She slumps slightly, and perhaps it’s unfair to bring up memories from so long ago.
But those two times are branded into me, too beautiful and upsetting to let go.Big feelingsmade her run the first time, when curiosity took our friendship to a new level.
She ran again later that year when we tailgated at the Fort Fisher Rock Wall.I’d hoped for a beautiful sunset, and the sky delivered with hazy shades of red, orange, blue, and purple.I wanted to ask her to the prom, but I got nervous and rambled on about the Corps of Engineers’ construction of the rock wall in 1865 to improve river navigation.
This prompted her to tell me about the unforeseen environmental impacts, particularly the creation of the greatest salt marsh on the East Coast.She went on to elaborate on the algae, mosses, and vegetation along the banks.
My prom question quickly got away from me.
It evaded me again when we started making out.
With her straddling me on the tailgate, her long hair creating a curtain around our faces, I fit the question in between kisses.“Go to prom with me.It’s dressy and silly, I know… but I want to be dressy and silly with you.I want you by my side.Normal couple things, you know?”
Breathless, she gaped at me, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight and her expression hopeful.But then, a shadow fell over her.“I.I wanna see how far I can go.On the rocks.”
She ran away, thrusting us intothatnight like we were fated to be tested.A test we passed and failed at the same time.
“I promise, I won’t run,” she says now, eyes locked on mine.“Do you… I mean, would you… Do you find me desirable, Henry?”
“Yes, of course.But it’s not that simple,” I argue, growing more frustrated, if that’s possible.
“I promise simplicity.No big feelings, no attachments, no more than one night.”
“No, it’s been an emotional day.We shouldn’t be making decisions like this.”
“This isn’t me being impulsive.”She glances at her feet.
“It’s just one of your wilder ideas.”
She shrugs lightly, her bracelets clattering as she moves.“Is it?Doesn’t feel wild to me.Or impulsive.How can it be impulsive when it’s what I’ve always wanted?”
Her words stun me, especiallyalways, and I can’t stop myself from saying, “It’s what I’ve always wanted, too.”
A tiny smile slips up her cheeks.“Then, what do you say?”
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
She steps forward, close enough that the tips of her boots and my sneakers meet.“Tell me to go, then.Tell me you never want to see me again, and I’ll stay away forever.”
I swallow a lump in my throat.“I’m not… I can’t say that to you.”
She inches closer, resting her hand on my chest.“Then, reject me at least.Push me away.Tell me you don’t want me.Give me back some of the pain I’ve caused you.”
“No,” I say sternly.“We’ve hurt each other enough already.”
“Then, let’s make each other feel good for a change.”Her fingertips graze my chest, even the softest touch making me ache for more.
“Fuck, Venus,” I breathe out, hands slipping up her bare arms, unable to stop myself.
“We need this.It’s one night to end so many others.One night to end the sleepless nights I still have, thinking of you.One night to end the agony of a thousand what-ifs.It would give us a final chapter to our story.That’s all.”
I long for a better end to our story, too.She’s not the only one with sleepless nights and relentless what-ifs.Every second of wanting her, every moment we came close, every time I felt her absence—I have wanted Venus Blake since…always.
The first time I made her smile released butterflies in my stomach.Every smile since has done the same, a rare gift reserved only for me.
Latching onto her during the storm at eight years old felt like finding where I belonged.With her.Before I even understoodwanting, I wanted her.
I have wanted her.Craved her.Yearned for her like breath in my lungs.And like my breath, I know what it’s like to be without her.
