“Health offspring digestive system.”
Max frowned. “I don’t think my gut bacteria will hurt your kids.” He didn’t know if that was true. Neither college nor the Air Force had covered cross-species contamination with aliens. Thinking of home caused an all-too-familiar jolt in Max’s gut, so he pushed those memories away. He couldn’t afford to get maudlin, especially when he was flirting with depression. It was one thing to sit around with a beer and good-naturedly gripe to his friends about the promotions board being full of shitheads. It was quite another to let himself dwell on all the ways life had kicked him in the teeth.
“Do you ever wear clothes?” Max asked his many-tentacled boss. “I mean, the guys on the other ship had wide belts or skirts and one even had tentacle pants, but you’re letting it all hang out. Or it would hang out if I knew what your balls looked like.” Max frowned as he considered the various tentacles. They were different shapes, some bulbous and some tapered. One of them might have been Rick’s penis, assuming he had one. Rick might have been a girl. Maybe caring for children primarily fell to the parent who gave birth to them.
Rick curled a tentacle around Max’s thigh and yanked up fast enough that Max fell and would have slammed the back of his head against the table if another tentacle hadn’t caught him. “Warn a guy!” Max shouted.
Rick blasted out something, but the translator only caught “acceptable,” “offspring,” and “health.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sadly, you still have a better bedside manner than my Air Force intake doctor.” Max kept up a steady stream of conversation and avoided thinking about the tentacles mapping his skin. “I don’t know whether he wanted to weed out the weak or if he took exception to me because I’m gay. Who knows? It’s hard to tell who dislikes me and who dislikes my sexual orientation, which is why I try to avoid those conversations. You’re a pretty good listener, did you know that?”
A tentacle brushed against Max’s cock. “Whoa. That is a little personal.”
Despite the fact that Rick had ignored Max’s whole monologue, this caught his attention. He said, “Query. Define personal.”
“You are touching parts of me that even the military didn’t touch. And I thought their physicals were pretty invasive.” Max drew out the word pretty.
“Query. Pretty.” The translator mimicked Max’s pronunciation.
Max gave a braying laugh. “I’m pretty sure you want to define invasive.” A tentacle slid between his balls and over his hole. Max yelped and scooted back a few inches, which was how much slack he had before the tentacles drew tight. “Whoa. That. That’s invasive.” His voice was dangerously high. “That right there is invasive.”
Rick stopped. A couple of tentacles pulsed against Max’s leg, but everything else grew still. “Query. Compensation. Offspring.”
Max drew a breath. Right. If he wanted compensation, Rick needed to check out those scary, scary bacteria. One little anal probe by an alien tentacle was absolutely not more terrifying than flying a jet fighter against alien invaders. Hell, it wasn’t even as scary as his ROTC commander. Even his dad trumped tentacles for sheer terror, although he refused to think about family while naked. Nope. Some psychological trauma was not worth it.
“Answer. Compensation,” Max said. One tentacle slowly slid up his back. Max took a breath and looked away from the bulbous head hovering near his right shoulder. The tip of a tentacle pushed against Max’s ass.
It had been a while since anything had gone up there. Duty had kept Max so busy that he’d barely had time to masturbate in the shower. Hell, he’d gone steady with his right hand so long that it would have gotten jealous if Max had tried playing with a dildo. So the feel of something sliding into him sent unfamiliar shivers through his body.
“Thank God you use slick,” Max said.
“Query—”
“Answer!” Max shouted. He couldn’t deal with Rick’s annoyingness and his tentacles at the same time. Rick made a sound like a long trombone note, and then pushed his tentacle in faster.
“Oh fuck!” Max gasped, and technically he wasn’t wrong. That felt like fucking. Too much like fucking. Why the hell had he ever objected to Daniel’s tentacle dildo toy? If anything, the porn that Max had read and vowed to never admit to reading had underplayed the sexual prowess of tentacles. Even though Max knew Rick was only interested in checking out gut bacteria, the undulating movement against Max’s prostate was driving him past the point of coherent thought. Rick made a fluttering trumpet noise the translator didn’t catch at all. Maybe Rick was expressing surprise that his new nanny was a fucking tentacle whore.
Max took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart. That didn’t help his cock situation, but even the thought of Old Man Wilson with his nose hairs and black acne couldn’t counteract the evil brilliance of Rick’s tentacle. The damn thing swelled and bulged, and the delicious stretch made Max’s ass hunger for more.
“Query. Blood flow increase.”
“Oh hell yes.” Max gripped the edges of the table and fought an urge to jerk off. He was pretty sure that ejaculating on your boss was bad manners in any galaxy, but if Rick didn’t finish soon, that’s exactly what would happen.
“Query. Blood flow changes.”
That was it. Max was in hell. He was getting the best ass stretch of his life. His ass was full of twitching, swelling tentacle until his brains were leaking, and the damn fucking alien wanted to have a fucking conversation. This was hell. Max’s dick threatened to explode, and that would be the perfect shit cherry on life’s sundae.
“Query. Blood flow changes,” Rick repeated. He also twitched his tentacle. Max’s cock leaked pre-cum.
“Answer. Reproductive system.” Max held on to the table harder when Rick tugged his tentacle. Whatever he was doing up Max’s butt, his tentacle appeared to have gotten stuck, so he gave several tugs. Each time, the pressure increased against Max’s prostate, and Max fought the instinct to buck his hips.
Never one to pass up a chance to be annoying, Rick said, “Query. Blood flow changes.”
Max gasped, not able to answer immediately as his brain suffered a small white-out. His ass was stuffed so full that he feared he might split in half. Of course if that happened, he would die a happy man. Rick gave another tug, and the pressure edged over into pain. It was enough to anchor Max to reality for a moment. “Answer. You are turning on my reproductive system.”
Rick grew still. Eventually he asked, “Query. Human offspring. Now. Soon.”
Max laughed. “No offspring. I need woman with a different reproductive system to make offspring. And no offense to the women in my life because I love many of them deeply, but I would cut off my dick before I would put it in a woman.” He respected bisexual men, but he was not anywhere near the middle of the scale. If he wanted kids, and he did one day, he would have to find a nice man to settle down with and look into adoption. As hard as it was for a gay couple to get a kid, the system was impossible for a single man.
