“Pants are appropriately colored for walking tentacle,” Rick admitted. “Still untraditional.”
“What? Don't you wish they had some red on them? Maybe some red shoes?” Shoes. Shit. It only now occurred to Max that these fancy clothes Rick had gotten him for their grand entrance had not included shoes. Then again, Rick’s shopping trip hadn’t included pants either. Max looked at Kohei. “Did you get shoes?”
“Displaying red where no red exists is the display of inferiority and insecurity,” Kohei said.
“I don't need to have red shoes. I am not concerned about the lack of red, because humans don't come in that color. But I would like shoes.” Max wiggled his toes.
“If Max Husband is unconcerned about color, why request shoes?” Rick asked.
“So my feet don't get cold.” Max shared many things with his family, but their tolerance for cold floors exceeded his own.
“Max Father will step on tentacle tips,” Kohei said.
“I will not,” Max objected.
“You will,” Rick said. “Communal celebrations of Hidden ones are crowded. Shoes introduce much danger. I will accept pants of asymmetrical design and appropriate color, but shoes are unacceptable.” Rick’s voice got louder with each word.
Max’s brain stuck on one word, though. “How crowded are we talking about?”
“Exceptionally,” Kohei said. Max stared at his son in horror. Exceptionally crowded. So crowded that he would have trouble walking without stepping on someone’s tentacle. Oh, this was getting better by the minute. He needed pants.
While Max shook out his corduroy leggings, Kohei twirled until his largest eye was pointed at Rick. “Rick Father missing medallions of greatness.” He raised a tentacle to poke the excessively elaborate hat Rick had donned. It was a riot of ocean colors–blues and greens and violets all swirled together with pearls and gems strewn throughout like a bedazzled school of fish floating through the ocean. Where Rick normally had tools tucked into his hat or dangling from straps attached to the bottom, this hat had irregular shaped squat spirals, each decorated with a different color palette of jewels and each bearing unfamiliar symbols.
But Kohei must not approve of Rick's clothing. Max buttoned his pants while he watched Rick and Kohei square off. Any time two Hidden ones put their largest eyes facing each other, fireworks were sure to follow.
“I wear badges of appropriateness,” Rick bellowed.
“You lack badges,” Kohei trumpeted, and he darted around Rick so fast that Rick couldn't twirl fast enough to keep up with him. Kohei always had been their little athlete.
“You are missing a badge of planetary defense.”
“Planetary defense instigate conflict with outsiders.”
“Planetary defense greatest technological achievement. It forces outsiders to recognize Hidden one greatness,” Kohei countered.
“Planetary defense inspires outsider meanness and cheating. It puts Max Husband and children at disadvantage in trading.”
“It prevents outsiders from claiming our planet. Wear with pride.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
With each word, the voices grew louder. Max wondered if this is what his mother had felt like when he and Petey used to fight over the last popsicle. If so, he now understood why his mother yelled so much. “Hey! Don't shout at each other.”
“We are expressing firmness of decision,” Rick said in a volume loud enough to give Max a headache.
“Don't shout at me,” Max insisted. “I’m the innocent bystander here.”
“I am being firm in decision,” Rick shouted.
Rick would not compromise, so Max turned to Kohei. “I think Rick should show off his accomplishments, but he has a right to dress however he likes. If I get to wear pants,” Max glanced down at the tight new leggings that felt plastered to his body. His junk made an impressive bulge in the front of his pants and he still felt half naked. He cleared his throat and started again. “If I get to wear pants, Rick Father gets to leave an accomplishment off his hat.”
Kohei sank down, unhappy with the decision. However, the children were good about listening to Max when he put his foot down. Quite frankly, he was terrified for the day that that wasn't true. “So, is there any chance I can get shoes?”
Both Kohei and Rick bellowed “No” so loudly that Max winced. Right, he was attending his first alien ball wearing a sparkly Star Trek minidress and skintight leggings with no shoes. He hoped his family appreciated the things he did for them.
