She hated herself for being so weak. Hated what she had become. Hated that she couldn’t give it up.
Just like her father.
SEVENTEEN
Iknow that wasn’t easy.”
The snow crunched around Whitney as Dad approached.
She swiped at her eyes, then realized it didn’t matter. No wonder she was broken. Best to sit here in her mess.
The man she’d abhorred for so long walked right up to her and sat in the snow too. “How long have you been drinking?”
All the anger she wanted to fling at him fell flat. She was no better than he. “I never considered it drinking. Not until today.”
“Because at first, you had a sip or two when you needed it?”
Maybe Peter wasn’t the only one who understood her. She couldn’t look him in the eye, but she nodded. Might as well be honest. What did she have to lose? “Yes.” Deep breath. She couldn’t hide any longer. Not even from ...him. “It was a spoonful or two from the tonic bottle after that man attacked me. Peter—Dr. Cameron—gave it to me to help with my headaches and anxiety.”
“Did it help?”
“It did. But then over time it took more to alleviate the pain ... and the pain and anxiety happened more frequently.” She should smack herself for ever allowing it to get to this point.She knew better. “I should have known the first time I refilled that bottle that something was seriously wrong.”
“I understand.”
But she didn’t want him to understand. This was his fault. She jerked her head to face him. “Doyou? Granddad told me the reason people drank was to forget, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was that you would want to forget. Me? Our family? What?”
“No. I’d never want to forget you or our family.” There was so much depth to his eyes that she’d never seen before. Even though she’d lashed out at him, he remained calm.
Which only infuriated her more.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “What is it thatyouwant to forget?”
The question made her sit up straighter and lift her shoulders. “Everything.Granddad’s death, the attack, Mama’s death,youshowing up, your new family ... the ways I’ve failed. I want to forget it all.”
“You don’t mean that.” Were those tears in his eyes? Hurt? No. He was supposed to be the same ol’ drunk that abandoned them. The man who was hollow and good for nothing.
It was easier for her that way.
“Maybe I do.” But her bravado left in a great whoosh. Pictures of Eli and Bethany danced through her mind. She wouldn’t want to forget them. No matter how they came to be part of her family.
“No. You don’t. I can see it on your face. But as to the failing part ... I get that. I drank for the same reason—to forget the ways I’d failed your mama and you girls. I was unworthy to even live. I wasn’t any good to any of you, so when Chuck told me to leave ... I did.” He blinked several times and pursed his lips, but a single tear escaped.
“If you really loved us, you would have fought for us.” It sounded so childish once the words were out.
Dad looked down and pushed snow around with his gloves. “That’s not true and you know it. Because if it was, then I would say that you must not love your sisters because you’re not fighting hard to be there forthemright now. I heard you quit playing at the Roadhouse.”
Ouch. Of course he would bring that up. “They don’t need me the same way. They have husbands. And they can playjustfine without me.”
He turned his head and made a face. “That’s not true either. The three of you together are amazing. It’s like a three-stranded cord. Take away one strand and it’s not as strong. No matter how talented your sisters are.”
No great argument came to mind, and she felt deflated. Why was she so insistent on remaining angry at him? A little nudge to her heart made her look at him. Really look at him. Maddy and Havyn had forgiven him. A little too readily for her liking, but they had done it anyway.God, what is wrong with me?
“Ya know, Esther made me memorize some Scripture verses when I first had to conquer my demon of drinking. ’Cause it sure did have a hold on me. From Ephesians chapter six: ‘For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.’”
Hearing the verses from her father’s lips made her squirm. “Mama made us learn the whole passage when we were young. She would ask us each morning if we had put on our belt of truth, our breastplate of righteousness, our shoes ofthe gospel of peace, our shield of faith, our helmet of salvation, and our sword of the Spirit.” As she said it, a little of the weight on her shoulders fell away. She hadn’t followed through on that for so very long.Oh, Mama ...
“Your mother was a wise woman. The very best.”
