The bright early morning sun filters through the open curtains, but the memories of my tipsy confession last night trigger a darkness I can’t shake.
I’ve never revealed the part I played in my parents’ death to anyone before, not even Sasha. I was afraid she’d hate me, as much as I hate myself. I sent them onto that road. If I’d only kept my mouth closed, our lives would all have been so much different. And all for a fucking fortune cookie.
What if Jayden was simply being kind last night and secretly he’s disgusted with me? Or did he take some relief that his father’s notentirelyto blame?
No, stop it.
He spent the whole night whispering soothing words into my ear. Tenderly smoothing my hair from my face, the same way Mam used to do when I was sick as a child. His sculpted body remains curled around me, heating me from the inside out, hanging onto me like I’m his most precious possession.
I wish.
We all have things we’re ashamed of.
His words come back to me like a whisper on the wind, but he didn’t elaborate.
During the night, I must have taken my dress off because when I wake up, I’m in my less than sexy white M&S cotton pants and a plain white bra. At least they match.
Clearly, I wasn’t expecting company.
But if the tears didn’t put him off last night, I doubt my comfy ‘mom-derwear’ will. Our “situationship” has been catapulted to a whole new level.
‘Good morning, Princess,’ he whispers into my ear. Strong hands squeeze my waist as he nuzzles into my neck.
‘How did you know I was awake?’
‘Your breathing changed.’
‘Were you awake the whole night?’ I wriggle out of his firm grip and roll over to face him.
‘Not all of it.’ Huge grey eyes bore into mine with an intensity so powerful you could be forgiven for mistaking it for love. Or maybe that’s simply wishful thinking.
My eyes dart away from his, unable to bear the weight of them any longer. Of not knowing what he’s thinking and too frightened to ask. ‘I’m so sorry about last night.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’ Thick fingers find my chin, drawing it up to meet his gaze again. ‘Nothing. Do you understand? Nothing.’
‘I didn’t mean for all my baggage to tumble out.’ My teeth worry my bottom lip until he brushes a thumb over my mouth to stop it.
‘I’m glad it did. I wish you’d told me before. Or told Sasha. It’s not your fault, Chloe. It was a tragic accident. There are a hundred tiny minute details that put your parents there at that specific split second that night.
‘Suppose they reached the traffic lights a second later and got caught on a red? Or let someone else out of the school car park before them? Or stopped to talk to another parent? Any single variation could have resulted in a different ending. I honestly believe when your time’s up, it’s up.
‘I’m so sorry for your loss, sweetheart, but the bigger loss is that you’ve not been able to come home and spend time with your sisters because your guilt is eating you alive. Don’t lose any more of your life to it.’ Hot lips touch a tender kiss to my temple.
Warmth blazes through my blood. I feel accepted. Cared for.
With his words, and that loving gesture, a fraction of the tension I’ve carried in my shoulders releases.
I won’t get over it overnight, but his words make perfect sense. Any single subtle variation of events would have resulted in a different outcome. And coming from Mr-Ruthless himself, I don’t doubt he means it.
‘I think you should tell Sasha. I’m certain if you talk to her, she’ll tell you the same thing. And hearing it from her will probably mean a lot more than hearing it from me. But hearing it from us both might make you more likely to believe it.’
Full, plump lips seek mine, tenderly pushing them open. For the first time in ten years, I feel safe. I feel loved. And I feel seen.
Ethan never saw me. Not really. Not like Jayden does.
And if I can open up about my parents’ death, maybe I can open up about other things too? Learn how to voice my feelings like the adult I am, instead of shutting down and fleeing at the first sign of discomfort.
Starting with Jayden.
