It would be completely selfish of me not to just wait a few weeks. Plus, it would give me time to decide what I was going to do with my life, to come up with some sort of plan.
In the night’s darkness, I toyed with the idea of moving back to Edinburgh. I’d been so happy there, bar the weather. I still had a lot of contacts. I’d have no problem finding work. Some of my best friends were still there. Edinburgh is a really short daily flight from Dublin, but whatever I did, it would have to be for me. Not on the off-chance John was the man of my dreams, even if he seemed absolutely perfect.
I needed to sort myself out and get my shit together. For me, not for anybody else. Whether things ever worked out with John,he had shown me a fresh perspective. I had to make the change, as unnerving as it was. I had just needed the kick up the arse to motivate me to do it.
It wouldn’t be pleasant for any of us. Nobody gets married thinking it will end in divorce. But I couldn’t waste any more of my life like this, in a stale, loveless marriage.
At the prospect of leaving, a tiny glimmer of relief flickered on the horizon.
Until now, I hadn’t realised it had been there in the background the whole time. I hadn’t realised how weighted I’d been, hadn’t wanted to see the massive elephant in the room. So, I’d closed my eyes.
I pulled up at the house, poured myself a generous glass of Rioja and ran a bath. Rob was home already, sitting in front of the television.
‘What’s for dinner?’ he said.
‘I don’t know. What are you making?’
He looked blankly at me, frown lines creasing his forehead. The lights were on but, as usual, nobody was home.
‘Look, there’s pasta in the cupboard. It will only take fifteen minutes. There’s a sauce in there too. Just do enough for yourself, I’m not hungry.’ I was subtly trying to prepare him for the real world, the one where everything wasn’t done for you.
Twenty minutes later, I heard him banging around in the kitchen below and gathered he’d taken my advice.
I got into bed early. Rob fell asleep on the couch watching television. He always slept in the spare room, it started because he snored, but that was just an excuse. We just preferred to be apart.
I accepted my new Facebook friend, did some cyber stalking, wondering if he was sitting in Ireland, doing the same.
Eventually, I slipped into a deep sleep, the exhaustion finally catching up with me.
Chapter Five
TUESDAY 3RD JULY 2012
On Tuesday I often locumed, but I hadn’t looked for work, and nobody had phoned from the agency. Too much time on my hands was proving to be dangerous. With the house to myself, I cleared out anything I hadn’t worn or used in six months and bagged it for the charity shop. I was ruthless.
I cleaned the windows, hoovered the entire house, cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor.
I also googled ‘how to get divorced’ with shaky hands and a guilty sense of nausea.
It wasn’t something I’d ever considered before. Other than witnessing my parents’ divorce, I knew nothing about the process. Apparently, there were several options.
After the weekend I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was myonlyoption, if I was ever to be happy in myself again.
It sounded heartless; I know. But my eyes had been prised open to the fact that I felt completely and utterly nothing for Rob.
Nothing bad, nothing good, just completely and utterly indifferent.
We’d been coexisting. That crack of light at the end of the tunnel was getting closer. I imagined what it would be like to getmy life back, to go wherever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted. I never realised how weighed down I felt until the prospect of not being weighed down occurred to me.
By lunchtime I had all the household chores done. The idea of phoning John consumed me. I convinced myself it could do no harm, as he was in a different country. How much trouble could I really get into at this stage? Besides, the damage was already done.
I lay on my bed and stared out the window, willing him to answer.
‘Hello?’ His tone was warm and weighted with surprise. A grin stretched across my cheeks, right up to my ears.
‘It’s Lucy.’ Talk about stating the obvious, I was fairly sure in this day and age even Ireland had Caller ID.
‘Give me a second.’ I heard him excusing himself, then the rustle of him moving away from whoever he was with.
