‘Well, as neighbours, I’m just saying this is the first time we’ve all been out for dinner together.’
‘The way you’re going, Trisha, it will probably be the last,’ warned her boyfriend with a laugh.
The waiter interrupted to disclose the specials and take our order. I glanced around, taking it all in. It was like being in a time warp, suits of armour hung on the wall and flags with proud family crests were mounted for all to see.
I was happier than I ever thought I could be only a few short months ago, surrounded by these new friends I had only just met, yet I felt so comfortable with them already.
John sat back from the table; his arms folded over his chest subtly observing my interactions with the girls as he made small talk with the men. He was trying hard to line everything up for me, to make moving here a viable option; the support of hisfamily, new female friends, now possibly even a job on the cards, thanks to last night’s encounter.
Jane and Trisha described their favourite hotels in Ireland, insisting which ones John had to bring me to, by the sound of it, there was an abundance of them. I mentally tried to remember a few. Their company was effortless, and I had a deep satisfying feeling I was finally fitting in somehow. I was happier than I had been in years. John gazed at me across the table, he knew exactly what I was thinking, a small smile playing on his lips as he leaned across and took my hand.
Chapter Twenty-Five
SUNDAY 21ST OCTOBER
Leaving John had become the hardest part of my week. I hated walking through the departure lounge knowing there was an ocean between us until the next time. I hated that I couldn’t just jump in the car and get to him, that I had to rely on flight schedules, trains and boats. Such a lot of variants that could go wrong.
For all my previous ways of longing for, and needing plans, I found myself longing not to have to make a plan; just wake up and be there and do as we felt on that day.
Times were changing. I barely recognised the person I was when I with John, but I liked her. I was stronger, happier, and way more confident.
Regular travelling meant permanently readjusting to the completely different cultures. Despite being only an hour’s flight away, the people and the way of life were light years apart. I went from the quiet, remote solitude of John’s country house and family, to landing into chaos on the motorway, traffic jams (not ones consisting of cattle), long, drawn-out diversions, toll roads and people everywhere swarming the streets like ants. By Friday I was used to city life again and when I landed in Knock again theserenity and laid-back attitude to life seemed to shock me again. I was all over the shop. It was one extreme to another.
I couldn’t go on like this and we both knew it. But was it too soon to take up and leave and start again completely? I didn’t know. When I was away from John, a part of me still worried it was too good to be true, and it wouldn’t last. Why should our love be different to anyone before us? The ones I’d seen soar high, full of excitement, wonder, and promise, before crashing and burning, hitting the ground at high speed; an accident destined to happen.
When I was with him, I was in absolutely no doubt. It was the other half of the week I struggled with.
Chapter Twenty-Six
SATURDAY 27TH OCTOBER
It was Katie’s thirtieth birthday, and I wasn’t going to Ireland. The thought of not spending the weekend with John filled me with dread, even borderline panic. I was jittery without his reassuring presence. It was hard enough to do the weekdays without him, let alone the weekend as well. I was convinced in my absence he’d realise he was far too good for me. This side of the Irish Sea, I doubted myself, doubted the logistics, doubted everything.
Did everybody feel so insecure at the start of a new relationship? It wasn’t a feeling I was used to, and not one I liked either. It was a rollercoaster, and I hate fairground rides. The high was so extreme, half the week I was ecstatic to be with John, surviving all the long hours travelling on adrenaline, beyond excited. But the other half of the week was often abysmal without him. I kept busy between work and my friends, but the aching for him was unbearable. The distance was a permanent reminder of our separate lives. I felt almost paranoid when I couldn’t get hold of him, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I didn’t trust him fully not to break my heart in some way. Part of me felt that would be karma for leaving Rob for him.
In the darkness, when sleep eluded me, I was my own worst critic. The demons continued to haunt me, questioning whether I deserved to be happy after everything that had happened. Maybe it would be healthy in the long run for me to have a weekend away from my new-found love obsession.
Rhinefield house was on the bucket list. We’d made a list when we left college of all the places we would go to when we started earning proper money and this fabulous hotel caught my eye; a luxurious listed building steeped in history, and almost on my doorstep. As I checked in, I was apprehensive but excited to be reunited with my trusty sidekick, Raquelle. Nobody could feel down in her company. This was the woman who sang Sinead O’Connor at karaoke like her life (and eyelashes) depended on it. Passionate, off key perhaps, but she made up for it one hundred percent in enthusiasm.
Afternoon tea was booked for three o’clock. I had enough time to dump my belongings in the room and touch up my make-up before meeting the gang. The rooms were plush and traditional; heavy burgundy drapes hung as curtains in the room, and complimentary chocolates sat on my perfectly plumped pillow.
I put on a long-sleeved black dress, aiming for simple yet sophisticated, sprayed my signature Chanel Chance and headed down the wide, lantern lit corridors to be reunited with my girls.
The drawing room was an enormous circular space with a triple height dome like ceiling. Mahogany bookcases lined the walls from the floor to almost the roof and held every type of book imaginable. I was in absolute awe. I could have happily sat there alone, leafing through the mountain of wondrous literature.
‘There you are,’ a voice whispered in my ear, startling me.
‘Rach!’ I flung my arms around her tightly. The girl was like a sister to me. I had told her my deepest darkest secrets, when I was too ashamed to even say them aloud to myself.
‘Have you bitches forgotten it’s my birthday? Break up the love affair.’ Katie landed on top of the both of us.
‘Is it really?’ I feigned shock. ‘We’d completely forgotten, if I had known I would have brought you a gift.’ I smiled and pulled out a Jo Malone bag from behind my back.
‘Happy birthday, sweetheart. Hope thirty is your best year yet.’ I squeezed her tightly in a warm embrace. It was like old times, back in the college days where we were the only family we had.
‘Where’s Theresa?’ I asked, looking round.
‘Ha. Late as usual. Do you even have to ask?’
