Joules shook her head and said, “It makes perfect sense.You know, you look like someone who could use a friend.I have been told I am a good listener.I know I am a stranger, but sometimes, strangers make the best sounding boards.I have no agenda, and I won’t judge you no matter what you share.So if you want to talk, I am all ears.”
Ella looked at Joules for several seconds, then said, “Okay, I guess at this point it can’t hurt.Pull up a chair.”
Joules grabbed one of the deck chairs and sat down in it next to Ella.
Taking a deep breath, Ella said, “I have a problem.A really big problem.And no, before you ask, it is not this ever-increasing belly.He and I have made peace, and I love him to the moon and back.Nope, the problem is I have no idea how to mesh my dreams for my future with Ben’s.He wants a life here in Arkansas.I always saw myself getting a grad degree from Michigan, then going home to Napa to run a gold-star self-sustaining winery.If you haven’t already figured it out, those two things don’t go together very well.”
“That was why your mom kept talking about Michigan?She thinks if you go to grad school there, you will eventually come back to Napa?”
“Yep, something like that.”
“Does she realize that Ben’s life is here?That he is all set to start law school in the fall while he continues to work for his dad after he wins the governor’s race.”
“You sound pretty sure he will win.”
“Oh, he will,” replied Joules without missing a beat.“I am his campaign manager.Well, me and this other idiot.Between us, he is a shoe-in.But back to your issue.What is it you want?”
Without even thinking, Ella spouted out, “I want it all.I want to stay here and be a supportive wife to Ben and mother to John.But I also want to go to Michigan and learn all I can about soil conservation, hydrology, and self-sustainability.I wish I could clone myself and be in both places at the same time.”
Laughing, Joules replied, “Well that is an interesting response.Since you obviously can’t clone yourself, what else do you have?”
“So far, nothing.A friend suggested couples therapy.We are trying it, but it feels like we are just going through the motions.Ben warned me it might be a waste of time.Even though it hasn’t helped me find a solution to this issue, it has helped me be more appreciative of Ben.The counselor gave me this homework assignment to write down all the things I love about Ben.When I look at my list, I can’t imagine ever leaving him—even for a year of school.Yet, a part of me knows that if I walk away from my life’s dream, I will resent him for it eventually.I have already had to fight being resentful about being pregnant.I know that is stupid.It takes two to get this way.”She motioned to her large belly again.“But without going into too many details, John’s conception was the result of a very careless moment.I held Ben responsible for that.I realize that if I didn’t let my anger about that go, it would be a thorn between us forever.”
“You sound very wise.It sounds like your therapy is working,” replied Joules.
“Yeah, but not fast enough.I need something more.Something that would help me figure all of this out.”
Joules was quiet for a moment, then she said, “You know.I attended one of those corporate team building retreats a few years ago.Usually, I hate those things.But this one was different.The main speaker taught us about how to find our nonnegotiable.”
“Your nonnegotiable?What does that mean?”asked Ella.
“It means the one—or two things max—that you simply can’t live without.We all have so much clutter in our lives that it is easy to lose sight of what really matters.The guy had us draw six circles on a piece of paper.He had us start with a small circle in the center of the page.It had to be so small that only one or two words could go there.From there, he had us draw five more circles, each one larger than the one before.Then he had us brainstorm all the things in our lives we think we need or want to be fulfilled.He gave us pencils to use as he said most of us will need to erase a lot before we got down to our final version.He then told us to take the paper back to our cabins and do some deep soul-searching as we filled in the circles.It took me till three in the morning to get mine just right.Once I did, I had a great sense of peace about my life that I had not had since I was a young girl about to graduate from college.”
Ella looked at Joules and asked, “Do you mind if I ask what you put in the center circle?What was your nonnegotiable?”
Giving Ella a smile, Joules replied, “Not at all, especially since you have trusted me with some very personal things about yourself.Mine was my career.At the time, I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to try and have a baby by myself.I had always assumed I would one day get married and have a family.I was thirty-five at the time.I knew my window for having my own child was closing, so I contemplated going to a sperm bank and doing the whole single-parent thing.But then a major network started courting me.I knew that there was no way I could handle single parenting while building my brand as a political correspondent.Doing the exercise helped me realize that my career was nonnegotiable.I am not going to say it did not hurt giving up my dream of being a mother.But I was able to go after a new career path and give it my all.And that has paid off in more ways than I can count.But I want to make something clear, no one gets it all.If there is one thing I have learned in this life it is that you can’t have everything.Most of the time, you are going to have to give up something you love to get something you love and want more.That is just how life works.”
Nodding Ella asked, “Do you regret your decision?”
Joules thought for a moment, then said, “Regret is tricky business.You have to be careful with it.Its only value is in helping you do better, be better, or right a past wrong.Otherwise, it is just self-recrimination.When I was very young like you, I was madly in love with the love of my life.We were going to be married.Sadly, he was killed in a car crash.I spent more than two decades mourning him and the life we would have had and protecting my heart from ever feeling that deeply about anyone else.I was numb, and I wanted it that way.The thought of hurting that badly again made me guard my heart.If I have any regret about my life, that would be it.I wish that I had allowed my heart to thaw and to be open to love sooner.Maybe then I would not have had to choose between single parenting and my career.But to answer your question, no I don’t regret choosing my career.”
Without thinking about it, Ella reached over and gave Joules a hug.“Thank you for your wise words.I will think about what you said.Who knows, maybe figuring out our nonnegotiable is the key to our problem.”
Hugging Ella back, Joules whispered in her ear, “Don’t worry about what I heard.Your call and our discussion are safe with me.I wish you the best.Now if you will excuse me, I need to go glad-hand a few more folks out of some more money.It was nice meeting you.I hope to see you again soon.”
With that, Joules got up and walked back into the club.Ella sat by the pool for a few more minutes until the yawns she could not stifle overcame her.She texted Ben she was tired and was going home because she had driven her own car.
Once Ella was back in Ben’s room at the Carrington’s, Ella took out a pencil and a piece of paper and drew the circles the way Joules had described.She thought it would be easy to fill in the blanks, but it wasn’t.She was simply too tired to think properly.Setting the paper and pencil on the floor, Ella allowed herself to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.Her last thought as she drifted off was that even though she had not been able to quickly find her nonnegotiable, given enough time, she would.And that just might be the miracle she had been looking for.
Around midnight, Ella heard Ben come in.She sat up in the bed and flipped on the light on her nightstand.
“Oh, I am sorry.I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Ella shrugged as she pushed back the covers and made her way to the bathroom saying, “You didn’t.I have been lying here for ten minutes needing to pee and trying to talk my body out of it.My bladder won.”
After Ella used the bathroom and washed her hands, she waddled back into the bedroom where Ben had stripped down under the covers waiting for her.Ella had discovered that one of the worst parts of the third trimester was that she had to pee several times a night, plus whenever she got up, she was instantly awake, hence the reason she tried to put off getting up as long as possible.For once though, being wide awake at midnight was a good because it gave her the chance to tell Ben about her conversation with Joules and more importantly about the nonnegotiable tool.Before dropping in the bed next to Ben, Ella reached down and picked up the paper she had been writing on before.
Quickly, Ella showed Ben the paper and explained what Joules had shared with her.“I think it would be a good idea for us to do this, then talk about it,” she said.
