His eyes went from her fist to her golden eyes. “Too lazy to Heal them?”
“Too busy to.” She forced a smile. “Have you been busy too? You look…different.”
He stared at the fire crackling, and his sigh almost made him seem tired, if tired was something Jake Coralt could even be. “Pretty busy. Too many people were in stupid roles and sub-roles, just pretending to do important jobs but scratching their lazy asses most of the time. I don’t allow anyone to suck money from the East or me, so I kicked them out. Well, the House got rid of them when I gave it names.”
Lenna lifted her eyebrows. “The House? You get along with it?”
His nostrils flared as he nodded slowly. “We have come to a mutual understanding.”
“Care to elaborate?” she prompted.
“It respects me as its Ruler, and I don’t burn it down and the whole East Petal with it.”
Lenna chuckled and grinned, and when she did, she realized how long it had been since the last time she had grinned, because her cheeks were not used to the tension under her eyes. What she was less used to, though, was the corner of Jake’s lips lifting even a bit, and the way his piercing eyes went from her grin to her lips to her eyes, before he swallowed and any amusement faded.
“So aggressive, East Ruler,” she said.
His defined jaw clenched as he swallowed. “Once upon a time, a woman told me I had not a fucking clue how aggressive she could be.”
Her blood froze, and her heart squeezed in her chest as if it had been punched. “Do you remember that?” she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
Jake nodded slowly, and there was turbulence behind his eyes she couldn’t decipher. “I remember everything. Every single moment, every single second, every single feeling, every single word.”
“I feared you had forgotten us. I feared that, and it gave me peace at the same time, because not remembering would mean the memories can’t hurt you.” The way they hurt her so deeply, so often, so hopelessly.
“I might not love, but I can still miss. I miss holding you, I miss you making me laugh, and I miss wishing for a future together until the very last of our days. I miss kissing you, I miss your body against mine, and I miss falling asleep with you in my arms. I miss the longing, when I was so close and you could feel how I filled you slowly. When I started touching you, playing with your nipples a little, feeling your breath on my neck, feeling how you wanted me to kiss you and kissing along your body. I miss spreading your legs and diving down, looking at you in the eyes as you’re about to come. I miss every single part of you: the sexy, the naughty, the lovely, the funny. I miss all of you.”
Her jaw trembled as angry tears fell fast down her cheeks, control long abandoned.
“Why give that up, Jake? Why accept a life without that?”
He narrowed his eyes. “To protect you, Lenna, that’s the only reason I accepted this fate.”
She shook her head vigorously as goosebumps trailed up her arms, her lip curling with deep rage that raised her voice anoctave. “This is nofate. This is apunishment. A punishment someone decided single-handedly.” A punishment she was determined to stop.
“Call it whatever you want. It was the only option to keep you alive, so I took it, and never looked back.”
“You might not have looked back, but I came looking for you.” She wiped her cheeks with both hands, biting her bottom lip before continuing. “You might have accepted this fate, Jake, but I believe no one, not even a fuckinggoddess, deserves the power to ruin someone’s life, to deprive them of feelings that filled their heart and their life with meaning. This bullshit must end, even if I end with it.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, the muscles on them tensing as he squeezed his hands against his elbows, as if trying to contain himself. “Don’t you dare put yourself at risk, Brachyan. I swear on every single Petal and feather of Thyria that I will burn the entire island down if you do.”
She narrowed her eyes, lifting her chin. “Perhaps then the East Cardinal will regret her choice. Can you ask to meet with her whenever you want? I might ask for an appointment.”
“Whatever you are doing, whatever you are planning—you need to stop. She must know, Lenna. Her mood is quite temperamental, and she could change her mind rapidly.” Was that fear in his eyes? As well as anger—at her?
She didn’t have the energy to force a smile when her whole soul was consumed by rage burning harder than the fire surrounding them. “Good. Then she would come to meet me.”
He dipped his chin, his eyes not meeting her wet ones, as his voice filled with resignation said, “You deserve someone better. Someone who can love you.”
She had never seen him tired, exhausted, giving up. This man—herman—was broken, and arguing with him, or making him fear her actions, was doing nothing but breaking him further. Ithurt her so much to know he could still miss and remember, and she couldn’t even bear to imagine what it would feel like to be inside of his mind and heart, to have access to the pain but not the pleasure, to be refrained from it, for life.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She hadn’t meant to argue or make him feel bad for something he couldn’t change. She was angry with the Harming Goddess, not with him. By behaving like this, she wouldn’t do anything but distance him further.
“So am I,” he whispered back, lifting his glassy eyes to the ceiling. “So am I.”
She picked up the heavy books she had left on top of a side table, and before she left, she turned to him. “Maybe one day life will not have to be like this.”
He replied without looking at her, his throat exposed as his stare was still lost in the ceiling. “Stay alive, Lenna. Do me that favor.”
