Tessa took a sip from her water bottle. “Fair enough. If I’m going to start at the beginning, I would have to go way back. I remember the first time I took a drink. I was in middle school. I had a wine cooler, and one wasn’t enough. I didn’t realize it then, but I know now that I’m not someone who can ever have alcohol, because I will always want more.”
The women gave her encouraging smiles.
“I kept it reasonably in check while I was in my twenties, but sometimes I drank too much on the weekend, woke up with a hangover, swore I’d never do it again, and usually managed tohold it to one glass of wine a night for a while after. But then a few months after I moved to Raleigh, my dad died.”
She closed her eyes, the piercing pain of her dad’s death still a throbbing bruise on her heart two years later.
“He wanted to be buried in India, so I took some leave and did all the things I needed to do for my family during that time. There was a lot of pressure from my extended family while I was in India. Pressure to marry. Pressure to have kids. None of which was stuff my dad cared about. He loved me. I loved him. He was proud of me. He wasn’t thrilled when I decided on law enforcement over law school, but he never stopped supporting me.”
“I’m sorry you lost him,” Ivy said, her eyes shimmering. Ivy knew the pain of losing a dad.
“Thank you. Our relationship was complicated, but at the core I knew he had my back. With him gone, some of my extended family got all up in my business, even after I returned home. When I came back to work, I was grieving my father and already fending off well-meaning but misplaced advances from random men that my family kept trying to set me up with. The first night I was back in my apartment, I got completely trashed.”
Her skin heated at the memory. “I was so hungover the next morning that I could barely see straight. Zane ran into me in the grocery store. I’d dragged myself there to get the basics, and he knew.”
“Zane is annoyingly perceptive.” Faith’s remark was met with general agreement.
“Yes. And Zane’s mother is an alcoholic. He has far more experience than anyone should have with hangovers.”
Understanding flashed in Faith’s and Ivy’s eyes. Concern in everyone else’s. Tessa assumed from those reactions that Zane had shared about his mother with Gil and Luke, and while they had shared with their significant others, it had gone no further.
“Needless to say, he kept a close watch on me after that. I didn’t get wasted again, but between my grief, the family drama, and then Thad’s death and everything that came with that, I was drinking more and more each night.”
Faith popped her palm to her forehead. “That’s what you guys were fighting about at the hotel when we were under guard after Jared and Michael were killed.”
“Yeah. I’d had a drink. Not much. But I was at the point where I couldn’t cope without it, even though I was denying it. Zane was furious. I was terrified.”
“I wish you’d have told me,” Faith whispered.
“I didn’t tell anyone but God,” Tessa said. “Until Zane found out, no one else knew. I prayed and prayed and tried, but I couldn’t heal myself, and I couldn’t get it under control. And when everything went so very wrong and my coworkers were all dying or getting shot, I held it together until it was all over.”
She put her head in her hands.Jesus, please help me get through this.
“Tessa?” Hope’s voice was a whisper of warmth and comfort. “You don’t have to tell us more. We get it.”
“Thank you, but I’m just getting to the part that applies to our current situation.”
“We’ll hold whatever you tell us as a sacred trust.” Ivy’s eyes still glistened, but her smile was genuine. “I won’t even tell Gil.”
“It’s okay. Zane and I discussed it this morning. He’s telling the guys tonight. Everyone will be on the same page by tomorrow. Although I would appreciate it if we could keep it to this group.” She looked at Ivy. “I do expect you and Gil to tell Emily. Or I can tell her. It doesn’t matter.”
Ivy nodded.
Tessa took another sip of water. “This next part is where itgets messy. It wasn’t long after Jared and Michael died. Faith and Luke had just officially become a couple. We were all at Luke’s place. Me, Zane, Gil, Emily, Luke, Faith, and Hope. We’d ordered pizza because Gil was still having headaches from getting shot, and everyone was still recovering.
“Despite Gil’s mood—and, as I recall, Zane’s as well—we had a great night, but I was about to jump out of my skin. I needed a drink, and I left around nine. I think I used the excuse that everyone needed to get their beauty sleep. I knew Emily would take care of Gil. Faith planned to stay until Luke and Zane were settled, and then she was going to crash with Hope because her house was still not her favorite place to be.”
“Everyone had someone to be with, except for you.” Faith frowned. “Tessa, I’m so sorry. I never made that connection.”
“You were busy making googly eyes at Luke.” Faith didn’t deny it. “And all of us were so shell-shocked and relieved that we were alive, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that I left alone. I could have gone with you and Hope. I knew it then. All I had to do was say something, and we would have made it into a girls’ night. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to drink.”
Tessa took a sip of her water. “I went home and left everything that could identify me as an agent. I didn’t have my weapon, my badge, my access card to the building. Nothing like that. All I took was my phone, some lipstick, and cash in a small purse. I’d been to this bar before. I knew the bartender wouldn’t ask me for my ID. It’s not a dive. It’s a nice place. And while I wasn’t planning on getting drunk, I was planning on being intoxicated enough not to drive, so I took an Uber over there. I settled in to listen to the music and drink.”
Tessa clasped her hands together and took a deep breath. “I woke up the next morning alone in a nasty hotel room with my shirt missing.”
“Tess.” She couldn’t tell who had spoken. Several of them had said her name. Ivy had whispered a soft, “Christ have mercy.” Sharon was full-on crying, and Sharon almost never cried.
“I’m going to tell you all of it, but let me jump ahead on one point. I wasn’t raped. There was no evidence of sexual assault of any kind.”
