With all the therapy in the world, I still can’t understand how he could just up and leave. And a part of me will never be satisfied until I know why.
After the show, What’s left When There’s Nothing Left? I walk out into the July sunshine and pull my sunglasses from my leather satchel, unsurprised to see him leaning against the building waiting for me. Sean always was unusually determined, even when we were children. He catapults forward, blocking my path. I sidestep, and he falls in line beside me.
‘You can’t avoid me forever. We need to talk.’ With his hands in his chino pockets, he keeps the pace with me.
I had hoped he might have at least gained a few pounds, maybe even a few grey hairs, or better again – gone bald. I try painfully hard not to look at him, unwilling to give him the satisfaction.
‘You were perfectly happy to avoid me for the last four years, when I actually might have wanted to talk to you. Why the urgency now?’ My fists clench white with years of built-up anger.
‘Abby, I made the biggest mistake of my life. You and I are meant for each other. You know we are.’ He attempts to take my arm.
Esmerelda’s words echo through me. ‘He’s called Patrick.’ I push them away to a vault in the depth of my subconscious, along with his hand, which once again lingers on my shoulder.
‘I’m warning you now, get your hands off me. You lost the right to touch me long ago.’ His presence ignites a fury of buried memories, memories which I’d worked extremely hard to forget.
‘Can we at least go somewhere to talk?’ he pleads, running one hand over his stubbled jawline desperately.
‘Why? What’s to say after all this time? I’ve moved on. I’m with somebody else. It’s like you felt the force of my happiness and crawled out of whatever cave you were rotting in to take it from me, again.’ My words are heavy with emotion. He views it as an opportunity, pushing his lips forcefully on to mine. It takes a millisecond longer than it should to push him away as I’m frozen once again with shock. It’s a millisecond long enough for a camera to click to the left of me. We’ve gained an audience, fan-fucking-tastic.
‘If you touch me again, I will have a restraining order enforced against you. Get out of my life. For good.’
I make the journey home in a zombie-like state. Behind my front door, tears cascade over my face like a waterfall. All the memories, the possibilities, everything that could have been, but never were. I’d literally just got over him, only now finding the courage to seek a little bit of happiness for myself.
Sean Fitzpatrick broke my heart once. I won’t let him do it again.
