“My father exploded. He asked my brother if it was true and Kota said ‘yes’.” Tears rolled down Zane’s face as the painful memory of what happened next flashed through him.
“Love, don’t…please,” David crooned, moved by his mate’s reaction. Leaning forward, David wrapped his arms around his mate’s neck, pressing his lips against Zane’s forehead, giving little kisses while murmuring words of comfort.
Finally, Zane’s tears abated, but he kept his eyes closed; he didn’t want to see his mate’s reaction to the rest of what he had to say. “When I say my father exploded, I mean just that. His face turned bright red as his anger erupted. Pounding on the countertop, he screamed at Kota, calling him every dirty, nasty name he could come up with. Then he issued his edict…my brother was forbidden to return to culinary school after the holiday.
“Oh my gods, David, it was a nightmare. My younger brothers and sisters were crying, not understanding whatwas going on. Kota stood frozen, not responding to my father, but I suddenly realized what I’d done to him…the brother who helped me, protected me, watched out for me and who I admired and loved with my whole heart. All the life faded from his eyes, his face became stone, all emotion gone, and he just stood there, taking it, never defending himself, never responding to anything my father called him.
“I didn’t know what to do to help Kota, but at that moment I remember wanting my father dead and all I could think of was how fast I could kill him. Just then, Jackson rushed in and took control. Before I knew what was happening, Jackson and Kota were driving away from the house and I never saw Kota again until the end of the school year when I went to help my brothers pack up their stuff for summer recess.”
Chapter 19
Zane opened his eyes, staring into David’s. “After that happened, I refused to attend any more lessons. I saw my father for what he was…a bully…someone who was supposed to love us unconditionally but had hatred in his heart for any of his children who didn’t fit his mold. I retreated to my bedroom and lost myself with nerds like me in the internet world. I wrote a letter to Kota, apologizing for what I did, and he responded, telling me not to worry because he was okay.
“In early spring, my grandparents died in an accident and all my brothers came home for the funeral except Kota. Jackson told me that Kota didn’t want to come due to how my father might behave when he saw him. As much as I wanted to see him, I knew he made the right decision because my father would have started up on him again. That’s when my hate for my father grew even more.”
“Why?” asked David, not understanding fully.
“My grandparents who died? They were my mother’s parents and she was devastated. Her twin sister couldn’t make it because she was caring for her sick husband so mom was all alone except for us but the one who was closest to her wasn’t there.” Zane choked up at the memory before continuing. “You see, by the time he was five, Kota spent every day in the kitchen with our mother except for the times she kicked him out and made him go camping with us. They had a very special bond and I know it would have meant so much to her if he was at her side, when grandma and grandpop were laid to rest.”
“I’m so sorry,” David commiserated.
Now tears were streaming down Zane’s face again as he continued, “That was the last time my older brothers ever saw our mother and I took that away from Kota. Me…only me…because of my selfish desire for my father’s attention even though I knew I’d never be the Alpha of a pack. I can never give Kota back what I took from him, because our mother was killed a few months later.”
“How old were you when that happened?”
“S-s-s-ixteen,” Zane answered his voice hitching as he tried to stop crying.
“Sixteen? And you were trying to deal with an adult…a parent no less…who should have known better. I’m sure your brother isn’t angry at you. Your father, not you, is responsible forallof it, from the hate he had for his gay sons to the anger at your brother’s choice of careers. And listen, there wasn’t any way your father didn’t know Dakota made those cookies…really, think about it. You said it yourself! Your brother was in the kitchen cooking with your mother for how many years? Twelve, thirteen? I don’t know much about the role of an Alpha but isn’t he supposed to know what is happening in his pack…and that would include what his children were up to?”
“I guess, but…”
“No ‘buts’…youknowit,” David said emphatically, his hands cupping Zane’s face as his thumbs wiped away his mate’s tears. Then, more softly, he said again, “No, you know it.” He paused a moment to let Zane think about it, before continuing, “You’re not to blame for your father’s deplorable behavior. No one, especially a parent, has the right to force a child to hide who he is.”
Zane took a deep breath; he knew David was right but would his mate feel the same way when he heard the rest of his story? “There’s more to tell,” he said, reluctantly.
“Then tell me, because whatever you say, I’ll still want you to claim me.”
Zane took a deep breath before continuing. “I was so angry after my grandparents’ funeral; I didn’t know how to handle it. I had never felt that way before and now it was the only emotion I had. I began to blame my father for fucking up my life and my hatred of him became all-consuming. How many days I wished for his death I can’t even begin to tell you, but by the end of the school year, I knew I had to escape or else I’d kill him. I convinced my mother to let me visit the college I’d be going to in the fall and help my brothers pack up their stuff. She agreed, so off I went.”
“Did that help you?” asked David.
“Oh my gods, yes! Kota and I had a long talk that helped me understand I wasn’t to blame…that my father had used me as a listening post to pass on his messages of hate. For the first time, I was able to stand back and examine what happened without my emotions getting in the way. But what really helped was when he told me he had snuck home late one evening and, while our father and siblings were asleep, talked all night with our mother before leaving in the early morning. Just knowing Kota saw her took an enormous burden of guilt off my shoulders. He told me he’d gotten a job for the summer but the next time he came home, he’d be sure to let me know so I could see him.”
“See,” said David gently, “you are the innocent in this mess.”
“Maybe,” conceded Zane, “but there’s more. After we got everything packed at the college, we decided to stop off in Las Vegas on the way home for some fun. We were having a good time when we learned our family had been killed by our uncle and his pack. My world fell apart in a heartbeat…and so did I. I felt guilty because my father was dead and somehow everything got twisted in my head. I went from hating my father to believing it was my duty to honor him by living my life the way he’d taught me. It was weird because I felt like two different people. At some point I realized how fucked up my thinking was, but that didn’t happen for a long time. I acted like a super alpha right after the massacre and I must have been the biggest pain in the ass to Jackson, who was holding us together by sheer force of will power.
“He got us to safety and found a place where we could slowly put the pieces back together. He did a fantastic job of it but I always felt I was standing on the edge of total disaster so anything that could cause me to fall I resented and rejected. I ended up spending all my time and effort making each day the same as the one before. Knowing what to expect each day was very important to me because I never wanted to be devastated like I was when I found out about the massacre. It was a crutch I used to survive and, when Jackson told me he was a hybrid and was pregnant with a pup, my false existence was shattered. This was a major change; my carefully constructed world was disappearing in a flash. That’s why I was cruel to my brother.”
David sat quietly, taking it all in, before saying, “Did you apologize to Jackson?”
Nodding, Zane said, “Yeah I did. Jackson sent Logan after me…mainly to protect me…and by the time he found me, I had calmed down, so we talked. The next day, I apologized to Jackson and Steel.”
“Does it bother you anymore about your brother’s ability to have pups?”
“No,” Zane answered. “Now I think it is the neatest thing ev…oh my god, I bet Kota is pregnant with a Dire Pup.”
“Huh? Why do you think that?” asked David, not too sure about what it all meant.
