‘She’s just peed she can’t be drinking Prosecco instead of serving it.’ He was probably right. In fact, I’d probably feel the same. But because I was so obsessed with John, I assumed every other woman in the world would want him too. And who could blame them, he was absolutely gorgeous.
That was the thing about finding somebody so special. It was a double-edged sword; because he was so exceptional to me, I was frightened to fully enjoy him for fear of losing him already.
Did everybody feel like this in the beginning or was it just me?
In all my life, I’d never been exposed to any true love stories that lasted. From what I’d witnessed, it only ever happened in fairytales.
I tried to kick the cynicism because I was in danger of allowing it to steal any future happiness away from me. I’d drive myself crazy if I didn’t stop over-thinking things. I dragged myself away from my tortured thoughts and back into the moment.
‘I hope you don’t think you’re wining and dining me, and taking advantage of my innocent nature?’ I took a sip of my drink, aware that we were once again in a hotel together.
‘I told you already; you’re in safe hands with me. I promise you, when the time comes you won’t be in any doubt of my intentions,’ he said in a low voice, deliberately running his eyesover the length of my body. ‘Relax. I promise you I’ll take care of you and deliver you back at the airport in one piece, this time. Next time I get you over here though, I can’t promise I’ll let you go again. It took me thirty years to find you.’
Lunch was fabulous, we had a goat’s cheese tartlet to start; I had monkfish for a main and he had a fillet steak. Afterwards we shared the dessert platter; six delicious treats, each one more mouth-watering than the last.
It was nothing like a traditional first date, it was so much better because we already knew each other so well. The situation had forced us to be brutally honest with each other from day one, which would form a solid foundation for a proper relationship, if only I could make myself available to him.
I had to.
The itch had become a full-blown rash.
He stroked my fingers as we talked. I knew it would break my heart to leave him again. The day exceeded even my wildest dreams.
I was, without a doubt, crazy in love with him. He breathed life into every love song I’d ever heard; all that was previously tacky now became relatable. What had happened to me?
I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room. As I washed my hands in the sink, I glimpsed my reflection in the mirror. I looked ten years younger; my cheeks flushed from laughing. I dared to smile at myself for a split second, before the devil on my shoulder tried to ruin everything, tormenting me with one word – adulterer.
Ok, it was bad, I know. I wasn’t sure what was worse, actually being in love with someone else, or the physical act of kissing another. There had been nothing physical at home for a long time, and there had never been real love. I was terrified this chance would slip through my fingers before I got the opportunity to find out if it was everything I hoped.
It was less than ten days until my brother’s wedding. I’d have to suffer my conscience for another few days before I could try to put things right. I left the ladies’ room more sombre than I went in.
John picked up in the change of temperament immediately.
‘Everything ok?’ His eyebrows knitted closer.
‘Yes. No. I don’t know. I’ve had such a lovely day. I can’t bear to leave. Here with you, I forget that there’s anyone else in the world but the two of us. Then when I’m alone again, I literally batter myself black and blue for what I’m doing, for the way I’m feeling.’
‘Lucy. You’ve been an absolute lady. The situation is far from ideal. For any of us. How do you think it makes me feel knowing that you go home to him every day?’
‘You know it’s not like that.’ I took his hand, desperate for him to understand, to know I wasn’t having my cake and eating.
‘I know, sweetheart. I’m only saying it’s not what any of us would have chosen. It’s just the way things have worked out. And please God, they will work out. Not long to go now, just hang on in there.’ He squeezed my hand reassuringly.
I hated not knowing when I would see him again. But the trip had been so worth it.
I was in absolutely and utterly no doubt about how I felt about him. And he left me with no doubt that he felt the same. He soothed my soul and simultaneously set my heart alight.
The drive back to the airport was subdued. Neither of us could make the other feel better about our impending goodbye. The next few weeks and months would not be easy. But nothing worth fighting for ever was I suppose.
At the departure drop off, he got out the car and pulled me into his strong chest. ‘I’m only ever a phone call away. And if you need me, I’ll be there in a shot.’
My eyes welled embarrassingly with unshed tears. When did I become one of these weepy, lovestruck women that couldn’t think straight?
He kissed me deeply and held the small of my back, pressing me into his lean frame.
‘I’ll call you later.’ I walked reluctantly into departures and looked over my shoulder to wave at him, and for one final glimpse.
He got into his car, banged his hands off the steering wheel and raised them up to his temple in an exaggerated motion of horror and mouthed at me, ‘Audi wanker!’
