She shook her head but refused to look back at him. She busied herself instead with arranging the dishes.
“Marybeth, is something wrong?”
For a long moment, she said nothing. Finally, when she turned to face him, Edward could see there were tears in her eyes.
“What is it?”
She shook her head. “I’ve been wanting to say something—to talk about my ... feelings for you.”
Edward hadn’t expected this. He knew he was struggling with his own heart. How could he hope to deal with hers as well? “Go on.” He barely whispered the words, knowing this conversation could well cause problems for them both.
“I ... well, seeing you nearly die was hard on me. I feared the worst, and it did something to me. I realized as I prayed for you and watched and tried to help you ... that...” She heaved a heavy sigh. “Edward, I’ve lost my heart to you.”
He couldn’t help but nod. “I know. My feelings for you have changed in that same direction. I feel things for you that I thought I’d only ever feel for Janey.”
She seemed almost relieved by this and joined him at the table. “Edward, I know we started this arrangement as ... well, just that. An arrangement of convenience to help each other, but I’ve fallen in love with you. I want to be married to you in every way.”
He shook his head without thinking. “No, I can’t. I won’t.”
She looked surprised and bit her lower lip. She bowed her head. Edward felt terrible, and all he wanted to do was hold her and assure her that everything would be all right—that he would somehow find an amicable solution. But he had no confidence that he could make that happen.
“I’m sorry. I know I agreed to this arrangement,” Marybeth said after several minutes. “I never expected to fall in love. I wasn’t looking for that at all. But now that it’s happened, I’m completely devoted. I won’t ever stop loving you.”
Trapped. Like a wounded animal, Edward knew he couldn’t just get up and leave. His body was still working to recover, and even if he left ... where would he go? Still, he didn’t want to discuss the matter. Partly he feared hurting Marybeth. And partly he feared giving in to his own desires.
“I do love you, Marybeth. I won’t deny that my feelings have changed.” He hated that he had to hurt her. “But I won’t be a husband to you in an intimate manner. I can’t. I can’t bear the thought of another wife dying in childbirth.”
“Women have babies all the time and live. Janey was a sickly person. All of her life she was far more fragile than me. She caught colds and congestion every winter. She suffered with weak spells and fatigue. You know that very well. I don’t have those problems. I’m not like her. I’m stronger.”
He knew she was right. Janey had often commented on how she wished she had a constitution like Marybeth’s. Marybeth would trudge through the snow to see Janey when she was sick. It never seemed to cause any problems for Marybeth.
“There are people in this world who aren’t as strong physically, but Janey was strong in other ways,” Marybeth said. “She was smart and considerate. Those were things I cherished about her.”
“You’re smart and considerate too. Don’t think I don’t know that. You two share a lot of similar qualities, but you’ve definitely got your differences as well. You have a better sense of humor. Janey was much too serious at times. She knew it too.”
“She did.” Marybeth dabbed her face with the edge of her apron. “She used to ask me how she could be more lighthearted. We used to pray together that she’d learn to see the humorous side of things.”
“I don’t remember her saying anything about that.” Edward looked away. He didn’t want to talk about Janey. With his growing feelings for Marybeth, he found the memories of his dead wife fading.
“She didn’t want you to know,” Marybeth replied. “We prayed about a lot of things that way. She wanted to be a good wife to you. I want to be that as well.”
Edward couldn’t keep from meeting her glance. “You are a good wife. You’ve endured so much in just the few short months we’ve been married. I have no complaints, and if not for the fears I have about what might happen, I would ... I’d make you my wife in ... every way.” His mouth filled with cotton, and his throat went dry.
He saw her cheeks flush red as she looked away. Talkingabout the intimacy of marriage, or in their case the lack of, wasn’t easy for either of them.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She cleared her throat and returned her gaze to him. “I should never have brought this up. You started talking about the house, however, and I couldn’t help it. How many bedrooms should we have, you asked. I suppose the correct answer should be three. One for Carrie. One for me. One for you.”
A knock sounded at the door to the shed. “It’s me, Marybeth,” Melody’s cheerful voice rang out.
Marybeth lifted her chin slightly as Edward had noticed her doing when trying to face a problem head-on. She took her cloak from a peg by the door. “I’ll be leaving with Melody. Eve is watching Carrie, as you know. Do you need me to help you back to bed, or would you like to sit for a while?”
“I’ll sit.”
She nodded, not quite looking him in the eye. And with that she opened the door and greeted Melody.
“I’m ready. I even put on those boy’s trousers you gave me because it turned so cold. They are a lot warmer than pettipants.” Marybeth took up her basket with the sewing.
“I told you.” Melody looked past her to Edward. “How are you feeling today, Edward?”
