward’s arm. “You can’t live in fear, Ed. Bad things will happen. Good things too. But if you let the bad things be the ones you dwell on, then it’s like the good never counted for anything. Janey and your son are gone, but Marybeth and Carrie are right here. They love you and need you. You have to decide here and now if you’re gonna love them. You’re gonna have to make up your mind if you’re gonna trust God or forsake Him. There’s no halfway, Ed.”
Marybeth looked Carrie over for any speck of dirt or hair out of place. They were headed to church with the Hendersons, and Melody had promised to introduce Marybeth to her mentor, Granny Taylor. For months now Marybeth had heard about this precious older woman who was full of sage advice and sound wisdom. Maybe she’d have some answers for Marybeth regarding Edward, although that would require telling Granny about her problems.
But for now, that seemed like a possible solution to Marybeth. She didn’t want to talk to Eve, who was only a few weeks from giving birth. At least that was Dr. Scott’s surmisal. Marybeth was going over to the Henderson house more and more to watch the children while Eve took a nap or caught up on her own sewing for the baby. It made Evefeel better knowing that Marybeth was at least somewhat familiar with childbirth and that if she went into labor, she’d have someone there to help until Dr. Scott arrived.
“Come on, Carrie. We’ll be late if we don’t get a move on.” She took up the child’s bonnet and secured it to her head. She tied it on, then looked to see where she’d put her own wrap. It was lying across the back of the rocking chair.
“Papa come?” Carrie asked.
“No, Papa is doing extra work.”To avoid us, Marybeth nearly added. She bit her tongue to keep from commenting further.
For the last couple of weeks, Edward had taken to working during his days off. He had given only a brief explanation that he had agreed to take on some extra hours to set aside more money for the future, so he wouldn’t be around for church on Sundays. Marybeth had said nothing disagreeable about it but certainly thought plenty. He was doing this on purpose to avoid her, and it irritated her to no end.
However, just as she knew she was right, Marybeth prayed for him. She prayed pretty much day and night, pleading with God to change Edward’s heart. Begging God to allow Edward to see that life without love wasn’t much of a life at all. Of course, love could exist without intimacy. She knew that, but they were young and in love.... Well, they had been in love. They had been good friends. Yet now, their anger and fears were quickly robbing them of those feelings.
Outside, she heard Fred loading his family into their wagon. Marybeth hurried to fasten her cloak, then took Carrie by the hand. “Ready?”
