‘It’s true, Mum. I over-heard her talking about being with John one night when I couldn’t get hold of him, and worst of all Jane was with me and she saw her car outside his house. She definitely spent the night with him. I feel like such a fool, Mum. I feel sick to my stomach, but I feel like it’s exactly what I deserve after Rob and everything. Talk about karma.’
The tears came again then, like the burst banks of a river. They were relentless.
‘Oh, honey.’ She put her arms around me in only a way that a mother can. ‘I can’t believe it. Are you sure? He definitely had me fooled. Are you sure it’s what you think? I would have laid money on him being the one for you after I met him. Do you know when you went to the toilet in The Boathouse, he promised me he would look after you. He told me he adored you, and he would make sure you guys would have the best life together, even though he knew I’d rather you were here.’
I cried harder again because I had honestly believed it too. But Jane saw Jennifer’s car outside his house. And it was there all night. It’s not like she parked it there and swanned off somewhere else. There was nowhere else to go. And the fact he knew it was wrong because he didn’t answer any of my calls. So, he lied to me as well. If I ever got over this, there would be no more men ever.
‘It hurts like nothing ever before.’ I flopped back into her deep couch and sighed.
‘I know, honey. I know. What did he say when you confronted him?’ she asked in a gentle tone.
‘Confronted him? I couldn’t even look at him. I hopped in a taxi and got the first plane out of there. I couldn’t bear to look at him while he lied to me. I didn’t want to cause a scene. And I just couldn’t even think about saying a last goodbye.’
I’d never known pain like it in my life. It was over-powering, overwhelming, all-consuming. I didn’t think I’d ever recover. I was an absolute riot. Greasy hair, blotchy skin and in desperate need of a shower I had no enthusiasm for.
We sat silently, holding hands and drinking wine. There was nothing more I could say, and if there was something else she wanted to say, she held it back. The clocked ticked ominously in the back ground as a thousand childhood memories flashed through my brain of this house, temporarily distracting me from my immediate heartache.
‘Where is Trevor?’ It occurred to me it was almost eight o’clock and he was nowhere to be seen, thankfully.
‘He’s in York until Friday for a golf thing.’ Thank fuck, we silently exchanged through a glance and both managed to muster a small smile.
‘Can I sleep in with you?’ I asked her, almost child-like again. I didn’t want to be on my own. There was no one else in the world I could share this heartbreak with. I know she felt my pain from the way she looked at me.
‘Are you meant to be working tomorrow?’ she asked, before we headed up the stairs.
‘No, thankfully. Not until Tuesday. Are you?’
‘I am, but I’ll ring in the morning and tell them I’ll work from home,’ she said.
‘Thank you.’ I nearly cried again at her kindness, although that’s exactly what I’d gone there for.
‘No more tears, missy. You’re too beautiful to be crying.’
Ha, only a mother would believe that.
‘Mum, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this one,’ I confided quietly in the darkness of her double bed.
‘You will, my darling. Of course you will. You are stronger than you will ever know. And you are my daughter, never forget that.’
She held my hand under the covers while I silently cried. Eventually a light and very unsettled sleep came to both of us. No one had my back like my mother.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
MONDAY 10TH DECEMBER
I woke at five in the morning and wondered briefly where I was, before the reality hit me like a freight train. I began to sob again. Beside me, my mother stirred and switched the lamp on.
‘You’re okay honey,’ she said, hugging me tightly. ‘You’re going to be okay.’
The possibility of further sleep evaporated, so we headed downstairs together, me in her dressing gown and her in Trevor’s. She made a pot of tea and we watched the sunrise over the familiar estate. School children sauntered past the window to catch their buses. I glimpsed commuters walking toward the train or ferry. Life moved on, even though my world had stopped. It was once me sauntering down the very same road in my uniform, wondering what the day ahead at school would hold.
‘So, what is your plan?’ My mum brought me back into my present misery.
‘I’m not sure to be honest.’ I looked down into my tea for inspiration. ‘The only thing I’m damned sure of is that I can’t stay here.’ I couldn’t hack staying in the life I’d already committed to leaving.
My bosses would both take back my resignations in the morning. My friends might feel my pain, and they’d be delighted if I stayed. Though that would make them happy, I needed to do something to make me happy, if that was even possible.
I’d committed to leaving, to starting a brand-new chapter. And that was what I needed to do. I couldn’t stay here wallowing in what might have been.
