‘Do you want to go for a drive?’
‘It’s not like I’m doing much else.’ A glimmer of his old self flickers through as he manages a sad smile.
I guide him towards the Jeep, formulating a plan.
‘Where are we going?’ He gazes out the window while I drive. At a nearby petrol station, I lock him in the car with the view that if he tries to open the door, at least the alarm will sound. The quality of flowers left so late in the day aren’t great, but it’s the thought that counts. They’re an apology; for not being able to help her, for not being enough to keep her, for not taking better care of Dad.
‘We’re going to visit Mam.’ I need closure, never mind him. Dad will forget again, it’s inevitable. But I don’t know what else to do. At the cemetery, I hand him the flowers.
We cross the overgrown pathway, past hundreds of headstones; some expensive marble, some moss-covered stone, a reminder that none of it really matters in the end. Eventually, we reach my mother’s final place of rest. It’s not a place I visit often. I’ve never truly felt that she’s here.
Dad collapses onto the ground, sobs wracking through him again. It’s heartbreaking. For the first time in my life, I can almost imagine what it was like for him, when he lost my mother. Only now that I’ve found love myself, does the horror of losing it so permanently resonate with me. I can’t lose Abby. I’m suddenly certain that I need to spend the rest of my life with her.
