Awkward.
Maybe enough time has passed.
Maybe.
I don’t feel the same gut-wrenching sense of loss over the two of them that initially struck me.
The thought of Christmas with my sisters and parents pulls at the heartstrings most people don’t realise I own. I’ve gained a reputation for being hard, closed off, but truth be told, I’m anything but.
The stone wall erected itself the day Sally-Ann broke up with me, and I’ve never been brave enough to take it down.
‘Is Celeste with you?’
‘We broke up.’ I blow out a long, heavy breath, squinting at the winding signs. According to the sat nav, I’m three minutes away from my destination. I haven’t met another car in almost an hour. I suppose it is almost one in the morning.
‘You did?’ Excitement tinged with relief lingers in my mother’s tone.
‘Yeah. It was for the best.’
‘I hate to say it, son, but I couldn’t agree more with you. There was something clipped about her.’ Mam sighs. ‘Your dad and I always felt like she looked down on us.’
‘That’s just her face, Mam. Don’t take it personally.’ And she saidIwas emotionally stunted.
‘Are you alright though? You’re not upset?’ Code for, ‘You’re not going to start snorting again?’
‘I’m fine, I promise.’ It’s not a lie. I’ve barely given Celeste a thought. Her parting comments, though, that’s another story.
Like my father, I don’t need to work. Not any more. Also, like my father, the day I stop will probably be the day I die. Because I don’t have anything else in my life. That’s why I take one job after another after another. Plugging the void.
‘Oh Nate, it would be so good to have you all under my roof again! Your sisters will all be home, too. I’ll make sure of it.’
I fall smack bang in the middle of five siblings. I’m the only boy. It’ll be chaos. My two single sisters will be begging me to set them up with Channing Tatum, or Bradley Cooper. I can practically hear the squeals already. ‘Just do me a favour, Mam.’
‘Sure. Anything.’ And I know she means it.
‘Don’t tell a soul I’m in Ireland. Not yet. This movie is top secret. We’re contractually bound not to discuss it. And I do not want to get mobbed in the street every time I leave the house.’ What I don’t add, but I hope I infer, is, ‘Don’t tell Sally-Ann I’m home.’
We said we’d always be friends but when she married Niall, that went straight out the window, along with my friendship with Niall. I ignored his calls until they simply stopped coming. Even though technically they’d done nothing wrong, their relationship still felt like a betrayal.
‘Of course.’ Message delivered. It’s audible in her tone. For all the openness around the dinner table, my mother is like a closed book when it comes to the important stuff.
‘I’ve got to go. I’m almost at the house Jayden rented. It’s so dark, I don’t want to miss it.’ My hand palms the back of my achy neck. It’s been a long day. All I want to do is crash somewhere comfortable and escape every niggle of doubt that’s haunted me since I agreed to this damn role.
‘Go,’ Mam says. I picture her shooing her hands in front of her face. ‘Besides, it’s way past my bedtime. I couldn't sleep until I knew you were safe.’
‘I’m thirty-four, Mam.’ My eyes roll into my head even as my heart warms at her words.
To the world, I’m an action hero. To my mother, I’m still her child. Perception is a unique thing. And it doesn’t take much to alter it. Like one bad movie…
No. Don’t go there.
‘I know, son. I just care about you, that’s all.’ She clears her throat.
‘I’ll call you in a couple of days,’ I promise.
‘Love you.’ Her sing-song voice is a bright beacon through the darkness as I pull into the driveway of Ard Na Mara.
‘Love you too.’ She’s the only woman I ever felt comfortable saying that to. Well, apart from Sally-Ann.
