After a long pause, he answered. “Yes. Deborah and Miriam. They’re two and five years younger than I am. There were two more sons, but they died. In fact, my mother died trying to give birth to the last one. He was stillborn, and I remember lookingat him and thinking him a murderer, as foolish as that sounds. It took years to forgive him. He took the only person I felt ever truly loved me.”
“How sad.” Elise tried to imagine feeling such anger toward an infant who never even started his life beyond his mother’s womb. “How terrible it must have felt. I’m so sorry.”
Nick looked at her and smiled. “Our housekeeper, Mrs. Schmitt, understood. She was the only one who did. My sisters cried for weeks. At first, they cried for the loss of their mother and the baby, and then I believe they both faded into despair when our father took off on a trip and sent us to boarding school. Mrs. Schmitt said he had often wanted to send us away, but Mother wouldn’t allow it. With her gone, he had no reason to keep us near.”
Elise couldn’t imagine the emptiness Nick must have felt as a child. Her own loss as an adult was difficult, but the idea of losing a mother as a child was overwhelming. “I’m so sorry you had to endure that. It must have been devastating.”
Nick nodded, then changed the focus of their discussion. “Mrs. Schmitt is a good and godly woman. She did her best to comfort us and offer what love she could. When we came home on holidays, it was to a new governess and later to a very strict tutor. Father didn’t want us to fall behind in our studies while away from school. Mrs. Schmitt remained the only constant besides our father.”
“He sounds like a man with no feelings.” Elise clapped her hand to her mouth, then slowly lowered it. “I’m sorry. I should never have said that. It’s not my place to criticize.”
“It’s nevertheless true. I never understood if Mother’s death killed his ability to feel, or if he had always put such things toone side. Maybe he was taught that feelings were dangerous and avoided them. I have no idea. I never knew my grandparents. Perhaps they taught him to be that way.”
“Maybe he didn’t have the strength to deal with such feelings. Have you ever considered that? A moment ago I was harshly judgmental, but it comes to mind that perhaps he was heartbroken and had nothing left to give. How old was he when his own mother died?”
“Just a child, like me.” Nick shrugged. “He always made such unfeeling demands on me that I gave little consideration to his feelings. Looking back now, I can see that was wrong. When he disowned me ten years ago, my immediate thought was, ‘You did this years ago, and now it’s just a formality.’”
“Oh, Nick. I am sorry. What a terrible thing to endure. I’m sure some fathers think they know better than anyone. They believe their children have no understanding of what’s best for them, but rather than try to discuss it and help the child or young man understand, they just place their demands and edicts.”
“That was definitely my father’s way. He wanted me in the mill business and saw no other option. When I refused, he was so dumbfounded that he did the only thing he thought might change my mind: abandoned me.”
Elise swallowed the lump in her throat. She might have wept for that young man but knew it wouldn’t help the situation.
“Elise?” her father called from the stern.
“I need to go to him.” She touched Nick’s arm. She hoped he understood the tenderness she felt toward him. “Life is often painful and difficult. That’s why love and kindness are so important. I’m glad you had Mrs. Schmitt.”
He met her eyes. “I am too.”
“I hope you know you have a friend in me ... and my father. We’ll be here for you no matter what.”
It was as much of a pledge as she dared give him for the moment. She hurried to go to her father, knowing that if she stayed, she might say much more.
Chapter 14
Once again, they were safely in Oswego, emptying their load of grain. Next they would take on another load of coal and head back to Duluth. It was the routine of theMary Elise, and only on rare occasion did it change or include an extra stop along the way. For Nick, it was a perfect job. He wasn’t in charge, he was simply a crew member, and although he longed to command again, he felt that he owed the world some sort of penance for the eight men who died on his watch.
Sometimes those memories were more than he could bear. He relived the scene so often in his thoughts and dreams that he wondered if he’d ever be free. Working on theMary Elise, however, had been healing, and except for Booker Duran, Nick found everyone there forgiving.
He made the short walk to the post office to collect his mail and found a letter from Mrs. Schmitt. Dear woman. She was so good to him. Her faithful correspondence had kept Nick from feeling too alone in the world.
He walked to the nearby park and took a seat on one of the benches. He opened the letter and read.
Dearest Nick,
I am glad to hear of your new job and of the young lady who has caught your attention. I have long prayed for you to find a mate—a woman of godly character who will stand faithfully beside you through the trials and storms of life. Elise sounds like a woman who might be my answer to prayer. I hope that you will be able to get to know each other better. Remember that honesty and respect are two of the most important things in a relationship. Never take each other for granted, and always pray for each other.
On the home front, there is news is of some concern. Your father hasn’t been well. I believe it’s his heart, although he refuses to see a doctor. He shows signs of constant weariness and is far less active than he used to be. He manages business arrangements from home these days, which, as you know, is very unlike him. I tell you these things only to keep you apprised. I know that you care about him greatly.
Your sisters don’t appear overly concerned for him, so perhaps it’s just my propensity to worry. Deborah was here to see him just yesterday and brought the baby. He was oddly entertained by this and even held the child, which surprised us all. She commented that he appeared quite well and suggested he come to share dinner with them on Friday night. He declined and told her he was already committed elsewhere. I knew this wasn’t true, but of course I said nothing. I suppose it is possible he has something scheduled that I know nothing about.
The letter continued with tidbits of neighborhood intrigue. Mrs. Schmitt had talked to the next-door neighbor’s housekeeper, who revealed that the estate was going to be sold now that the old master had died. Mrs. Schmitt was concerned aboutwhether an established family would move in. She feared it might be a person of new wealth and was unsure such people could be trusted. Nick smiled at this. Mrs. Schmitt could be very suspicious and prejudiced.
He finished the letter, rereading the portion regarding his father. Was he very ill? It was hard to tell. His father had always been a very private man, but especially in matters that concerned his own health. Paired with Mrs. Schmitt’s penchant for worry, it was hard to know whether there was a real problem or not. Yet another thing to commit to prayer.
Nick tucked the letter in his pocket and leaned back against the bench. It was a beautiful day in Oswego, and people everywhere were taking advantage of the day.
Father wouldn’t care if I worried or not. He wouldn’t want me to come. He’sdisowned me. Severed all ties because I wouldn’t gointo the textile business. Showing up now would no doubtmake any heart problems worse.
