She stopped messing with her hair, “Why?”
He couldn’t do it anymore. She was infuriating. “Because if you learned to be nicer you might actually have friends! Might actually have a relationship! You might enjoy your life instead of waiting for things to implode all the time.”
“Excuse me?” He should have taken that as a warning. Should have backed off. He knew it, but he didn’t care.
“You made it your mission to make our trip as miserable as possible. Even dancing. Man, Clara. I was having fun. But you had to ruin it. You’re incapable of smiling unless it’s forced for an act.”
Clara crossed her arms over her chest, “Let’s talk about ruining things, shall we?”
“Uh uh,” he shook his finger at her, “The rules.”
“The rules are in shambles, Carver, or have you not noticed? I was happy. Do you get that? I was in love with you. I trusted you. More than anyone in the entire world. Do you understand what it feels like to have an entire future planned, an entire future promised and then have it ripped away? Without an explanation?”
He opened his mouth to rebut her, but she held up a hand and continued, “Of course, I’m not happy. My hands are perpetually stained with blood. The only thing I’ve seen in the last three years is the painIam capable of inflicting. You don’t get to come in and tell me to be happy. Everything inside of me is so close to breaking. If I start to feel anything, most of all happiness, it will destroy every wall I’ve put up to survive. So excuse me if I’ve become a bit frosty. I’m only the person you forced me to become.”
She took a deep breath, but Carver was too stunned by her confession to respond. “Now Marsh was right. I’m completely exhausted. And I don’t want to talk this through. I want to take a shower in the bathroom, and climb into bed for the next six hours. Minimum.”
She pulled a change of clothes out of her bag, and locked herself in the bathroom without another word.
Carver’s heart ached. He heard the water turn on, and did his best not to picture her unclothed as he focused on unpacking the weight of her words.
She was right. He had put them here. It wasn’t intentional, but it was his decisions nonetheless. He couldn’t go back in time and fix them. He would do anything to save her from this pain, but he couldn’t see that the alternative would have been better for her. So what now?
She walked out, rubbing a towel through her hair, dark circles prominent under her eyes. “Take the bed. I’ll crash on the floor.” The best he could offer her without continuing their earlier conversation.
She looked ready to protest but he jumped in, “I still need to shower. Go ahead and crash.”
He didn’t wait to see if she obeyed his order, already locked in the bathroom. They needed to go back to their rules of engagement, because this was not going well for him. He couldn’t focus on the assignment. He couldn’t focus on anything. Anything except how deeply he had failed in the only thing that mattered. He hadn’t protected her. Not enough, anyway.
He slumped onto the floor, completely drained and overwhelmed. His pulse thundered in his ears, and his mind felt foggy. Some part of him had known it would come to this. The only competition to his devotion for kingdom was his desire to keep her safe. The only thing able to deter him from keeping her safe was his loyalty to his kingdom.
Would they be at odds with each other?
He didn’t wait for the water to get warm before stepping in and letting the drops parade across his face.
The tiredness hit him like a weight, and he stumbled out of the bathroom, careful not to wake her. Though tempted to crawl in beside her, he instead took two blankets from the chair and laid them on the ground. He was asleep within moments of his head hitting the pillow.
His anxiety faded into the dream world. He was too exhausted to do anything but surrender to the images.
33CLARA
The world was completely dark when Clara awoke. She blinked slowly, orienting herself to her surroundings. Between the bed, their bags, and Carver stretched out across the floor, there was almost nowhere to walk. The two of them fully consumed the room and it was stifling. Carver’s shallow breaths were loud in the silence, grating across her skin. How much longer could she be this close to him and not break?
She inched out from under the covers, bare feet hitting the uneven wood flooring. She carefully stepped over Carver and to the window. Tugging on the blinds gently, she managed to move the slats enough to see out without opening them entirely.
Carver stirred behind her and she froze, not wanting to wake him. He didn’t open his eyes, still dead asleep.
The outside world was still abuzz with life, and she was amazed at the energy that pulsed up from the street. Bright lights shone from various buildings. Men stumbled down roads and alleys, some with bottles still in their hands. Even from her perch on the third floor, she could hear the sounds of music from one of the establishments.
Girls clothed in almost nothing beyond feathers and beads called out to the men, waiting on corners for their opportunities.With the number of drunken bodies and celebratory attitude, most found someone. She watched for a few minutes before letting the slat fall back.
She allowed her eyes to readjust to the darkness so she didn’t trip over Carver. Once she could make out his form again, she stepped over him, grabbed her bag and slipped out. There was too much chaos in the streets for her to stay inside. She wasn’t sure how long she had slept, but she felt refreshed enough. Drunk men were the perfect way to learn more about the city and what she needed.
In the hallway, she pulled out one of the other outfits Command had sent befitting a Calyndor girl. A flouncy skirt red,please kill me now, and a tight black tank. At least she liked the tank.
Only one street over from their building, she found a popular bar. At least she assumed it was popular. People were continuing to pack inside, even as patrons who had enough found their way back into the street. Or were tossed into the street–depending on their sobriety and attitude.
She slipped inside, remaining unnoticed against the wall as she observed. A couple poker tables were surrounded by men thoroughly engrossed in the game, or the girl in their lap. One man in particular stood out to her.
